Daddy's favorite photos of Jadon 8/8/2008 - 11/7/2008

有益的悲傷!

“ 深 哉 ， 神 豐 富 的 智 慧 和 知 識 ！ 他 的 判 斷 何 其 難 測 ！ 他 的 蹤 跡 何 其 難 尋 ！ 誰 知 道 主 的 心 ？ 誰 作 過 他 的 謀 士 呢 ？ 誰 是 先 給 了 他 ， 使 他 後 來 償 還 呢 ？ 因 為 萬 有 都 是 本 於 他 ， 倚 靠 他 ， 歸 於 他 。 願 榮 耀 歸 給 他 ， 直 到 永 遠 。 阿 們 ！”
（羅馬書11：33-36）

“庫德勒-羅斯，”我自己想著 “庫德勒-羅斯的悲傷五階段。”

幾個月前，當9歲的Jennifer來就診時，這個想法在我腦中突然出現。她有嚴重的痙攣性大腦麻痹，這是一種在出生初期的某種悲劇導致的永久性神經肌肉疾病，而這只是她眾多病癥中的一項。她的祖母帶她來做年度的檢查。他的祖母是一位非常屬靈的女士，一位主內的姐妹，她不斷講述著自己飆升的盼望，Jennifer會很快像其他她年紀的孩子一樣行走，說話。當然，現代醫學救了Jennifer的命，也使她的病情相對的穩定，但是在9年中都不能讓她行走講話，而是相差甚遠。Jennifer坐在她的輪椅里，流著口水，痙攣著，不能溝通，除了她的微笑。

“祖母只是在否定事實”我繼續自己想著“她難道不知道在地上的日子里Jennifer將永遠不能行走？難道沒有人告訴過她Jennifer病情的診斷結果？”事实很可能是很多醫生歷年來都曾告訴祖母Jennifer病情的嚴重性，但是祖母還是不能接受。我擔心是因為有時家人不切實際的盼望會導致他們最終做出的決定使得病人不能接受完整的治療。有時候，家人（或者病人本人）會拒絕接受安全有效，上帝給予的治療，因為他們在“等待”上帝的奇妙醫治。有時候，他們忽略了信仰基督不能避免的疾病與苦難的嚴酷真相。

不過，祖母的悲痛是可以理解的。她應該對她的孫子孫女有很多沒有說出的夢想和希望：他們可以跑來跑去，與她閑聊他們的每天發生的事。但對于Jennifer，這一切的希望卻沒有依托 – 是死的。而任何有價值的東西死亡，都會引發悲傷。

當我那天與Jennifer坐在診所里，最值得注意的并不是單純的因為我發現祖母所處否定事實的階段同心理學家庫德勒-羅斯描述的悲傷五階段相符。而是一種更加深刻尖銳的領悟：我也一直在為自己逝去的夢想悲哀。

那天，在我最隱秘的意念里，我漸漸了解到在過去的3年中，我一直在為自己已消失的夢想和盼望悲哀。我也曾難以了解我所處的真實情況，我失去的美好婚姻和與Jadon和他的母親組織完整家庭的夢想。

庫德勒-羅斯描述了悲傷的五個階段，它們大致依次發生，但也常來回反復。我心中開始浮現了一個對照表。。。

那一天，我立即明白了我在過去的幾年里一直處在庫德勒-羅斯所描述的否認階段。活在自己的世界，我常常拒絕看到聽到我自己和其他人生命里重大的道德缺陷，这导致我的梦想成为一个空想。我忽視了很多親近的朋友和家人要我結束一段沒有結果的感情的請求。种种的问题導致任何公開誠實的感情不可能實現，即使不太了解我的人都可以指出这一切。但是我總是輕視這些建議，“啊哟，你們是不了解。如果你們知道。。。那你們就會知道你們錯了”我會用愚蠢的借口來解釋別人看來單純而簡單的事。更糟的是，我有時甚至忽略事實，希望已經變成人生中痛苦模式的一切以某種方式。。。只是可能。。。最終消逝而回到原先的童話的結局。即使我试着活在自己的世界，最终还是不能如愿。

