Daddy's favorite photos of Jadon 8/8/2008 - 11/7/2008

有益的悲傷!

“ 深 哉 ， 神 豐 富 的 智 慧 和 知 識 ！ 他 的 判 斷 何 其 難 測 ！ 他 的 蹤 跡 何 其 難 尋 ！ 誰 知 道 主 的 心 ？ 誰 作 過 他 的 謀 士 呢 ？ 誰 是 先 給 了 他 ， 使 他 後 來 償 還 呢 ？ 因 為 萬 有 都 是 本 於 他 ， 倚 靠 他 ， 歸 於 他 。 願 榮 耀 歸 給 他 ， 直 到 永 遠 。 阿 們 ！”
（羅馬書11：33-36）

“庫德勒-羅斯，”我自己想著 “庫德勒-羅斯的悲傷五階段。”

幾個月前，當9歲的Jennifer來就診時，這個想法在我腦中突然出現。她有嚴重的痙攣性大腦麻痹，這是一種在出生初期的某種悲劇導致的永久性神經肌肉疾病，而這只是她眾多病癥中的一項。她的祖母帶她來做年度的檢查。他的祖母是一位非常屬靈的女士，一位主內的姐妹，她不斷講述著自己飆升的盼望，Jennifer會很快像其他她年紀的孩子一樣行走，說話。當然，現代醫學救了Jennifer的命，也使她的病情相對的穩定，但是在9年中都不能讓她行走講話，而是相差甚遠。Jennifer坐在她的輪椅里，流著口水，痙攣著，不能溝通，除了她的微笑。

“祖母只是在否定事實”我繼續自己想著“她難道不知道在地上的日子里Jennifer將永遠不能行走？難道沒有人告訴過她Jennifer病情的診斷結果？”事实很可能是很多醫生歷年來都曾告訴祖母Jennifer病情的嚴重性，但是祖母還是不能接受。我擔心是因為有時家人不切實際的盼望會導致他們最終做出的決定使得病人不能接受完整的治療。有時候，家人（或者病人本人）會拒絕接受安全有效，上帝給予的治療，因為他們在“等待”上帝的奇妙醫治。有時候，他們忽略了信仰基督不能避免的疾病與苦難的嚴酷真相。

不過，祖母的悲痛是可以理解的。她應該對她的孫子孫女有很多沒有說出的夢想和希望：他們可以跑來跑去，與她閑聊他們的每天發生的事。但對于Jennifer，這一切的希望卻沒有依托 – 是死的。而任何有價值的東西死亡，都會引發悲傷。

當我那天與Jennifer坐在診所里，最值得注意的并不是單純的因為我發現祖母所處否定事實的階段同心理學家庫德勒-羅斯描述的悲傷五階段相符。而是一種更加深刻尖銳的領悟：我也一直在為自己逝去的夢想悲哀。

那天，在我最隱秘的意念里，我漸漸了解到在過去的3年中，我一直在為自己已消失的夢想和盼望悲哀。我也曾難以了解我所處的真實情況，我失去的美好婚姻和與Jadon和他的母親組織完整家庭的夢想。

庫德勒-羅斯描述了悲傷的五個階段，它們大致依次發生，但也常來回反復。我心中開始浮現了一個對照表。。。

那一天，我立即明白了我在過去的幾年里一直處在庫德勒-羅斯所描述的否認階段。活在自己的世界，我常常拒絕看到聽到我自己和其他人生命里重大的道德缺陷，这导致我的梦想成为一个空想。我忽視了很多親近的朋友和家人要我結束一段沒有結果的感情的請求。种种的问题導致任何公開誠實的感情不可能實現，即使不太了解我的人都可以指出这一切。但是我總是輕視這些建議，“啊哟，你們是不了解。如果你們知道。。。那你們就會知道你們錯了”我會用愚蠢的借口來解釋別人看來單純而簡單的事。更糟的是，我有時甚至忽略事實，希望已經變成人生中痛苦模式的一切以某種方式。。。只是可能。。。最終消逝而回到原先的童話的結局。即使我试着活在自己的世界，最终还是不能如愿。

那庫德勒-羅斯所描述的憤怒階段呢? 的確，這也是我情緒化的人生的一部分。有時我會非常憤怒，我擁有完整快樂家庭的希望破滅了，雖然為此我傾注了我的所有。我為自己做出的非常錯誤有害的決定憤怒，有時我甚至為自己忽略種種顯示我的希望沒有建立在正確的基礎上的跡象而憤怒。我也對Jadon的母親感到憤怒，包括她不能達到我的期望。更可怕的是，我對神感到憤怒。雖然我有時會向他陳述，但不幸的，大多時候，我對神的憤怒并沒有陳述出來，我的憤怒通過其他的渠道。。。包括一度無視神的存在。這些罪導致了種種憤怒的想法（如果我必須用語言表達）“你難道不應該是慈愛的神嗎？慈愛的神怎么會允許這種事發生？你難道不是承諾了要在我生命里成就好事嗎？你難道沒有看到發生了什么事嗎？你為什么不做些什么？你到底在乎嗎？你知道嗎？你當上帝真是糟透了！你已經不值得我跟隨了！你甚至不知道如何給你的孩子提供一個基本的，充滿愛的家。”顯然，我經歷了憤怒。

我已經忘記了庫德勒-羅斯悲傷五階段中的幾個。我的護士提醒我下個階段是討價還價。那天晚些的時候，我繼續思考，我必須承認我也常常處在這個階段。不愿接受作為婚姻基石的信任的不存在，我常與Jadon的母親爭論我們之間是有某些希望的，這最終使得我們之間的希望更加渺茫。我不曾領悟愛是自由給予的，而不是討價還價來的。當然，我也試著跟神討價還價。雖然我沒有用語言表達，但我顯然試著用自己對令人失望的環境的反應與神討價還價。如果用語言表達，應該是類似：“好吧，上帝，我只是想要一個愛我的太太。如果我現在開始好好表現，用更新的嚴格要求奉獻，你會實現我的請求嗎？我在我的教會服侍，向別人宣揚你。。。這些還不足以讓你給Jadon一個完整的家嗎？”這種被錯誤引導的法定主義不但沒有意義，更重要的是沒有考慮到神的全然掌權。他不會被任何人的框框所限制，不論你多努力的討價還價。

之后我在百科全書中查詢了庫德勒-羅斯才想到悲傷的下一個階段是憂郁。最開始，我認為沮喪是我略過的一個階段（看吧，我又在否認了），也許作為一個醫生，我從臨床診斷的角度來看待憂郁，它要符合嚴格的診斷標準。我思考，“我回到沒有Jadon的家，到處都是他的東西 – 他空著的高腳椅，他空著的床，他空著的要木馬，我當然會難過。當然，我有時會沮喪當我想起我那么多的朋友都有快樂的婚姻。但是憂郁癥？我？不可能！”這是我最初的反對，但是，很快我就認識到我也經歷了這個階段 – 而且相當長，通常跟其它的階段一起，在它們之間反復的時候。除了憂郁，還有什么原因使一個外向的人經常幾天與人隔絕？有什么原因使我浪費幾個小時心不在焉的看電視，上網，尋找任何可以讓我忘記痛苦現實的東西？有什么原因讓我晚上失眠，早晨焦躁不安？有時我會覺得完全疲倦到不想再活下去。我怎么能否認憂郁是我近來生活中的一部分？

那庫德勒-羅斯悲傷的最终階段接受呢？我不知道。我想我曾短暫的處在這個階段，但很快回到較低的，較不健康的悲傷的階段。有時我覺得我了解了事實，甚至掌握了它一切的重擔：Jadon的母親和我沒有考慮婚姻的可能。除非有奇跡的改變，Jadon會在不完整的家庭長大。我擁有完整家庭的希望和夢想已真的破灭了。我想知道我最近幾天的想法是不是我終于接受了夢想破灭事實的征兆。

是什么讓我可以掌握了如此沉重的事實，接受了這曾經甚至連考慮都困難的一切？是什么讓我在人生的重大失意的重擔下可以抬起頭，向前看，挺起肩膀？

除了耶穌我沒有其他东西可以相信。

雖然庫德勒-羅斯描述悲傷的階段真實而深刻，她沒有給予悲傷解答，沒有提供合神心意的接受艱難处境的方式。雖然庫德勒-羅斯描述悲傷五階段有所幫助，但那些不是福音！

* 只有福音，主耶穌為我死里復活的福音，让我的眼睛可以看到罪的嚴酷事實（我的與別人的）和它丑陋的后果。（你可以在圣經里讀到：耶利米書17章9節，羅馬書3章10-18節）。
* 只有福音告訴我不止我華麗完整家庭的夢想破灭了，這夢想本身是我生命中需要消除的偶像。我將我未來家庭的夢想擺在神之上（從我通過用不合神心意的方式去取得它，到我在得不到它时的反叛都可以看到）的本身就是種可憎的罪（路加福音14章26-33節；以賽亞書55章1-7節）。
* 只有福音告訴我神的愛致使一切惡的事 – 甚至是我自己的罪帶來的后果 – 都可以成為對我對別人有益的（希伯來書12章：5-11節；羅馬書8章28節）。

