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Just this past Sunday during worship, our church celebrated what many call a "baby dedication" for Jadon. Of course, most of us realized early on in planning that the dedication would be much more a commitment of Christian parenthood, a kind of "parent dedication." I'd been wanting to do this for over a year (Jadon's now 18 months old!), but for many reasons I kept putting it off. Finally, a few months ago I approached our church leadership about it, & we agreed on a date.
As I was trying to prepare something to share with the church, I found those last days before Sunday quite telling about the inner realities of my heart. God was showing me that the idols of my heart are not only the things I turn to (besides Himself) to fulfill my needs; oftentimes, my idols are my felt needs themselves...my own selfish expectations of life & my self-made ways of processing things to protect my way of life.
To God be the glory! He was showing me that these idols, too, needed to die. & in this death, there would be true life eternal!
And here is what I shared (edited for clarity):
Dear Brothers & Sisters of LWCF:
When I was asked to share a few words with you today as I was to make this commitment of Christian parenthood, I knew immediately that I wanted to come up here & encourage you to live by faith in the Gospel. I knew that it was the only thing worth talking about, & it was the only thing that has kept me alive – knowing that God loves me deeply & will accomplish His purposes in my life.
But strangely enough, as I finally bore down to put my thoughts into words, I realized that there are yet very deep, deep areas of my life in which I haven’t trusted in God’s goodness – deep areas in which I secretly despised the Gospel because it would mean that I would have to abandon my own pride & stop trusting in myself. Earlier this week as I wallowed in self-pity about how such a sinful person could come before his congregation in any worthwhile way (“Just what do I have to offer my church when my own private life is so screwed up???”), I realized that I wanted to share from a position of strength, from the perspective of one who had finally “pulled himself together” & could be a kind of self-made example to follow. I realized that even though on the outside I was planning to speak about “trusting in the Gospel,” in some ways inwardly I was still trusting in the false gospel of myself. Even worse, I was secretly hoping that people would look at me & think, “Oh, look at Sid & what a nice thing he’s doing for Jadon. He must be such a great father!”
So, in actuality I stand here as a very broken & very weak man. Bloody battles still often rage within me as to whom I will trust & love – the God who first loved me in Jesus, or other people or things? I am ashamed to say that I have too often still made wrong decisions, & chased after power, relationships, and pleasure to somehow salve my soul & “make things right” in my messy life. Too often I have worshiped these gifts rather than thankfully worshiped the supreme Giver of these gifts. Even my life’s spirituality – the gift of relating to God in prayer, Bible-reading, & fellowship with other believers – has often been turned into an idol as I smugly tried to put God into a box and make Him serve my own needs, in my own ways, according to my own time.
Ever since childhood I have heard the true saying: “Christianity isn’t a religion; it’s a relationship.” Indeed, Christianity is about relating with the living Jesus who loves us & saves us for Himself. But while I knew that following Him would necessarily involve suffering (Philippians 3:10), somehow I had the wrong idea that I would get to pick which kinds of suffering I would face. I felt that I had already chosen to prepare myself to face the pain of relative poverty, misunderstanding, and the uncertainty of living far away from loved ones, so when my life came upon unexpectedly painful & confusing circumstances, I rebelled – I thought “How could this be God’s plan?” & even worse, “If God would allow this, then this is not the kind of God I want to follow” – & of course in my sin I only brought more pain & confusion into my life. I had not realized that relating with God is not like relating with a lifeless recipe for self-fulfillment. My self-made God-in-a-box was not the God of the Bible, the One who spoke the universe into being, commands legions of angels, and uses everything – including the tumultuous weather, sinful governments, & even Satan-on-a-leash – to accomplish His very good purposes. I needed to let the real Jesus be the real Jesus – especially if I really call Him the Lord of my life – and let our relationship take on the unexpected turns of disappointment & joy, heartache & rest. I needed to let go of my self-centered expectations of God & submit to Him in His raw, immeasurable greatness.
He is the only truly trustworthy One anyway, right? As Pastor Ray reminded us last week, the things I tend to chase after – power, pleasure, & relationships (even if they are good gifts from God) – can never take care of my real needs anyway. They themselves can never cover my shame or nakedness in this world…only Christ can (Romans). The Gospel we are called to trust is not the gifts of God; the Gospel we are called to trust is GOD Himself! GOD IS THE GOSPEL!
So, for all my own unfaithfulness & rebellious thinking, there is good news: GOD is faithful! GOD is trustworthy! GOD has done EVERYTHING in His Son Jesus to save me for Himself!
One of the great things God has done for me is give me this church, to encourage me & challenge me according to the truth. Through these past few years, as I shared about stepping away from leadership in ministry, & later as I shared about Jadon’s coming, you have served as God’s ministers of grace. Each one of you has even helped to serve as "extra eyes" to keep close watch over Jadon. THANK YOU!
Even recently you helped me along in the way of truth & grace in God. Last week when I shared with Ki how I struggle with loneliness & despair when I say goodbye to Jadon, he reminded me with a challenge: “Is God enough?” Indeed, He is enough. Thank you, Ki.
My prayer, then, is that God would be faithful in giving me the strength & wisdom to raise Jadon up according to His ways. There are no guarantees, of course, that Jadon will trust in God as a believer all his days, but it is my commitment today to guide him by word & example to know & trust in the God who made Himself known in Jesus, for the glory of God alone. I make this commitment before God & you, not because I will fulfill it flawlessly – I can’t & won’t – but because, as I make my many fatherly blunders, I trust that God will be faithful to bring me back into a truer, better knowledge of Him, & also that He will continue to use you, my brothers & sisters, to get me there.
Some books that have been quite helpful for me lately (interestingly, though they were recommended by different people they ended up dove-tailing one into the other):When People Are Big and God Is Small by Edward T. Welch
Breaking the Idols of Your Heart by Dan B. Allender & Tremper Longman III
Want to see Jadon's latest photos?
If the slideshow doesn't work you may click here:
http://picasaweb.google.com/newsfromthewus/2007120820080207JadonFavorites1617monthsPublic
Below are some slightly older photos:
http://picasaweb.google.com/newsfromthewus/200710081207JadonFavorites1415monthsPublic
http://picasaweb.google.com/newsfromthewus/200708081007JadonFavorites1213months