那庫德勒-羅斯所描述的憤怒階段呢? 的確，這也是我情緒化的人生的一部分。有時我會非常憤怒，我擁有完整快樂家庭的希望破滅了，雖然為此我傾注了我的所有。我為自己做出的非常錯誤有害的決定憤怒，有時我甚至為自己忽略種種顯示我的希望沒有建立在正確的基礎上的跡象而憤怒。我也對Jadon的母親感到憤怒，包括她不能達到我的期望。更可怕的是，我對神感到憤怒。雖然我有時會向他陳述，但不幸的，大多時候，我對神的憤怒并沒有陳述出來，我的憤怒通過其他的渠道。。。包括一度無視神的存在。這些罪導致了種種憤怒的想法（如果我必須用語言表達）“你難道不應該是慈愛的神嗎？慈愛的神怎么會允許這種事發生？你難道不是承諾了要在我生命里成就好事嗎？你難道沒有看到發生了什么事嗎？你為什么不做些什么？你到底在乎嗎？你知道嗎？你當上帝真是糟透了！你已經不值得我跟隨了！你甚至不知道如何給你的孩子提供一個基本的，充滿愛的家。”顯然，我經歷了憤怒。

我已經忘記了庫德勒-羅斯悲傷五階段中的幾個。我的護士提醒我下個階段是討價還價。那天晚些的時候，我繼續思考，我必須承認我也常常處在這個階段。不愿接受作為婚姻基石的信任的不存在，我常與Jadon的母親爭論我們之間是有某些希望的，這最終使得我們之間的希望更加渺茫。我不曾領悟愛是自由給予的，而不是討價還價來的。當然，我也試著跟神討價還價。雖然我沒有用語言表達，但我顯然試著用自己對令人失望的環境的反應與神討價還價。如果用語言表達，應該是類似：“好吧，上帝，我只是想要一個愛我的太太。如果我現在開始好好表現，用更新的嚴格要求奉獻，你會實現我的請求嗎？我在我的教會服侍，向別人宣揚你。。。這些還不足以讓你給Jadon一個完整的家嗎？”這種被錯誤引導的法定主義不但沒有意義，更重要的是沒有考慮到神的全然掌權。他不會被任何人的框框所限制，不論你多努力的討價還價。

之后我在百科全書中查詢了庫德勒-羅斯才想到悲傷的下一個階段是憂郁。最開始，我認為沮喪是我略過的一個階段（看吧，我又在否認了），也許作為一個醫生，我從臨床診斷的角度來看待憂郁，它要符合嚴格的診斷標準。我思考，“我回到沒有Jadon的家，到處都是他的東西 – 他空著的高腳椅，他空著的床，他空著的要木馬，我當然會難過。當然，我有時會沮喪當我想起我那么多的朋友都有快樂的婚姻。但是憂郁癥？我？不可能！”這是我最初的反對，但是，很快我就認識到我也經歷了這個階段 – 而且相當長，通常跟其它的階段一起，在它們之間反復的時候。除了憂郁，還有什么原因使一個外向的人經常幾天與人隔絕？有什么原因使我浪費幾個小時心不在焉的看電視，上網，尋找任何可以讓我忘記痛苦現實的東西？有什么原因讓我晚上失眠，早晨焦躁不安？有時我會覺得完全疲倦到不想再活下去。我怎么能否認憂郁是我近來生活中的一部分？

那庫德勒-羅斯悲傷的最终階段接受呢？我不知道。我想我曾短暫的處在這個階段，但很快回到較低的，較不健康的悲傷的階段。有時我覺得我了解了事實，甚至掌握了它一切的重擔：Jadon的母親和我沒有考慮婚姻的可能。除非有奇跡的改變，Jadon會在不完整的家庭長大。我擁有完整家庭的希望和夢想已真的破灭了。我想知道我最近幾天的想法是不是我終于接受了夢想破灭事實的征兆。