* 耶穌比任何人都了解孤獨和被離棄，被奚落侮辱，被誤解。他自己也充分的經歷了悲傷(以賽亞書53章3節；希伯來書4章15-16節）。
* 耶穌比任何人都了解孤獨和被離棄，被奚落侮辱，被誤解。他自己也充分的經歷了悲傷（以賽亞書53章4節，腓力比書4章13節，以賽亞書62章5節）。

耶穌對我如此的仁慈。他讓我看到我的過錯 – 錯的如此離譜，還給了我改變的力量。他的話語承諾了他會用我生命中的一切苦難傷害將我變得更像他（羅馬書8章29節，腓力比書1章6節）。通過他，我可以在罪發生時尋求饒恕也饒恕他人（馬太福音18章21-35節）。透過他我知道我已經擁有一個愛我的家，教會，我可以在這里養育Jadon（哥林多前書12章12-27節；以弗所書2章19節）。透過他，我學習著愛Jadon和他的母親，有智慧的，沒有不合神的心意的死去的愿望與夢想的。

當我開始比較一貫的接受我自私的愿望和夢想破灭的時候，我意識到在永恒的這一端，孤獨迷茫的痛苦是不會完全消失的。然而它的另一端，更長的（長到永恒的）另一端终會來臨的。在那里，我們所有從神來的愿望和夢想，我們心中最深的期盼，都會最終完全的成就。在那里，我們會得到完全的平安與喜樂 – 不僅僅是我們的心靈也有我們的肉體。在耶穌里，這是我們確實的盼望，而我也盼望那個時刻的到來。小Jennifer會從大腦性麻痹中解脫，她也會在那里，和她的祖母一起歌唱跳舞。同我們的救主一起，我們會最終了解為什么我們現在要面對這一切的苦難與疾病。當我們聽到神就著我們的苦難，為我們和我們的后代成就了多少益事，我們大概會張大了嘴。當我們看到他莫大的美好，我們大概會不住感謝他將我們作為他完美計劃中的一部分，無論我們經歷了多少苦難。因為我們知道我們神这么的美好，我們會最終了解我們的悲傷是有益的。是有益的，有益的。。。悲傷！

“ 我 又 看 見 一 個 新 天 新 地 ； 因 為 先 前 的 天 地 已 經 過 去 了 ， 海 也 不 再 有 了 。 。。看 哪 ， 神 的 帳 幕 在 人 間 。 他 要 與 人 同 住 ， 他 們 要 作 他 的 子 民 。 神 要 親 自 與 他 們 同 在 ， 作 他 們 的 神 。 神 要 擦 去 他 們 一 切 的 眼 淚 ； 不 再 有 死 亡 ， 也 不 再 有 悲 哀 、 哭 號 、 疼 痛 ， 因 為 以 前 的 事 都 過 去 了 。”
(啟示錄21章1，3，4節)

文中使用化名以保護病人的隱私。

如果你在找好的書，或是想更深入的閱讀我剛剛開始學習的東西，可以看一下Joni Eareckson Tada和Steve Estes的當上帝在哭泣。其實我已經看了四五遍了（東西要很久才可以進入我固執的腦袋）。。。

(this entry is simply a Chinese translation of the English 9/21/2008 entry)

Good, Good Grief!

"Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!
'For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor?'
'Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?'
For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen." (Romans 11:33-36)

“Kubler-Ross,” I thought to myself. “Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief.”

It was a few months ago when these seemingly random thoughts came to my mind during an office visit for 9-year-old Jennifer*, a patient with severe spastic quadriplegic cerebral palsy, a permanent neuromuscular disorder caused by some tragic events around birth, & only one of her many medical problems. Her grandmother had brought her in for an annual check-up. A deeply religious woman & sister-in-Christ, Grandma kept speaking with soaring hope about how Jennifer was soon going to walk & talk like other children her age. Certainly modern medicine had saved Jennifer’s life & brought a measure of stability to her body’s diseases, but in 9 years it had not helped her to walk or talk, or even come close. There in her wheelchair Jennifer sat: drooling, spastic, & uncommunicative, save for her smile.

“Grandma’s in denial,” I continued to think to myself. “Doesn’t she know that Jennifer will never be able to walk this side of eternity? Hasn’t anybody ever told her the prognosis of Jennifer’s case?” The truth is that probably many doctors over the years had told Grandma about the stark reality of Jennifer’s condition, & Grandma had yet to take it in. I was concerned because sometimes families’ unrealistic hopes can lead them to make decisions which ultimately keep the patient from receiving the full benefits of medical care. At times, families (or patients themselves) have refused safe & effective God-given therapies because they were “holding out” for God’s miraculous healing. Sometimes these people fail to see that faith in Christ doesn’t preclude accepting the stark, often grim realities of disease & suffering.

It was understandable, though, that Grandma would be grieving. She probably had many unspoken dreams & hopes for her grandchildren: that they’d be running around & chattering away with her about their days’ events. With Jennifer, these dreams & hopes had no substance – they were dead… and death, of anything worthwhile, rightly gives way to grief.

As I sat there in clinic with Jennifer that day, the remarkable thing wasn’t simply that I’d noted that Grandma’s state of denial was in line with what psychiatrist Kubler-Ross described as the stages of grief. There was a deeper, more poignant realization at hand: I too have been grieving the death of my own dreams.

In my mostly private thoughts that day, it slowly dawned on me that for the past 3 years I too have been grieving the death of my own dreams & hopes. I too have had a hard time coming to grips with the reality of my life situation & the loss of my own dream of marital bliss & a whole family with Jadon & his mother.

Dr. Kubler-Ross described 5 stages of grief, with a general progression from one to the next, though often with jumps back & forth between. I started down the mental checklist...

That day, I knew right away that I had spent much of the last few years in Kubler-Ross’ stage of denial. Wearing rose-colored glasses, I often refused to see or hear of the huge character problems in my own life & others’ which rendered my dream a fantasy. I ignored the pleas of many close friends & family to leave & let go of a relationship that was going nowhere. Even people who didn’t know me very well would point out issues that would make any relationship based on openness & honesty impossible. Yet I would pooh-pooh these people with such sayings as, “Well, you just don’t understand. If only you knew… then you would see where you’re wrong.” I would make up crazy excuses to explain away what to others was plain & simple. Worse yet, at times I would simply ignore the facts & just wish that what had become a painful pattern of life would somehow... just maybe... finally dissolve & turn around to its scripted, storybook ending. Despite the rose-colored glasses, it never did.

What about Kubler-Ross’ stage of anger? Yes, that had often been the case for my emotional life, too. At times I was very angry that my dream for a whole & happy family was dashed, despite having invested my whole being into it. I was angry at myself for making very wrong & hurtful decisions, & sometimes I was even angry with myself for missing all the cues around me that my hopes were not rightly founded. I was angry at Jadon’s mother on many counts too, including for her failure to live up to my expectations. Most horribly, I was angry at God. Though I did tell Him so on occasion, sadly most of my anger at God went unuttered, & my rage would act itself out in other ways… including ignoring Him for periods of time. These additional sins were borne of such angry thoughts as (if I had put them to words) “Aren’t You supposed to be a loving God? What kind of loving God would allow this ____? Didn’t You promise good things in my life? Don’t You even see what’s going on? Why don’t You do something about it? Haven’t You noticed that I’m bleeding to death here? Do You even care? You know what? You suck at being God! You’re not worth following anymore! You don’t even know how to provide a basic, loving family to Your children!” No doubt, I had my share of anger...

I’d forgotten some of Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief. My nurse had to remind me that bargaining was the next stage. And as I thought on it later that day & onward, I had to admit that I’d often been in this stage as well. Not wanting to accept that the basic building blocks for trust in marriage were absent, I often had bargained with Jadon’s mother for some kind of hope for us, but that left me in the end with even less hope. I hadn’t realized that love can only be freely given, never bargained for. And, of course, I even tried bargaining with God. I didn’t so much as lay it out in words, but it was clear that I was trying to bargain with Him by my reactions to disappointing circumstances. Put to words, it might have gone something like this: “OK, God, I’m only asking for a loving wife. If I shape up now & do my devotions with renewed rigor, would You please grant my request? I’m helping out in my church & telling people about You… isn’t that enough to make You want to give Jadon a whole family?” Such misguided legalism not only failed to work, but it more importantly failed to consider the grand sovereignty of God. He will not be confined to anyone’s box, no matter how hard the bargain...