是什么讓我可以掌握了如此沉重的事實，接受了這曾經甚至連考慮都困難的一切？是什么讓我在人生的重大失意的重擔下可以抬起頭，向前看，挺起肩膀？

除了耶穌我沒有其他东西可以相信。

雖然庫德勒-羅斯描述悲傷的階段真實而深刻，她沒有給予悲傷解答，沒有提供合神心意的接受艱難处境的方式。雖然庫德勒-羅斯描述悲傷五階段有所幫助，但那些不是福音！

* 只有福音，主耶穌為我死里復活的福音，让我的眼睛可以看到罪的嚴酷事實（我的與別人的）和它丑陋的后果。（你可以在圣經里讀到：耶利米書17章9節，羅馬書3章10-18節）。
* 只有福音告訴我不止我華麗完整家庭的夢想破灭了，這夢想本身是我生命中需要消除的偶像。我將我未來家庭的夢想擺在神之上（從我通過用不合神心意的方式去取得它，到我在得不到它时的反叛都可以看到）的本身就是種可憎的罪（路加福音14章26-33節；以賽亞書55章1-7節）。
* 只有福音告訴我神的愛致使一切惡的事 – 甚至是我自己的罪帶來的后果 – 都可以成為對我對別人有益的（希伯來書12章：5-11節；羅馬書8章28節）。

* 耶穌比任何人都了解孤獨和被離棄，被奚落侮辱，被誤解。他自己也充分的經歷了悲傷(以賽亞書53章3節；希伯來書4章15-16節）。
* 耶穌比任何人都了解孤獨和被離棄，被奚落侮辱，被誤解。他自己也充分的經歷了悲傷（以賽亞書53章4節，腓力比書4章13節，以賽亞書62章5節）。

耶穌對我如此的仁慈。他讓我看到我的過錯 – 錯的如此離譜，還給了我改變的力量。他的話語承諾了他會用我生命中的一切苦難傷害將我變得更像他（羅馬書8章29節，腓力比書1章6節）。通過他，我可以在罪發生時尋求饒恕也饒恕他人（馬太福音18章21-35節）。透過他我知道我已經擁有一個愛我的家，教會，我可以在這里養育Jadon（哥林多前書12章12-27節；以弗所書2章19節）。透過他，我學習著愛Jadon和他的母親，有智慧的，沒有不合神的心意的死去的愿望與夢想的。

當我開始比較一貫的接受我自私的愿望和夢想破灭的時候，我意識到在永恒的這一端，孤獨迷茫的痛苦是不會完全消失的。然而它的另一端，更長的（長到永恒的）另一端终會來臨的。在那里，我們所有從神來的愿望和夢想，我們心中最深的期盼，都會最終完全的成就。在那里，我們會得到完全的平安與喜樂 – 不僅僅是我們的心靈也有我們的肉體。在耶穌里，這是我們確實的盼望，而我也盼望那個時刻的到來。小Jennifer會從大腦性麻痹中解脫，她也會在那里，和她的祖母一起歌唱跳舞。同我們的救主一起，我們會最終了解為什么我們現在要面對這一切的苦難與疾病。當我們聽到神就著我們的苦難，為我們和我們的后代成就了多少益事，我們大概會張大了嘴。當我們看到他莫大的美好，我們大概會不住感謝他將我們作為他完美計劃中的一部分，無論我們經歷了多少苦難。因為我們知道我們神这么的美好，我們會最終了解我們的悲傷是有益的。是有益的，有益的。。。悲傷！

“ 我 又 看 見 一 個 新 天 新 地 ； 因 為 先 前 的 天 地 已 經 過 去 了 ， 海 也 不 再 有 了 。 。。看 哪 ， 神 的 帳 幕 在 人 間 。 他 要 與 人 同 住 ， 他 們 要 作 他 的 子 民 。 神 要 親 自 與 他 們 同 在 ， 作 他 們 的 神 。 神 要 擦 去 他 們 一 切 的 眼 淚 ； 不 再 有 死 亡 ， 也 不 再 有 悲 哀 、 哭 號 、 疼 痛 ， 因 為 以 前 的 事 都 過 去 了 。”
(啟示錄21章1，3，4節)

文中使用化名以保護病人的隱私。

如果你在找好的書，或是想更深入的閱讀我剛剛開始學習的東西，可以看一下Joni Eareckson Tada和Steve Estes的當上帝在哭泣。其實我已經看了四五遍了（東西要很久才可以進入我固執的腦袋）。。。

(this entry is simply a Chinese translation of the English 9/21/2008 entry)

Good, Good Grief!

"Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!
'For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor?'
'Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?'
For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen." (Romans 11:33-36)

“Kubler-Ross,” I thought to myself. “Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief.”

It was a few months ago when these seemingly random thoughts came to my mind during an office visit for 9-year-old Jennifer*, a patient with severe spastic quadriplegic cerebral palsy, a permanent neuromuscular disorder caused by some tragic events around birth, & only one of her many medical problems. Her grandmother had brought her in for an annual check-up. A deeply religious woman & sister-in-Christ, Grandma kept speaking with soaring hope about how Jennifer was soon going to walk & talk like other children her age. Certainly modern medicine had saved Jennifer’s life & brought a measure of stability to her body’s diseases, but in 9 years it had not helped her to walk or talk, or even come close. There in her wheelchair Jennifer sat: drooling, spastic, & uncommunicative, save for her smile.

“Grandma’s in denial,” I continued to think to myself. “Doesn’t she know that Jennifer will never be able to walk this side of eternity? Hasn’t anybody ever told her the prognosis of Jennifer’s case?” The truth is that probably many doctors over the years had told Grandma about the stark reality of Jennifer’s condition, & Grandma had yet to take it in. I was concerned because sometimes families’ unrealistic hopes can lead them to make decisions which ultimately keep the patient from receiving the full benefits of medical care. At times, families (or patients themselves) have refused safe & effective God-given therapies because they were “holding out” for God’s miraculous healing. Sometimes these people fail to see that faith in Christ doesn’t preclude accepting the stark, often grim realities of disease & suffering.

It was understandable, though, that Grandma would be grieving. She probably had many unspoken dreams & hopes for her grandchildren: that they’d be running around & chattering away with her about their days’ events. With Jennifer, these dreams & hopes had no substance – they were dead… and death, of anything worthwhile, rightly gives way to grief.

As I sat there in clinic with Jennifer that day, the remarkable thing wasn’t simply that I’d noted that Grandma’s state of denial was in line with what psychiatrist Kubler-Ross described as the stages of grief. There was a deeper, more poignant realization at hand: I too have been grieving the death of my own dreams.

In my mostly private thoughts that day, it slowly dawned on me that for the past 3 years I too have been grieving the death of my own dreams & hopes. I too have had a hard time coming to grips with the reality of my life situation & the loss of my own dream of marital bliss & a whole family with Jadon & his mother.

Dr. Kubler-Ross described 5 stages of grief, with a general progression from one to the next, though often with jumps back & forth between. I started down the mental checklist...

That day, I knew right away that I had spent much of the last few years in Kubler-Ross’ stage of denial. Wearing rose-colored glasses, I often refused to see or hear of the huge character problems in my own life & others’ which rendered my dream a fantasy. I ignored the pleas of many close friends & family to leave & let go of a relationship that was going nowhere. Even people who didn’t know me very well would point out issues that would make any relationship based on openness & honesty impossible. Yet I would pooh-pooh these people with such sayings as, “Well, you just don’t understand. If only you knew… then you would see where you’re wrong.” I would make up crazy excuses to explain away what to others was plain & simple. Worse yet, at times I would simply ignore the facts & just wish that what had become a painful pattern of life would somehow... just maybe... finally dissolve & turn around to its scripted, storybook ending. Despite the rose-colored glasses, it never did.

What about Kubler-Ross’ stage of anger? Yes, that had often been the case for my emotional life, too. At times I was very angry that my dream for a whole & happy family was dashed, despite having invested my whole being into it. I was angry at myself for making very wrong & hurtful decisions, & sometimes I was even angry with myself for missing all the cues around me that my hopes were not rightly founded. I was angry at Jadon’s mother on many counts too, including for her failure to live up to my expectations. Most horribly, I was angry at God. Though I did tell Him so on occasion, sadly most of my anger at God went unuttered, & my rage would act itself out in other ways… including ignoring Him for periods of time. These additional sins were borne of such angry thoughts as (if I had put them to words) “Aren’t You supposed to be a loving God? What kind of loving God would allow this ____? Didn’t You promise good things in my life? Don’t You even see what’s going on? Why don’t You do something about it? Haven’t You noticed that I’m bleeding to death here? Do You even care? You know what? You suck at being God! You’re not worth following anymore! You don’t even know how to provide a basic, loving family to Your children!” No doubt, I had my share of anger...

I’d forgotten some of Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief. My nurse had to remind me that bargaining was the next stage. And as I thought on it later that day & onward, I had to admit that I’d often been in this stage as well. Not wanting to accept that the basic building blocks for trust in marriage were absent, I often had bargained with Jadon’s mother for some kind of hope for us, but that left me in the end with even less hope. I hadn’t realized that love can only be freely given, never bargained for. And, of course, I even tried bargaining with God. I didn’t so much as lay it out in words, but it was clear that I was trying to bargain with Him by my reactions to disappointing circumstances. Put to words, it might have gone something like this: “OK, God, I’m only asking for a loving wife. If I shape up now & do my devotions with renewed rigor, would You please grant my request? I’m helping out in my church & telling people about You… isn’t that enough to make You want to give Jadon a whole family?” Such misguided legalism not only failed to work, but it more importantly failed to consider the grand sovereignty of God. He will not be confined to anyone’s box, no matter how hard the bargain...

I had to look up Kubler-Ross in the encyclopedia later on to recall that depression was the next stage in her description of grief. At first the stage of depression struck me as something I must have skipped (denial, anyone?), perhaps because as a physician I think of depression in clinical terms, with strict diagnostic criteria. I thought, “Of course I’d be sad when I’d enter my Jadon-less home filled with his things – his empty high-chair, his empty bed, his empty rocking horse. Sure, I’d get the blues sometimes when I thought about how so many of my friends were already happily married. But depressed? Me? No way!” This initial sense of objection, though, soon met with the realization that I had experienced this stage of grief too – quite often, in fact, usually as a meld with the other stages as I passed from one to the next & back. What else but depression would explain how an extrovert would so frequently dive into caverns of relative isolation for days at a time? Why else had I so often wasted away hours in mindless TV watching & internet surfing, searching for something – anything – to keep my mind from feeling anything painfully real? What else could make my nights so sleepless & days so restless? At times I felt so thoroughly beat that I would have preferred not to live at all anymore. How could I deny that depression hadn’t been part of my recent life?

What about Kubler-Ross’ final stage of grief: acceptance? I don’t know. I think I’ve been there for brief periods, always followed by quick reversion to the lower, unhealthier stages of grief. On occasion I think I’ve taken hold of the truth, & grasp it even with all its gravity: Jadon’s mother & I have no grounds for considering marriage. Barring miraculous change, Jadon will grow up in a broken home. My hopes & dreams for an intact family are really dead. I wonder if these last several days are an example of my finally taking hold of the death of these dreams.

What enables me to lay hold of such a heavy reality, to accept what has been so difficult for me to even consider? What will enable me to keep my head up, my eyes forward, & my shoulders strong under the burden of the very real disappointments of life?

I can trust in no other than Jesus.

As true & insightful as Kubler-Ross was in her description of grief, she did not provide the solution to grief, the way to godly acceptance of hard circumstances. As helpful as Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief are, they are not the Gospel!
- Only the Gospel, the Good News of Jesus’ life & death for me, opens my eyes to see the stark reality of sin (mine & others’) & its ugly effects. (See it for yourself in the Bible: Jeremiah 17:9; Romans 3:10-18.)
- Only the Gospel shows me not only that my dream for a shining unbroken family is dead, but also that the dream itself was an idol in my life that needed to die. That I put the dream of my future family above God (seen in how I would use ungodly means to try to obtain it, & my rebelliousness when I didn’t get it) was itself a heinous sin (Luke 14:26-33; Isaiah 55:1-7).
- Only the Gospel tells me of God’s love which forces bad things – even the consequences of my own many sins – to be for my benefit & others’ (Hebrews 12:5-11; Romans 8:28).
- Jesus understands like no other what it’s like to be alone & deserted, subject to scorn & shame, & misunderstood. He Himself is well acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53:3; Hebrews 4:15-16).
- Jesus actually upholds me when I feel weak. He carries my burdens with me, & is the Bridegroom to those who are lonely (Isaiah 53:4; Philippians 4:13; Isaiah 62:5).