I had to look up Kubler-Ross in the encyclopedia later on to recall that depression was the next stage in her description of grief. At first the stage of depression struck me as something I must have skipped (denial, anyone?), perhaps because as a physician I think of depression in clinical terms, with strict diagnostic criteria. I thought, “Of course I’d be sad when I’d enter my Jadon-less home filled with his things – his empty high-chair, his empty bed, his empty rocking horse. Sure, I’d get the blues sometimes when I thought about how so many of my friends were already happily married. But depressed? Me? No way!” This initial sense of objection, though, soon met with the realization that I had experienced this stage of grief too – quite often, in fact, usually as a meld with the other stages as I passed from one to the next & back. What else but depression would explain how an extrovert would so frequently dive into caverns of relative isolation for days at a time? Why else had I so often wasted away hours in mindless TV watching & internet surfing, searching for something – anything – to keep my mind from feeling anything painfully real? What else could make my nights so sleepless & days so restless? At times I felt so thoroughly beat that I would have preferred not to live at all anymore. How could I deny that depression hadn’t been part of my recent life?

What about Kubler-Ross’ final stage of grief: acceptance? I don’t know. I think I’ve been there for brief periods, always followed by quick reversion to the lower, unhealthier stages of grief. On occasion I think I’ve taken hold of the truth, & grasp it even with all its gravity: Jadon’s mother & I have no grounds for considering marriage. Barring miraculous change, Jadon will grow up in a broken home. My hopes & dreams for an intact family are really dead. I wonder if these last several days are an example of my finally taking hold of the death of these dreams.

What enables me to lay hold of such a heavy reality, to accept what has been so difficult for me to even consider? What will enable me to keep my head up, my eyes forward, & my shoulders strong under the burden of the very real disappointments of life?

I can trust in no other than Jesus.

As true & insightful as Kubler-Ross was in her description of grief, she did not provide the solution to grief, the way to godly acceptance of hard circumstances. As helpful as Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief are, they are not the Gospel!
- Only the Gospel, the Good News of Jesus’ life & death for me, opens my eyes to see the stark reality of sin (mine & others’) & its ugly effects. (See it for yourself in the Bible: Jeremiah 17:9; Romans 3:10-18.)
- Only the Gospel shows me not only that my dream for a shining unbroken family is dead, but also that the dream itself was an idol in my life that needed to die. That I put the dream of my future family above God (seen in how I would use ungodly means to try to obtain it, & my rebelliousness when I didn’t get it) was itself a heinous sin (Luke 14:26-33; Isaiah 55:1-7).
- Only the Gospel tells me of God’s love which forces bad things – even the consequences of my own many sins – to be for my benefit & others’ (Hebrews 12:5-11; Romans 8:28).
- Jesus understands like no other what it’s like to be alone & deserted, subject to scorn & shame, & misunderstood. He Himself is well acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53:3; Hebrews 4:15-16).
- Jesus actually upholds me when I feel weak. He carries my burdens with me, & is the Bridegroom to those who are lonely (Isaiah 53:4; Philippians 4:13; Isaiah 62:5).

Jesus has been so merciful to me. He opens my eyes to see where I’ve been wrong – so wrong, & gives the strength to change. His Word guarantees that He will use all of my life’s hardships & hurts to make me more like Him (Romans 8:29; Philippians 1:6). Through Him, I can seek forgiveness & forgive others where wrongs have been committed (Matthew 18:21-35). Through Him I know I have a loving family already, the Church, in which I can raise Jadon (1 Corinthians 12:12-27; Ephesians 2:19). Through Him I am learning to love Jadon & his mother with wisdom, free from the ungodly expectations of my dead hopes & dreams.

As I begin to more consistently accept the death of my selfish hopes & dreams, I’m reminded that the pangs of loneliness & confusion will probably never completely disappear this side of eternity. The other, longer (eternally longer!) side of eternity has yet to come. There, ALL of our God-given hopes & dreams, the deepest longings of our hearts, will finally find their fullest fruition. There, complete peace & joyful wholeness will be ours – not just for our hearts but for our bodies as well. In Jesus, this is our sure hope, & I look forward to that time. Little Jennifer – finally free from cerebral palsy – will be there too, singing & dancing with her grandmother. Together with our Savior, we will at last learn why we had to face all the suffering & disease which inflict us now. We’ll probably sit with our mouths agape as we hear of the good things God accomplished in & through our grief, both in our lives & in the generations after us. When we see His vast goodness, we’ll probably never cease to thank Him for including us in His perfect plan, no matter how much grief we bore. And, because we will know just how good our God is, in the end we will know our grief was good. Good… good... grief!

“Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away… ‘Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.’” (Revelation 21:1,3,4)

*name changed to protect patient confidentiality

Post-script: If you’re looking for a good book & would like to read more in-depth the things I’m barely beginning to learn, check out Joni Eareckson Tada & Steve Estes’ When God Weeps. I’m actually going through it for the fourth or fifth time (things take a LONG time to seep through this thick skull of mine)...

Isaiah 58

Cry aloud; do not hold back;
Lift up your voice like a trumpet;
Declare to my people their transgression,
To the house of Jacob their sins.
Yet they seek me daily
And delight to know my ways,
As if they were a nation that did righteousness
And did not forsake the judgment of their God;
They ask of me righteous judgments;
They delight to draw near to God.
‘Why have we fasted, and you see it not?
Why have we humbled ourselves, and you take no knowledge of it?’
Behold, in the day of your fast you seek your own pleasure,
And oppress all your workers.
Behold, you fast only to quarrel and to fight
And to hit with a wicked fist.
Fasting like yours this day will not make your voice to be heard on high.
Is such the fast that I choose,
A day for a person to humble himself?
Is it to bow down his head like a reed,
And to spread sackcloth and ashes under him?
Will you call this a fast,
And a day acceptable to the LORD?

Is not this the fast that I choose:
To loose the bonds of wickedness,
To undo the straps of the yoke,
To let the oppressed go free,
And to break every yoke?
Is it not to share your bread with the hungry
And bring the homeless poor into your house;
When you see the naked, to cover him,
And not to hide yourself from your own flesh?
Then shall your light break forth like the dawn,
And your healing shall spring up speedily;
Your righteousness shall go before you;
The glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.
Then you shall call, and the LORD will answer;
You shall cry, and he will say, ‘Here I am.’
If you take away the yoke from your midst,
The pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness,
If you pour yourself out for the hungry
And satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
Then shall your light rise in the darkness
And your gloom be as the noonday.
And the LORD will guide you continually
And satisfy your desire in scorched places
And make your bones strong;
And you shall be like a watered garden,
Like a spring of water,
Whose waters do not fail.
And your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt;
You shall raise up the foundations of many generations;
You shall be called the repairer of the breach,
The restorer of streets to dwell in.

If you turn back your foot from the Sabbath,
From doing your pleasure on my holy day,
And call the Sabbath a delight
And the holy day of the LORD honorable;
If you honor it, not going your own ways,
Or seeking your own pleasure, or talking idly;
Then you shall take delight in the LORD,
And I will make you ride on the heights of the earth;
I will feed you with the heritage of Jacob your father,
For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.

This Road

A million miles away from anything familiar,
A thousand places I would rather be,
So I choke back the tears & try to find the bright side
Though I find it hard to see beyond my suffering.

In my heart I know Your plan is so much bigger,
But this small part is all that I can see,
& I believe You haven't left me here to wander.
Still I can't help but ponder where You're leading me,

& I ask, why this road, why this way, & this load?
Tell me how far must I go 'til I see, 'til I know why
This road...

A million miles away from anything familiar,
What was it like to be so far from home?
& though You came in love, the world misunderstood You.
There must have been some days when You felt so alone,

But You endured 'cause there was joy before You,
Joy that came because You sacrificed,
Since You gave Yourself just to spend forever with me,
Surely I can trust You'll lead me through my darkest times,

When I ask, why this road, why this way, & this load?
Tell me how far must I go 'til I see, 'til I know why.
From here I cannot see why You choose this path for me,
But I don't have to understand to believe that You know why...

You know why this road, why this way, & this load;
You know how far I must go 'til I see, 'til I know why
This road...

("This Road" by Ginnie Owens)

Daddy Dedication & Death?

"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there will my servant be also. If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him." (John 12:24-26)

Just this past Sunday during worship, our church celebrated what many call a "baby dedication" for Jadon. Of course, most of us realized early on in planning that the dedication would be much more a commitment of Christian parenthood, a kind of "parent dedication." I'd been wanting to do this for over a year (Jadon's now 18 months old!), but for many reasons I kept putting it off. Finally, a few months ago I approached our church leadership about it, & we agreed on a date.