Jesus has been so merciful to me. He opens my eyes to see where I’ve been wrong – so wrong, & gives the strength to change. His Word guarantees that He will use all of my life’s hardships & hurts to make me more like Him (Romans 8:29; Philippians 1:6). Through Him, I can seek forgiveness & forgive others where wrongs have been committed (Matthew 18:21-35). Through Him I know I have a loving family already, the Church, in which I can raise Jadon (1 Corinthians 12:12-27; Ephesians 2:19). Through Him I am learning to love Jadon & his mother with wisdom, free from the ungodly expectations of my dead hopes & dreams.

As I begin to more consistently accept the death of my selfish hopes & dreams, I’m reminded that the pangs of loneliness & confusion will probably never completely disappear this side of eternity. The other, longer (eternally longer!) side of eternity has yet to come. There, ALL of our God-given hopes & dreams, the deepest longings of our hearts, will finally find their fullest fruition. There, complete peace & joyful wholeness will be ours – not just for our hearts but for our bodies as well. In Jesus, this is our sure hope, & I look forward to that time. Little Jennifer – finally free from cerebral palsy – will be there too, singing & dancing with her grandmother. Together with our Savior, we will at last learn why we had to face all the suffering & disease which inflict us now. We’ll probably sit with our mouths agape as we hear of the good things God accomplished in & through our grief, both in our lives & in the generations after us. When we see His vast goodness, we’ll probably never cease to thank Him for including us in His perfect plan, no matter how much grief we bore. And, because we will know just how good our God is, in the end we will know our grief was good. Good… good... grief!

“Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away… ‘Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.’” (Revelation 21:1,3,4)

*name changed to protect patient confidentiality

Post-script: If you’re looking for a good book & would like to read more in-depth the things I’m barely beginning to learn, check out Joni Eareckson Tada & Steve Estes’ When God Weeps. I’m actually going through it for the fourth or fifth time (things take a LONG time to seep through this thick skull of mine)...

Isaiah 58

Cry aloud; do not hold back;
Lift up your voice like a trumpet;
Declare to my people their transgression,
To the house of Jacob their sins.
Yet they seek me daily
And delight to know my ways,
As if they were a nation that did righteousness
And did not forsake the judgment of their God;
They ask of me righteous judgments;
They delight to draw near to God.
‘Why have we fasted, and you see it not?
Why have we humbled ourselves, and you take no knowledge of it?’
Behold, in the day of your fast you seek your own pleasure,
And oppress all your workers.
Behold, you fast only to quarrel and to fight
And to hit with a wicked fist.
Fasting like yours this day will not make your voice to be heard on high.
Is such the fast that I choose,
A day for a person to humble himself?
Is it to bow down his head like a reed,
And to spread sackcloth and ashes under him?
Will you call this a fast,
And a day acceptable to the LORD?

Is not this the fast that I choose:
To loose the bonds of wickedness,
To undo the straps of the yoke,
To let the oppressed go free,
And to break every yoke?
Is it not to share your bread with the hungry
And bring the homeless poor into your house;
When you see the naked, to cover him,
And not to hide yourself from your own flesh?
Then shall your light break forth like the dawn,
And your healing shall spring up speedily;
Your righteousness shall go before you;
The glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.
Then you shall call, and the LORD will answer;
You shall cry, and he will say, ‘Here I am.’
If you take away the yoke from your midst,
The pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness,
If you pour yourself out for the hungry
And satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
Then shall your light rise in the darkness
And your gloom be as the noonday.
And the LORD will guide you continually
And satisfy your desire in scorched places
And make your bones strong;
And you shall be like a watered garden,
Like a spring of water,
Whose waters do not fail.
And your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt;
You shall raise up the foundations of many generations;
You shall be called the repairer of the breach,
The restorer of streets to dwell in.