As I was trying to prepare something to share with the church, I found those last days before Sunday quite telling about the inner realities of my heart. God was showing me that the idols of my heart are not only the things I turn to (besides Himself) to fulfill my needs; oftentimes, my idols are my felt needs themselves...my own selfish expectations of life & my self-made ways of processing things to protect my way of life.

To God be the glory! He was showing me that these idols, too, needed to die. & in this death, there would be true life eternal!

And here is what I shared (edited for clarity):

Dear Brothers & Sisters of LWCF:

When I was asked to share a few words with you today as I was to make this commitment of Christian parenthood, I knew immediately that I wanted to come up here & encourage you to live by faith in the Gospel. I knew that it was the only thing worth talking about, & it was the only thing that has kept me alive – knowing that God loves me deeply & will accomplish His purposes in my life.

But strangely enough, as I finally bore down to put my thoughts into words, I realized that there are yet very deep, deep areas of my life in which I haven’t trusted in God’s goodness – deep areas in which I secretly despised the Gospel because it would mean that I would have to abandon my own pride & stop trusting in myself. Earlier this week as I wallowed in self-pity about how such a sinful person could come before his congregation in any worthwhile way (“Just what do I have to offer my church when my own private life is so screwed up???”), I realized that I wanted to share from a position of strength, from the perspective of one who had finally “pulled himself together” & could be a kind of self-made example to follow. I realized that even though on the outside I was planning to speak about “trusting in the Gospel,” in some ways inwardly I was still trusting in the false gospel of myself. Even worse, I was secretly hoping that people would look at me & think, “Oh, look at Sid & what a nice thing he’s doing for Jadon. He must be such a great father!”

So, in actuality I stand here as a very broken & very weak man. Bloody battles still often rage within me as to whom I will trust & love – the God who first loved me in Jesus, or other people or things? I am ashamed to say that I have too often still made wrong decisions, & chased after power, relationships, and pleasure to somehow salve my soul & “make things right” in my messy life. Too often I have worshiped these gifts rather than thankfully worshiped the supreme Giver of these gifts. Even my life’s spirituality – the gift of relating to God in prayer, Bible-reading, & fellowship with other believers – has often been turned into an idol as I smugly tried to put God into a box and make Him serve my own needs, in my own ways, according to my own time.

Ever since childhood I have heard the true saying: “Christianity isn’t a religion; it’s a relationship.” Indeed, Christianity is about relating with the living Jesus who loves us & saves us for Himself. But while I knew that following Him would necessarily involve suffering (Philippians 3:10), somehow I had the wrong idea that I would get to pick which kinds of suffering I would face. I felt that I had already chosen to prepare myself to face the pain of relative poverty, misunderstanding, and the uncertainty of living far away from loved ones, so when my life came upon unexpectedly painful & confusing circumstances, I rebelled – I thought “How could this be God’s plan?” & even worse, “If God would allow this, then this is not the kind of God I want to follow” – & of course in my sin I only brought more pain & confusion into my life. I had not realized that relating with God is not like relating with a lifeless recipe for self-fulfillment. My self-made God-in-a-box was not the God of the Bible, the One who spoke the universe into being, commands legions of angels, and uses everything – including the tumultuous weather, sinful governments, & even Satan-on-a-leash – to accomplish His very good purposes. I needed to let the real Jesus be the real Jesus – especially if I really call Him the Lord of my life – and let our relationship take on the unexpected turns of disappointment & joy, heartache & rest. I needed to let go of my self-centered expectations of God & submit to Him in His raw, immeasurable greatness.

He is the only truly trustworthy One anyway, right? As Pastor Ray reminded us last week, the things I tend to chase after – power, pleasure, & relationships (even if they are good gifts from God) – can never take care of my real needs anyway. They themselves can never cover my shame or nakedness in this world…only Christ can (Romans). The Gospel we are called to trust is not the gifts of God; the Gospel we are called to trust is GOD Himself! GOD IS THE GOSPEL!

So, for all my own unfaithfulness & rebellious thinking, there is good news: GOD is faithful! GOD is trustworthy! GOD has done EVERYTHING in His Son Jesus to save me for Himself!

One of the great things God has done for me is give me this church, to encourage me & challenge me according to the truth. Through these past few years, as I shared about stepping away from leadership in ministry, & later as I shared about Jadon’s coming, you have served as God’s ministers of grace. Each one of you has even helped to serve as "extra eyes" to keep close watch over Jadon. THANK YOU!

Even recently you helped me along in the way of truth & grace in God. Last week when I shared with Ki how I struggle with loneliness & despair when I say goodbye to Jadon, he reminded me with a challenge: “Is God enough?” Indeed, He is enough. Thank you, Ki.

Just a few days ago when I shared how I was wallowing in doubt of whether I could “bring myself to do this,” Gil encouraged me with a question that helped me to see just how wrong-headed I was at the time: He asked me, “In whom are you trusting as you make this vow?” He helped me to realize that if I was going to trust in myself to keep this vow, I would merely be setting up another self-made idol to be the object of pride, disappointment, or both. Thank you, Gil.

My prayer, then, is that God would be faithful in giving me the strength & wisdom to raise Jadon up according to His ways. There are no guarantees, of course, that Jadon will trust in God as a believer all his days, but it is my commitment today to guide him by word & example to know & trust in the God who made Himself known in Jesus, for the glory of God alone. I make this commitment before God & you, not because I will fulfill it flawlessly – I can’t & won’t – but because, as I make my many fatherly blunders, I trust that God will be faithful to bring me back into a truer, better knowledge of Him, & also that He will continue to use you, my brothers & sisters, to get me there.

Some books that have been quite helpful for me lately (interestingly, though they were recommended by different people they ended up dove-tailing one into the other):
When People Are Big and God Is Small by Edward T. Welch
Breaking the Idols of Your Heart by Dan B. Allender & Tremper Longman III

Want to see Jadon's latest photos?

If the slideshow doesn't work you may click here:
http://picasaweb.google.com/newsfromthewus/2007120820080207JadonFavorites1617monthsPublic
Below are some slightly older photos:
http://picasaweb.google.com/newsfromthewus/200710081207JadonFavorites1415monthsPublic
http://picasaweb.google.com/newsfromthewus/200708081007JadonFavorites1213months

"Children are a heritage"

"Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD...
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
are the children of one’s youth.
Blessed is the man
who fills his quiver with them!" (Psalm 127:3-5)

Jadon is now over a year old! This little (but rapidly growing) package of grace is indeed a gift from God's hand -- "a heritage," the Bible tells me. Yet as my son turned one, I lamented at how life is so far from what I had expected. I had thought that by now I would have been able to give him so much more than I actually have. Sometimes I have felt sad at all the "would-have-beens," "could-have-beens," & "should-have-beens" of my life & Jadon's... there are just too many to count. Thinking about that fantasy-land makes reality seem all that more harsh.

But just as the Gospel reminds me that I must turn from fantasy & deal with the harsh reality of my situation, it also reminds me that I am to deal with this reality in faithfulness to the Lord, whose power & love are just as real as (or even "MORE real" than) what I see around me. God's power & love (in their greatness & eternal purpose) far transcend my temporal situation. In fact, the very same Psalm that tells me Jadon is a gift from the Lord also reminds me that God's power & love alone are what will make any enterprise of any eternal worth. It reminds me that I ought to let go of my own vision of what my "house" (or household) should be like, especially when I am tempted to use ungodly means of attaining it. In obedience to His word, I must trust in GOD'S faithfulness alone.

"Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain." (Psalm 127:1)

For those of you interested in Jadon's more recent photos (again, out of respect for Jadon's mother & her family, their photos are not included):
6-11 month-old photos:
http://picasaweb.google.com/newsfromthewus/200702080807JadonFavorites611months

4-5 month-old photos:
http://picasaweb.google.com/newsfromthewus/2006120820070207JadonFavorites45months

For those who didn't see the 0-3 month-old photos as included in the 12/2006 blog entry:
http://picasaweb.google.com/newsfromthewus/200608081207JadonFavorites03month

Believe the Gospel

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.
What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" (Romans 8:28-32)

Just last weekend I was invited to a banquet to celebrate God’s goodness to the students who took part in the Medical Strategic Network’s (MSN’s) month-long intensive training course. These 34 students had come from around the world to learn how to live as Jesus’ followers in their vocations as health professionals, with a special emphasis on sharing the Gospel with patients.

MSN so profoundly & positively influenced my life & practice of medicine during my own training, that for the past few years I gladly accepted the honor of having their students shadow me in my clinic. To God’s glory, many students & staff expressed their appreciation for what they learned from me, but in past years I wasn’t able to attend to their celebration banquets. Not only was this year to be my first chance to attend the banquet, but I was also asked to be among a few staff who would give concluding remarks -- a special charge to the departing students.

It didn't take long for me to think of what to share. My own soul has been so dry of late, it was a message I knew I myself needed to hear -- I was probably the one who needed to hear it the most. I wanted this message to penetrate my own heart, & I also hoped it would be something that would encourage the students to see life with simple, Biblical perspective.

As I followed three spiritual giants up to the podium, I of so little faith gave the following charge [edited for clarity]:

Over the past weeks you have learned much about the Gospel: how to live it, & how to share it. My charge to you this evening is something that I'm sure undergirds & intertwines with so much of all that you've learned these weeks that it seems obvious, but it's still worth emphasizing lest it gets lost in all the shuffle: BELIEVE the Gospel!

As you head away from Redlands in the next days you will face many temptations that will oppose everything that you've learned here:

- You will have residents & other superiors who will tell you to "HURRY UP," to "leave out that religious stuff."

- Someone in your family will question your decisions to serve the underserved here & around the world.

- There will even be the very rare patient who will totally misunderstand your intentions as you extend spiritual care.

In these moments & always, BELIEVE THE GOSPEL! At every moment, PREACH it to yourself! TRUST in the fact that in Christ, God has given you all things (Romans 8:32)!

When Satan & his demons put idols before you to worship,

When the world tries to squeeze you into its mold, & tells you you're not good enough,

When your own flesh cries out for you to puff up with pride or even wallow in self-pity,

BELIEVE...THE...GOSPEL!

-----------------------------

The words still ring inside my head. Believe the Gospel? Is the Gospel really for frequent-failers like me? Hallelujah! It is EXACTLY for sinners like me. Thank You, Jesus...

[For whoever might be reading this, I'd still appreciate your prayers, primarily that I would abide by the charge I shared, that I would be diligent in surrender, that I would indeed BELIEVE the Good News of Jesus. Thanks.]

"I will hope in Him"

"But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
'The LORD is my portion,' says my soul,
'therefore I will hope in him.'" (Lamentations 3:21-24)It had been nearly three years since I last wore scrubs. Three weeks ago, I was wearing them again at four-something in the morning as I drove away from home to head in for duty. I knew it was going to be dark again by the time I got home that night -- it was going to be a very long day.

But I was excited that dark & early morning; I'd been looking forward to that day with a special sense of hope & excitement. I was going to Mexico for a medical mission trip!

In one sense, I wasn't doing anything new. From my first cross-cultural mission experience nearly 14 years ago onward, God had blessed me with many mission trips to Mexico -- too many to count. Several of those trips included medical ministry, & I'd certainly been involved in various mission efforts in farther, more difficult-to-reach, & more difficult-to-adapt-to places. This day-trip to a bordertown in Mexico wasn't supposed to be a big deal at all.

But it WAS a big deal to me: it was the first time I'd even considered cross-cultural missions in a long time. Since I'd screwed up in life with such colossal consequences, in some ways I felt that missions was now out of my league, something I couldn't even think about doing anymore.

God wouldn't let go of me though, & He was slowly reminding me of the vastness of His love, that it was more than enough to cover my sin. For the past two years I marvelled at how God still chose to use me in my practice to share His goodness with my patients despite my own sin & brokenness before Him. Growing within me was a confidence in Jesus' love for me, that He would always want to use me to share Him with others. Then I found out about a special opportunity through my work for this trip to Mexico. As I applied, I was candid with the leadership about my current situation, & I also shared with them my desire to re-learn firsthand God's care for all peoples. I was glad to know that they still welcomed me to join them.

The whole trip was a very, very big blessing to me. The blessing wasn't anything flashy or glamorous (none of the ills I treated were life-threatening, I saw fewer patients than I'd expected, & there was even a makeshift laboratory available to us in the tent across from ours), but rather that God would deign to use little old me -- a man of shamefully little faith -- to serve His kingdom among my poor brothers & sisters of Tijuana. Claudia (the Nicaraguan-American nurse/translator assigned to me) & I were able to bless many of our patients as we shared God's truth & prayed with them.

Another special blessing was to work quietly alongside people who were on their first mission trip, to see their excitement at God's unfolding the new horizon of cross-cultural service before them. Their joy & enthusiasm for Jesus were blessedly infectious! Yet another bonus blessing was the chance to eat authentic Mexican tacos (including tripe tacos -- yum, yum)!

I wish I could write that my life of late has been one of steady growth & faith, but there remain a lot of ups & downs. Sometimes I lament at where I'm "supposed to be" had I not been so foolish & rebellious: at this point I would have been completing language school in preparation for a mission hospital post in Niger. I had thought that the next time I'd be in scrubs would be in Africa (I originally limited myself to out-patient clinic work in order to have predictable time to prepare to go overseas). I'm saddened to think how far I'd gone "off" course.

But I find that it is exactly at these times of disappointment & despondency, that I myself am in need of the Gospel most. The Gospel reminds me of God's sovereign, loving rule over even all my mistakes. It reminds me that Jesus' sacrifice was more than sufficient to pay for my sin, & promises to change me from within. And, it reminds me that I am indeed where I'm supposed to be... humbly accepting His lavish love as He guides me through life one day at a time.

God willing, I'd like to take more of these short mission trips. I look forward to the day when Jadon will be able to join me, the day when he & his daddy would be able to serve God side by side not only locally but also in a foreign land. But whether Jadon & I will ever be able to serve together overseas or not, my deepest prayer for him is that he will know this all-redeeming God who is worthy of all our worship.

"Oh sing to the LORD a new song;
sing to the LORD, all the earth!
Sing to the LORD, bless his name;
tell of his salvation from day to day.
Declare his glory among the nations,
his marvelous works among all the peoples!
For great is the LORD, and greatly to be praised;
he is to be feared above all gods.
For all the gods of the peoples are worthless idols,
but the LORD made the heavens.
Splendor and majesty are before him;
strength and beauty are in his sanctuary." (Psalm 96:1-6)

By Grace Alone

Dearest Saints & Beloved Friends:

How are you? I pray you have been doing well. I know it’s been a long time since I talked to many of you. I’m sorry that I failed to answer those of you who wrote to ask me how I was doing. In many ways, I felt I couldn’t answer… at first I felt I lacked either the words or the energy to reply in any meaningful way. When the words & energy were there, I needed to concentrate on talking with my family & church body.

As I write this letter, I pray that it will help you to understand what’s been going on in my life. Though some of the news I have to share with you is bad news, I hope you don’t mind if I start with the good news.

Dear Friends, I’m a father! Just over four months ago, my son Jadon Mackay Wu was born: 6 pounds, 1.5 ounces & 19 inches long (including his temporary cone-head). With the help of a very loving & dedicated breastfeeding mother, he has grown into a VERY healthy & happy, chubby double-chinned boy who loves to babble, giggle, & smile at interesting faces. In fact, he hasn’t yet met a face he didn’t like! He’s long mastered head control, uses kicking movements to inch around the bed, & looks ready to turn himself over any day now.

I tell you it is amazing to hold this young child in my arms & gaze into his face. Even though I care for him nearly every day, I’m not sure I fully believe it yet: “I’m a father?! This is my son?!” Yet I’m thankful beyond words to see him grow before me. And as I feel Jadon’s warmth when he sleeps on my chest…WOW! What a precious gift from our Heavenly Father (Psalm 127:3)!

It’s hard to understand why God would be so gracious to me, a horrible sinner, to give me such a beautiful son. It’s hard to realize, too, that there remain a whole lot of agony & turmoil in the lives of Jadon’s mother & me, that our sin of fornication was only one of many issues that yet keep us from being able to pursue marriage. These many issues are ones we are barely beginning to recognize & address as we seek pastoral counseling. Perhaps there are others we haven’t even discovered yet. One thing is for certain: sin makes our issues (including other sins) far more complicated.

Most of you know that for many years I was preparing to serve overseas as a medical missionary. In fact, I had become appointed by three different mission boards, & everything was set for me to work in a hospital in West Africa. Many of you were very supportive of this pursuit. Everything was ready…almost.

Everything was ready…except my heart. The final push toward mission preparation (May 2005 onward) was, in fact, during an acutely painful & confusing season of my life. I decided to go forward with missions anyway since I knew that it had always clearly been my goal & that our God was certainly deserving of my love & service. My prayer letters at the time showed glimpses of strength & trust in God. But slowly, I became proud & self-centered. I started to concentrate on my own selfish ideas of what I needed, & in my terrible self-pity I disregarded our God’s holy laws. Particularly in my relationship with Jadon’s mother I began to put people & things above God & basically worshiped them as my idols.