If you turn back your foot from the Sabbath,
From doing your pleasure on my holy day,
And call the Sabbath a delight
And the holy day of the LORD honorable;
If you honor it, not going your own ways,
Or seeking your own pleasure, or talking idly;
Then you shall take delight in the LORD,
And I will make you ride on the heights of the earth;
I will feed you with the heritage of Jacob your father,
For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.

This Road

A million miles away from anything familiar,
A thousand places I would rather be,
So I choke back the tears & try to find the bright side
Though I find it hard to see beyond my suffering.

In my heart I know Your plan is so much bigger,
But this small part is all that I can see,
& I believe You haven't left me here to wander.
Still I can't help but ponder where You're leading me,

& I ask, why this road, why this way, & this load?
Tell me how far must I go 'til I see, 'til I know why
This road...

A million miles away from anything familiar,
What was it like to be so far from home?
& though You came in love, the world misunderstood You.
There must have been some days when You felt so alone,

But You endured 'cause there was joy before You,
Joy that came because You sacrificed,
Since You gave Yourself just to spend forever with me,
Surely I can trust You'll lead me through my darkest times,

When I ask, why this road, why this way, & this load?
Tell me how far must I go 'til I see, 'til I know why.
From here I cannot see why You choose this path for me,
But I don't have to understand to believe that You know why...

You know why this road, why this way, & this load;
You know how far I must go 'til I see, 'til I know why
This road...

("This Road" by Ginnie Owens)

Daddy Dedication & Death?

"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there will my servant be also. If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him." (John 12:24-26)

Just this past Sunday during worship, our church celebrated what many call a "baby dedication" for Jadon. Of course, most of us realized early on in planning that the dedication would be much more a commitment of Christian parenthood, a kind of "parent dedication." I'd been wanting to do this for over a year (Jadon's now 18 months old!), but for many reasons I kept putting it off. Finally, a few months ago I approached our church leadership about it, & we agreed on a date.

As I was trying to prepare something to share with the church, I found those last days before Sunday quite telling about the inner realities of my heart. God was showing me that the idols of my heart are not only the things I turn to (besides Himself) to fulfill my needs; oftentimes, my idols are my felt needs themselves...my own selfish expectations of life & my self-made ways of processing things to protect my way of life.

To God be the glory! He was showing me that these idols, too, needed to die. & in this death, there would be true life eternal!

And here is what I shared (edited for clarity):

Dear Brothers & Sisters of LWCF:

When I was asked to share a few words with you today as I was to make this commitment of Christian parenthood, I knew immediately that I wanted to come up here & encourage you to live by faith in the Gospel. I knew that it was the only thing worth talking about, & it was the only thing that has kept me alive – knowing that God loves me deeply & will accomplish His purposes in my life.

But strangely enough, as I finally bore down to put my thoughts into words, I realized that there are yet very deep, deep areas of my life in which I haven’t trusted in God’s goodness – deep areas in which I secretly despised the Gospel because it would mean that I would have to abandon my own pride & stop trusting in myself. Earlier this week as I wallowed in self-pity about how such a sinful person could come before his congregation in any worthwhile way (“Just what do I have to offer my church when my own private life is so screwed up???”), I realized that I wanted to share from a position of strength, from the perspective of one who had finally “pulled himself together” & could be a kind of self-made example to follow. I realized that even though on the outside I was planning to speak about “trusting in the Gospel,” in some ways inwardly I was still trusting in the false gospel of myself. Even worse, I was secretly hoping that people would look at me & think, “Oh, look at Sid & what a nice thing he’s doing for Jadon. He must be such a great father!”

So, in actuality I stand here as a very broken & very weak man. Bloody battles still often rage within me as to whom I will trust & love – the God who first loved me in Jesus, or other people or things? I am ashamed to say that I have too often still made wrong decisions, & chased after power, relationships, and pleasure to somehow salve my soul & “make things right” in my messy life. Too often I have worshiped these gifts rather than thankfully worshiped the supreme Giver of these gifts. Even my life’s spirituality – the gift of relating to God in prayer, Bible-reading, & fellowship with other believers – has often been turned into an idol as I smugly tried to put God into a box and make Him serve my own needs, in my own ways, according to my own time.