By Fall 2005, I realized that I could not continue as a leader in my church, so I withdrew from leadership after sharing my sin with my pastor & a few other brothers. Eventually I decided to postpone indefinitely all plans for fulltime mission service. Later, after Jadon’s mother & I broke off our courtship (early last December), I discovered that she was pregnant!

This past year has been unbelievably difficult, not just because of the sin leading to Jadon’s conception but also because of my own stupid sin in continued bitterness, self-centeredness, & pride. In all of this I grieved our good God & spurned His goodness. I obviously hurt Jadon’s mother & her family more deeply than I can express. I hurt very, very many people. (Below is a letter I wrote to my boss which explains some of my situation; he graciously has NOT asked me to resign.)

I also hurt you, dear Saints. Even though you didn’t know it, my lack of holiness made me less able to serve you as a brother, & especially as a leader my sin brought shame on Christ’s body before the world. Please, please forgive me, especially when many of you were so sacrificial in your support of my journey toward overseas service.

If any of you are in the praying mood, I would be humbled if you would pray for the following:
1. for Jadon’s health & well-being, especially that he would grow up to know Jesus’ love far better than his father.
2. for Jadon’s mother & me, that we would re-learn how to be God’s joyfully obedient servants, for His glory & Jadon’s good. This is particularly challenging for us in the midst of physical tiredness: we both care for an active boy, & since I moved in with an uncle & aunt in order to be closer to Jadon (his mother lives with her own family), I have a new one-hour commute to work.
3. for my family & my local church, who have been incredibly supportive to Jadon & me, that they would have wisdom in giving me godly counsel & care.

Yes, while the whole process has been extremely difficult (& looks to be that way for a long time), there is GOOD news! Not only is Jadon a happy & healthy boy, but even more importantly, his parents have forgiveness & hope for wholeness in Jesus! God is an amazingly good God, isn’t He? He is good! He is good! He is good! He alone is worthy of our worship!

Please accept my apologies for letting you know this news by letter. I would have loved to be able to meet with each of you personally, but I thought it would be important to share this news (both good & bad) without further delay. Please let me know if you have any questions about what’s going on in my life. If you have the time, I’d also like very much to hear how you are doing.

By Grace,
Sidney Wu

PS: If you would like to see Jadon’s photos, please visit the website:
http://picasaweb.google.com/newsfromthewus/200608081207JadonFavorites03month
(Out of respect for Jadon's mother, her pictures are not included.)
PPS: If you’d like to visit & see Jadon in person, let me know!

*************************************
Re: Personal/Professional issues
September 8, 2006

Dear Dr. ______________:

I believe you are already aware that there have been drastic changes to my life’s course in the last year, most outwardly that I indefinitely postponed my plans for fulltime overseas mission service despite years of preparation toward this end. I recall that you had somehow mistakenly heard through the grapevine that the reason for this was an impending marriage, and I remember that we had a few chuckles about that. I may have mentioned that the reasons for my staying, rather, are personal problems I need to work out with God.

My hope from the very beginning of my joining faculty is that I have made clear to you and others in the Department, that I have considered it a very, very high honor to work among you in service to our Lord Jesus. I have considered it a God-sent gift, especially because I was actively en route to an academic center in Africa, to be able to work with residents and students to live out my calling to serve patients holistically. I signed on with whole-hearted agreement with our institution’s vision to carry out Jesus’ healing ministry. While I realize it is not a requirement to be a Christian to work in our University, I considered it a privilege to live and share the Gospel in a setting which supported it, and I may have been among the more vocal attendings in this regard. It is my hope and belief that in the workplace, I have shared the Gospel in a way that has been sensitive, ethical, and beneficial to our patients and staff, whatever their background or faith.

At 7:21AM on August 8, 2006, my son Jadon Mackay Wu was born. While an unspeakably joyful experience, it was the culmination to many months of both happy anticipation and inner anguish deeper than I had ever experienced. Jadon’s mother and I are thankful that he is a healthy boy, and we look forward to what God will accomplish in and through him (including through him to his parents). Though his mother and I continue to struggle with very, very complicated and serious issues, we are trying to work together with our families toward the end of each giving Jadon our individual best.

Jadon is NOT sin – this is a vigorously clear fact. God’s Word tells me he is a GIFT, and I treat him as a precious one from God’s hand.

But the events that led to his conception were indeed sin. Though outwardly my sin was fornication, deeper underneath was a life of pride and idolatry, and in all of it I was wrong – dead wrong, and my sin has hurt many people.

My offense was most deeply against our loving God, of course. I have asked His forgiveness, & He has graciously granted it in Jesus. He also continues to love me through helping me understand the roots of my sin, helping me work through its effects, & giving me a church and some close brothers to encourage & challenge me according to His holy standards. God's word assures me that this process is not punitive, but rather restorative, and indeed redemptive. Even in the last months I have been blessed with opportunities to serve His kingdom in non-leadership roles in my local church, in my family, with friends, & in our clinics. God has been too good to me.

Still, I know that I hurt others besides God. The mission boards I was appointed with (Serving In Mission/SIM, Global Life Enrichment Center, & Project MedSend) invested a considerable amount of time & other resources into me, & I let them down. (I discussed the nature of my sin with appropriate people in these organizations, & with the extension of their prayerful support, they accepted my resignations.) Several people gave me money before I ever formally asked for it; I returned or redirected their contributions according to their wishes. My family & my local church were all ready for my departure & were deeply praying for my readiness. Far more deeply than I can describe, I obviously also hurt Jadon’s mother & her family.

I realize that many would consider this a “personal” issue “irrelevant” to one’s professional life, but I see problems with such a dichotomy, especially when the Bible calls all of life ministry, and also when I am on faculty with a Christian university. I do not mean to say that every sin ought to be brought forth to the University level for some kind of public confession or trial. Nor do I think the University should send out any “moral police” to ferret out every wrong; I am thankful the University leaves this job in the Holy Spirit’s hands.

As a member of faculty, I know that my sin – particularly of such magnitude & such far-reaching ramifications – places an awful stain on the University, and for this, I ask your forgiveness. While it is my hope that I may continue as a wounded healer to serve Christ with renewed commitment to our University’s vision, I am ready to resign my appointment if you feel that my wrong deems so.

I am open to any questions you may have in case more detail about my past or present situation would serve you. I did plan to bring this before you much earlier in the winter, but at that time it was clear that some issues regarding Jadon’s life and care needed to be worked out first.

Yours Truly,
Sidney S.C. Wu, MD

2006年12月11日

最親愛的聖人和親愛的朋友們:

你們好嗎? 我祈禱你們過的好. 我知道我有很長時間沒有同你們中的許多人連絡. 我對沒有回覆你們中來信詢問我近況的人感到很抱歉. 從很多方面, 我覺得自己沒有辦法回覆…最初我覺得自己沒有語言和精力作出有意義的回覆. 當有了語言和精力, 我需要專注於同我的家人及教會分享.

當我寫這封信時, 我祈禱它會幫助你們了解我的生命中所發生的. 雖然有些我要分享的消息是壞消息, 我希望你們不介意我從好消息講起.

親愛的朋友們, 我是一個父親了! 在四個多月前, 我的兒子Jadon Mackay Wu 出生了:　6磅1.5盎司, 長19英吋(包括他暫時尖尖的頭). 藉著一位非常慈愛, 奉獻, 育哺的母親的幫助, 他已經長成一個非常健康快樂, 胖胖的有雙下巴的男孩子, 喜歡呀呀學語, 吃吃的笑, 跟對著有趣的臉微笑. 事實上, 他還沒有遇到過他不喜歡的臉! 他早已熟練于控制頭部運動, 踢着腿在床上一吋吋轉圈, 而且看起來很快就可以自己翻身了.

我要告訴你將這小孩子抱在懷中, 凝視他的臉是那麼的奇妙. 雖然我幾乎每天都在照顧他, 我仍不能肯定我已完全相信: “我是一個父親了? 而這個是我的兒子?!” 然而看著他在我的眼前成長, 我的感恩是難以言喻的. 當Jadon睡在我的胸前, 我也可以感受到他的溫暖…哇! 多珍貴的從天父來的禮物(詩篇127:3)!

很難理解為什麼神對我, 一個可怕的罪人, 如此的恩寵, 給了我如此美好的兒子. 同時也很難了解我同Jadon的母親閒依然存在著許多的痛苦掙扎, 我們所犯的通姦的罪只是許多讓我們不能考慮婚姻的問題之一. 這許多的問題, 是我們在尋求牧師的輔導後才勉強開始認知並嚐試解決的. 也許有其它我們還沒有發現的問題. 一件事是肯定的: 罪讓我們的問題(包括其他人的罪)變得更加的複雜.