Ever since childhood I have heard the true saying: “Christianity isn’t a religion; it’s a relationship.” Indeed, Christianity is about relating with the living Jesus who loves us & saves us for Himself. But while I knew that following Him would necessarily involve suffering (Philippians 3:10), somehow I had the wrong idea that I would get to pick which kinds of suffering I would face. I felt that I had already chosen to prepare myself to face the pain of relative poverty, misunderstanding, and the uncertainty of living far away from loved ones, so when my life came upon unexpectedly painful & confusing circumstances, I rebelled – I thought “How could this be God’s plan?” & even worse, “If God would allow this, then this is not the kind of God I want to follow” – & of course in my sin I only brought more pain & confusion into my life. I had not realized that relating with God is not like relating with a lifeless recipe for self-fulfillment. My self-made God-in-a-box was not the God of the Bible, the One who spoke the universe into being, commands legions of angels, and uses everything – including the tumultuous weather, sinful governments, & even Satan-on-a-leash – to accomplish His very good purposes. I needed to let the real Jesus be the real Jesus – especially if I really call Him the Lord of my life – and let our relationship take on the unexpected turns of disappointment & joy, heartache & rest. I needed to let go of my self-centered expectations of God & submit to Him in His raw, immeasurable greatness.

He is the only truly trustworthy One anyway, right? As Pastor Ray reminded us last week, the things I tend to chase after – power, pleasure, & relationships (even if they are good gifts from God) – can never take care of my real needs anyway. They themselves can never cover my shame or nakedness in this world…only Christ can (Romans). The Gospel we are called to trust is not the gifts of God; the Gospel we are called to trust is GOD Himself! GOD IS THE GOSPEL!

So, for all my own unfaithfulness & rebellious thinking, there is good news: GOD is faithful! GOD is trustworthy! GOD has done EVERYTHING in His Son Jesus to save me for Himself!

One of the great things God has done for me is give me this church, to encourage me & challenge me according to the truth. Through these past few years, as I shared about stepping away from leadership in ministry, & later as I shared about Jadon’s coming, you have served as God’s ministers of grace. Each one of you has even helped to serve as "extra eyes" to keep close watch over Jadon. THANK YOU!

Even recently you helped me along in the way of truth & grace in God. Last week when I shared with Ki how I struggle with loneliness & despair when I say goodbye to Jadon, he reminded me with a challenge: “Is God enough?” Indeed, He is enough. Thank you, Ki.

Just a few days ago when I shared how I was wallowing in doubt of whether I could “bring myself to do this,” Gil encouraged me with a question that helped me to see just how wrong-headed I was at the time: He asked me, “In whom are you trusting as you make this vow?” He helped me to realize that if I was going to trust in myself to keep this vow, I would merely be setting up another self-made idol to be the object of pride, disappointment, or both. Thank you, Gil.

My prayer, then, is that God would be faithful in giving me the strength & wisdom to raise Jadon up according to His ways. There are no guarantees, of course, that Jadon will trust in God as a believer all his days, but it is my commitment today to guide him by word & example to know & trust in the God who made Himself known in Jesus, for the glory of God alone. I make this commitment before God & you, not because I will fulfill it flawlessly – I can’t & won’t – but because, as I make my many fatherly blunders, I trust that God will be faithful to bring me back into a truer, better knowledge of Him, & also that He will continue to use you, my brothers & sisters, to get me there.

Some books that have been quite helpful for me lately (interestingly, though they were recommended by different people they ended up dove-tailing one into the other):
When People Are Big and God Is Small by Edward T. Welch
Breaking the Idols of Your Heart by Dan B. Allender & Tremper Longman III

Want to see Jadon's latest photos?

If the slideshow doesn't work you may click here:
http://picasaweb.google.com/newsfromthewus/2007120820080207JadonFavorites1617monthsPublic
Below are some slightly older photos:
http://picasaweb.google.com/newsfromthewus/200710081207JadonFavorites1415monthsPublic
http://picasaweb.google.com/newsfromthewus/200708081007JadonFavorites1213months