你們中的大多數人都知道, 多年來我都在為海外醫療宣教作準備. 事實上, 我曾被三個宣教機構任命, 而且我去西非一所醫院工作的一切準備也已就緒. 你們中的很多人, 也對這一計畫很支持. 一切都就緒了…幾乎.

一切都就緒了…除了我的心. 在宣教的最後準備階段(從2005年五月起), 事實上, 是我人生中極為痛苦混亂的季節. 我還是決定繼續我的宣教計畫, 因為我知道這一直是我明確的目標, 而我們的神也當然的配得我的愛與服侍. 我當時的代禱信也反映了零星的從神來的力量與信心. 但是逐漸的, 我變的驕傲且自我為中心. 我開始專注於我自私的想法, 什麼是我所需要的, 在可悲的自我里, 我忽視了我們神的聖律. 特別是在我同Jadon母親的關係中, 我開始將其他的人和物放在神之上, 實質上我將他們當偶像來崇拜.

在2005年的秋天, 我認識到我不能在教會中繼續擔任領導, 應此在於牧師跟幾位弟兄分享了我的罪之後, 我從領導的位置引退. 最終我決定取消一切全職宣教的計畫. 之後, 我跟Jadon的母親結束了我們的交往(去年十二月初), 我發現她懷孕了!

過去的一年難以想像的艱難, 不僅僅是因為導致我們的孩子出生的罪, 也是應為我自己愚蠢的罪, 我繼續活在苦毒, 自我為中心, 以及驕傲里. 在一切的過程中, 我使我們的神憂心, 也常常拒絕他的美好. 我顯然對我孩子的母親和她的家人造成了難以形容的深刻傷害. 我傷害了非常非常多人. (以下在我寫給我上司的信中我也解釋了我的一些情況, 他也以他的寬容沒有要求我請辭.)

我也傷害了你們, 親愛的聖人. 雖然你們並不知情, 我的不聖潔導致我不能更好的作為弟兄服侍你們, 特別作為一個領導我的罪使基督的肢體在世上蒙羞. 懇請, 懇請你們原諒我, 特別是你們中很多人對我海外事工給予了無私的支持.

如果你們有禱告的意願, 如果你們可以為以下的事禱告, 我會十分感激:
1. 為Jadon的健康平安, 特別是他能在成長中認識神, 優於他的父親.
2. 也為我跟Jadon的母親禱告, 禱告我們能夠重新學習作神喜樂順服的僕人, 為了他的榮耀以及Jadon得益. 因為我們身體的勞累這變的特別的困難: 我們都要照顧一個活躍的男孩子, 為了離Jadon更近, 我搬去跟和叔叔嬸嬸同住(他的母親同她的家人住在一起), 我現在需要開一小時的車去上班.
3. 為我的家人跟我的教會, 他們對我跟Jadon給予了相當的支持, 禱告他們會有智慧給我從神來的輔導和關懷.

是的, 雖然這整個過程極為困難(而且看起來很長的時間裡還會如此), 但是還是有好消息! 不僅僅因為Jadon是個快樂健康的男孩, 更重要的是, 他的父母因着耶穌的完全而得到了赦免与希望! 上帝是何等的美好, 不是嗎? 他是好的! 他是好的! 他是好的! 唯有他才佩得我們的敬拜讚美.

請原諒我通過信件讓你們得知這個消息. 如果可能我也很希望能親自跟你們每人見面, 但我認為及時分享這個消息(好的同不好的)是很重要的. 如果你們有任何關於我生活的問題請告知我. 如果你們有時間, 我也非常希望知道你們過的怎麼樣.

靠著恩典,
吳加怡

又及: 如果你們想看Jadon的照片, 可以上網:
http://picasaweb.google.com/newsfromthewus/200608081207JadonFavorites03month
(為了尊重Jadon的母親, 她的照片沒有被包括.)
再及: 如果你們想親自來看望Jadon, 請告知我!

*************************************
關於: 個人/職業問題
2006年9月8日

敬愛的R________醫生:

我相信你已經發現在過去一年里, 我的人生發生了極大的變化. 特別是我全職海外宣教的計畫, 雖然準備了多年, 卻將無限期的延後. 我記得你因為多方的流傳, 誤解行期的推遲是因為將至的婚禮, 我記得我們還曾經為此嬉笑. 我大概提過我之所以留下來的原因, 其實是我需要時間與神解決一些我個人的問題

我希望在我最初於你們共事之際, 就已經向您以及部門的其他同事清楚表明, 能同你們一起侍奉我們的救主耶穌是我非常非常大的榮幸. 我一直將它看作是從神來的禮物.特別是我曾積極準備去非洲的一個學術中心, 以便可以同住院醫師及學生一起服侍病人,活出神對我的呼召. 我在簽約時全心贊同我們團體行耶穌治愈的服侍的理念. 當我了解到在我們學校工作並不一定要是基督徒, 而對我來說能在一個支持福音的環境中傳揚並活出福音是一種恩典, 而我應該是在傳揚福音上比較積極的主治醫師之一. 我希望也相信, 我在工作中感性的, 道德的, 令人受益的與病人及同事分享福音, 不論他們的背景與信仰為何.

2006年八月八日, 早晨7點21分, 我的兒子Jadon Mackay Wu出生了. 那是一種難以言喻的喜樂, 於此同時, 多月來積蓄的喜悅的期待, 內心的痛苦之深是我從未體驗過的. 我與Jadon的母親為他是個健康的男孩而感恩, 也期待看到神在他身上以及透過他所要成就的事 (包括透過他在他的父母身上要成就的). 雖然我同他的母親繼續在非常非常複雜嚴肅的問題里掙扎, 我們正同我們的家人一起為了分別給予Jadon我們各自最好的照顧努力.

Jadon不是罪 – 這是一個不容質疑的事實. 神的話告訴我們他是一個禮物, 而我也將他當成從神來的珍貴的禮物.

但導致他的受孕的事件確實是罪. 表面上我的罪是通姦, 但更深層的問題是一個自傲, 姦淫的人生, 這一切都是我的過錯 – 極大的過錯, 而且我的罪也傷害到很多人.

當然, 我最大的罪是觸犯了我們慈愛的神. 我已經請求他的赦免, 而他也仁慈的通過耶穌賜下赦免. 他也繼續的愛我: 幫助我了解我罪的根源, 引導我處理它的後果, 並給了我一個教會和一群親近的弟兄以神的聖潔標準鼓勵要求我. 神的話使我確信這個過程不是懲罰, 而是恢復, 更是救贖. 甚至在上個月, 我還得神的祝福在非領導的位置有侍奉的機會, 在教會, 在家裡, 在朋友閒, 在我們的診所. 神對我太好了.

而且, 我知道除了神, 我還傷害了其他人. 我所屬的宣教機構在我的身上投注了大量的時間及其它資源, 而我卻讓他們失望了. (我與機構中的相關人士討論了我所犯的罪, 而他們也以禱告於支持, 接受了我的請辭). 有些人在我正式要求之前就給了我經濟上的援助, 我已根據他們的意願將其退還或另作它用. 我的家人及教會都為我啟程做好準備, 並為我的預備作深切的禱告. 遠超過我可以形容, 我顯然也傷害了Jadon的母親和她的家人.

我了解很多人會認為這是一個 “私人”問題, 於一個人的職業生命 “沒有關係”. 但我認為這種區分是有缺陷的, 特別是當聖經將整個生命稱為事工, 而我也在一個基督教的大學任教. 我並不是說所有的罪都要被擺在全校範圍作公開的道歉或審判. 我也並不認為大學需要所謂的 “道德警察” 來揪出所有的過錯. 我為了大學將這項工作交在聖靈的手中而感恩.

作為教職員之一, 我知道我的罪 – 特別是有如此範圍及深遠影響的罪 – 使我們的學校蒙羞. 為此我請求你們的寬恕. 我希望可以繼續以一名受了殤的治癒者的身分來侍奉耶穌基督, 更新我對我們學院的理念的承諾, 於此同時如果你們認為有必要, 我也已準備好請辭我的任命.

如果對你有幫助, 我願意回答任何關於我現階段及上階段的細節問題. 我切實的計畫了早在冬季將這一切呈于你, 但當時一些有關Jadon出生和養育的問題需要首先得到解決.

你真誠的,
Sidney S.C. Wu, MD吳加怡醫生

Blessed Ian (a follow-up letter from our 12/2005 cousins' trip to the Grand Canyon)

Dearest Cousins:

[As I write this, I want you guys first to know a few things. First I want you to know that I write out of my WEAKNESS; the things I share are lessons I am still learning. Those of you who joined us for the trip to the Grand Canyon know that I felt (& feel) least worthy of having organized & led the trip. Second, I want it to be clear that I don't write as if I was the person who most cared for Ian during our trip; Anna & Austin worked hardest by far to care him.]

It's not easy taking care of our cousin Ian, is it?

Why not just come out & say it? He doesn't like to bathe. He doesn't appreciate a lot of the things I enjoy doing (like playing group games or exercising). He gets "stuck" on certain things that I just don't understand (coins, travel brochures) & can throw tantrums when he doesn't get his way. Having him around keeps me from being able to do some things I otherwise would like to do. Caring for him adds extra, tangible burden to my life's plans.

"BLESSED IS IAN..."
What I've been learning in the last few years, though, is that God's economy isn't much like the world's economy. Our Lord Jesus' very life & death attest to that fact. He flips upside-down our innate value systems, perhaps best stated in His words from the mountain:
"Blessed are the poor... Blessed are those who mourn... Blessed are the meek... Blessed are those who hunger & thirst... Blessed are the merciful... Blessed are the pure in heart... Blessed are the peacemakers... Blessed are those who are persecuted..." (Matthew 5:1-12).
If Jesus is among us now in Spirit, does He not add, "Blessed is Ian"? (I'll tell you what I mean in a minute...)

I look at the list of what Jesus tells us signifies blessing, & I say to myself, "What??!!! Aren't these things typically the very things we try to AVOID?"

Perhaps my strong reaction is because of how Jesus challenges my own life, my own values. "What does that mean about ME? Am I blessed?"

Yes, dear cousins, I AM blessed... but how? My health? My being American/Canadian? My degree? My getting to live in a beautiful place? My Taiwanese heritage? My ability to communicate? My medical degree? A lot of people certainly have encouraged me to think that these are blessings... so are they right?

Maybe. It isn't that I'm not thankful for each or that they haven't benefited me. Each has helped me in one way or another. But if I recognize them to be something they're not (as if they make me more valuable or lovable), or if I don't let them "die" & then disciple them to be used for God's kingdom (Luke 9:23), they can end up... well, damning.

When I was in a position to preach & teach in churches (not now), I had the sneaking suspicion that some people would pay attention only because I was a doctor, a so-called "upstanding member of society." So did my being a doctor help people to hear the Gospel? I'd have to say "perhaps," if they saw me as someone wholly submitted to Jesus, who happened to live that out in the vocation of medicine. More often, I'm very afraid, my being a doctor might have instead distracted from the Gospel message. Would these people have listened more, or less, carefully if Jesus Himself was speaking? Isaiah 53:2 tells us of Jesus, "He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him." Was I speaking from a life totally discipled to Christ, following in His willingness for self-sacrifice? Jesus spoke to many & was murdered on the cross!

So then, who's more blessed: Ian or I? I honestly don't have the answer to that, because I know God has greatly blessed me in saving my life from sin.

But I do know that Ian is remarkably blessed. He comes before God with only child-like faith (just as we can, if we're humble enough to recognize it). Ian must rely on the help of others (just as we must, when we're humble enough to realize it). He trusts implicitly that his needs (which he cannot meet on his own) will be met (just as we are called to in humility).

To be sure, Ian has a few needs we don't have. He can't safely go around a new area on his own. He needs reminders to keep himself clean. He might make some people uncomfortable at parties.

But he also has the ability to teach us, in ways we cannot teach ourselves, how to live a simple life. To learn from him, we must humble ourselves just as the pious Pharisees & powerful Roman soldiers needed to if they wanted to learn from the lowly carpenter's son Jesus (Matthew 23:12). Ian, too, teaches us from his blessedness.

We can be blessed by Ian not only by learning from him, but also in caring for him. When we care for Ian, we learn to serve Jesus in ways we could not otherwise learn. When I read Matthew 25:31-46, I am challenged to serve Jesus among "the least of these brothers of mine," & it involves remembering that these "least" are in fact the ones Jesus calls MOST blessed.

When we get our new glorified bodies on the other side of eternity, & the curse of autism (oh yes it is a curse; because of Redemption God simply forces it to become a blessing for His children; Romans 8:28) is lifted from Ian's being, perhaps he'll be able to articulate all the things we'll have yet to learn. And together, along with the rest of our family, may we cry out together, "Yes Jesus, You had it right all along. Thank You for blessing us in ways You knew were best for us, in ways we ourselves would never have imagined."

And thank you, Ian.

God's grace is too awesome for words, isn't it, Dear Cousins?

Love,
Stephen
PS: Again, I'm sorry for taking so long to write.

Important announcement

January 27, 2006

Dearest Praying Friends & Family:

How are you? I pray that this letter finds you joyfully learning the lessons God has for you, for His kingdom's sake. From some of you I've heard pretty tough news; may the Lord specially show you His great mercy & grace. From some of you I've heard very, very happy news; praises to God!

It has been about 7 months since I last wrote to you en-masse regarding missions, & many of you know that after many years of preparation I was planning to depart from the U.S. this year. Your support through the years was invaluable to me, & I could hardly have ever deserved it. At very strategic times when life was hard, God used many of you to encourage me. Thank you very, very much.

All of your goodness to me makes this important announcement all the more difficult to make: at the beginning of last month I made the decision to cancel my plans for overseas service.

The decision was not made lightly. I discussed it with some close brothers, some pastors, and the staff of my mission boards, & it was clear that this was the best path for me to take at this time. Cancelling my plans for overseas service now is not only the best for me, but also is the best way to honor the ministry of each mission board & to glorify our holy God. Serving In Mission (SIM) & Evangelical Formosan Church's Global Life Enrichment Center (EFC/GLEC), & Project MedSend, while extending their prayerful support, have accepted my resignations from mission appointment.

My prayer is that there is no misunderstanding about the reasons for this decision. It certainly was NOT that I felt under-supported; on the contrary many of you made clear to me that you were behind me 100%, & the different organizations I worked with also graciously gave me full support. It also is NOT because I no longer feel mission work is important; rather, I know that it is vital to God's kingdom... our world yet needs to hear about Christ!

Rather, the reason for my withdrawal is because of the unreadiness of my HEART. Even though my financial, occupational, cultural, physical, language, family, & organizational preparations were all "in place," I had failed to guard my HEART against idolatry. I had turned away from worshiping the one, true, wonderful God, to worship other things, including my own fears & my own plans for life. From these sinful roots sprang forth other problems which further clouded my ability to serve & lead effectively in God's kingdom, & disqualified my service as a church leader per 1 Timothy. For this reason I stepped down from leadership in my local church (EFC & Living Water Christian Fellowship) months ago. Sadly, I was the one who had failed to submit my life to the holy goodness of Christ.

My offense was most deeply against our loving God, of course. I have asked His forgiveness, & He has graciously granted it in Jesus. He also continues to love me through helping me understand the roots of my sin, helping me work through its effects, & giving me a close band of brothers to encourage & challenge me according to His holy standards. God's word assures me that this process is not punitive, but rather restorative. Even in the last month I have been blessed with opportunities to serve His kingdom in non-leadership roles in my local church, in my family, with friends, & at work. God has been too good to me.

Still, I know that I hurt others besides God. The boards I was working under invested a considerable amount of time & other resources into me, & I let them down. Several people gave me money before I ever formally asked for it; I returned or redirected their contributions according to their wishes. My family & my local church were all ready for my departure & were deeply praying for my readiness.

I hurt you, too, in taking your loving support lightly as I failed to stand strong for God's kingdom as your representative.

Please forgive me for so deeply wronging you.

Yours Truly,
Sidney Wu

LOVE News photo #8

Where in the world is Niger?

LOVE News photo #7

Here I come Niger, with love!
尼日我來了，帶著愛！

LOVE News photo #6

Apparently Gabrielle, fluent in French & of 1/2-French descent, doesn’t much love my French acting. She heads to Niger this fall.
很顯然，講流利法文並有1/2法國血統的Gabrielle，不太喜歡我學的法國人。她今年秋季將出發去尼日。

LOVE News photo #5

Joking around with friends at church, a face only a mother could love
在教會同朋友們玩鬧，“只有媽媽才會愛”的臉。

LOVE News photo #4

A recent 5K race with friends
最近同朋友參加五公里長跑。

LOVE News photo #3

Receiving Love
Dale, a fellow missionary, prays for me after I shared my testimony in North Carolina
“接收愛” Dale, 一位傳教士弟兄, 在我於北卡羅來納州分享我的見證後爲我禱告。

LOVE News photo #2

Giving Love
At my high school alma mater helping to award a scholarship we started a few years ago
“給予愛” 在我以前的高中，幫助頒發我們幾年前開設的獎學金。

LOVE News photo #1

“Love is an ocean”
Laura and Charles Abavare, separated by an ‘ocean’ of love
“愛如海洋”Laura和Charles Abavare， 在愛的海洋的兩岸。