Christmas respects from the Wus in strange specs!

Dearest Friends & Family:

In true "Sidney Wu fashion," this letter is finally being written in the wee hours of Christmas morning. (My apologies to those who looked earlier for this letter but couldn't find it!)

Another blur of a year has come & gone, so full of events that it's tough to know how to summarize them all in a way that makes sense! Here's my attempt anyway:

Evangelina, now 2 ½, is our rapidly growing bundle of expressive energy whom we liken to a little sponge. She takes in nearly EVERYTHING around her: words, food (she often out-eats Mommy!), funny facial expressions, people’s mannerisms, or the way people dress. With all she observes from others, she often has the rest of us in stitches with how she puts together her own singularly hilarious style. We wonder a little if her feistiness is by nature or by necessity as she is growing up with the boisterousness of an active older brother. We pray that she will use her gifts of observation & energy to bring joy & laughter to many in her lifetime.

Jadon, 7, constantly amazes us with what he is learning, & 2013 was a big year for him. In May he was baptized at our home church, and in spite of his underlying trust in God he has verbalized tough questions from his young heart & mind: “How do we know God is there?” “Why is it so hard to be loving?” “What happens after we die?” “I prayed for something but it didn’t happen, so why should I pray?” We are grateful for (& sobered by) his questions, & while we don’t have all the answers, we try to lead him to the God who does. We’re grateful Jadon has a heart to serve at church & cross-culturally (he joined a mission group to Mexico this year), as our prayer is that he will see his inquisitiveness & abilities as tools to seek & serve God throughout his life.

Our kids' growth & development would not be possible without the fulltime mothering JJ gives them, as she upkeeps the household on top of putting in fulltime hours with the work she does mostly from home. It is amazing to me how much she accomplishes in service to us in light of real limitations of time, health, & energy. When I asked her what she thought was her biggest accomplishment of 2013, she replied (after some thought), "Nothing." The kids & I know that without her sacrificial love, we would not have been able to achieve our own successes. We are grateful to know that she deeply enjoys helping our children succeed. May the Lord bless her for her sacrificial service.

2013 for me (Sid) was another year of the busy privilege of caring for patients in my hometown (Highland/San Bernardino). Somehow, the workload seemed busier than in past years, & I haven't yet concluded whether it was because of a change in my perspective (have my patients’ problems seemed to be more weighty?), change in expectations (from patients, colleagues, insurance companies?), or something else. In the spring I took & passed the Internal Medicine board recertification exam, which was tough amidst the busyness of work & home (it’d been years since I'd fallen asleep drooling on my books at the library!). Praise the Lord!

All in all as a family, 2013 was a year of learning. We are learning to love each other in our roles as children & parents. "Being a dad," a wise medical student once told me, "is the daily process of learning how to be less selfish." (It's been a tough lesson to learn, especially because I had no idea just how deep my selfishness runs!) Everything we try to teach them (whether games or school, how to wash dishes or how to love one another) is a challenge because we find we have to learn them better ourselves.

A huge thing we are learning as a family is what gifts we have in each other. This is difficult to see at times to be sure (terrible twos, anyone?). This is especially true when the combination of our busyness & limitations makes it easy to take each other for granted. When we remember how God rescued us & brought our family together, though, we are grateful to Him for each other.

We realize that our limitations have made us less available to meet or talk with many of you (even those close by) in ways we would otherwise love to do. Please do know that we have not forgotten you (some emails have taken us over a year to respond to as we wanted to respond with proper weightiness), that we care, & that we pray that some of our limitations would soon be lifted. We do welcome your contacts (especially as we do make an effort to pray for your concerns), but do also warn that sometimes there will be significant delay in our responses.

May your Christmas & New Year be full of joy & meaning in Christ!
Sidney for the Wus

"Behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.” (Luke 2:10, 11)


Jadon & Evangelina's silly sayings:
- Early in the year, when Daddy called Jadon to come ("lai" in Chinese) from across the house, he replied, "I am lai-ing!!"
- Another time, when Jadon & I were talking about Zimbabwe & its economic & health needs, Jadon excitedly said, “I know! When I get older I can go to Zimbabwe & be a doctor & only charge 50 cents a visit, & if they’re really, really poor I can give them $20 cash back!”
- In the summer, as I was putting the kids into the car, I buckled Evangelina in, & she spontaneously said, "Thank you." Jadon jokingly said, "Thank you" too, to which Evangelina abruptly retorted, "No! MY thank you!"
- Just recently, Evangelina bent over close to Jadon who was playing with his toys. Afraid she would mess up what he was trying to build, Jadon called out, "Stop Evangelina! Don't touch my stuff! Don't touch my stuff!" Indignant, Evangelina bopped Jadon's head & clarified, "No! I hug you!"... & proceeded to hug her brother.

Christmas letter 2012

Dear Friends & Family:


Yet another year comes to a close, & we feel in many ways that it has gone by so quickly. Quite frankly, 2012 was an extraordinarily tough year for our family, in large part because we heard a lot of sad news from many of you: severe downturns of health & even deaths of those close to us, as well as the heartache of broken relationships. For those still reeling from your losses, please know that we continue to mourn with you & pray that God’s comfort & deep joy would be yours in Christ.

Despite 2012’s passing by so quickly, it was still a very eventful year for us! And in spite of what seemed to be an underlying tone of grief, there were many great joys we experienced as well. Evangelina, now 20 months old, is our beautiful little parrot who’s begun to experiment putting 2 & 3 words together (eg: “I wanna sleep” or “I don’t want it”). Much her mother’s girl, she loves to dance (to any type of music), & often copies Mommy’s doings around the house: reading & “working” at her own little desk, & even mopping the floor on her knees with her own napkin. She continues to share a very special bond with big brother Jadon, with whom she has no problem asserting herself. We are grateful for how Evangelina’s antics (especially as she grows so rapidly before our eyes) give us a daily dose of laughs.

Jadon, now 6.5 years old, is also a little comedian in his own right, as you can imagine. This year he learned to devour books (we’re often at the library getting him more), & he has begun to have fun with puns & rhyming words. Last winter Jadon started playing organized basketball, & he continues to thrive at soccer. With mom teaching him, he continues to learn piano at a good pace, though when writing about it he often unknowingly spells it “paino” (which we chucklingly suspect might have something to do with his attitude toward practice sometimes). With nearly every breakfast, we take out his globe & talk about what God is doing in a specific country in the world. It is wonderful to watch him grasp things that I (Sid) didn’t understand until much later (eg: what a republic is, or how selfishness causes wars). We continue to pray that God will cultivate in Jadon a sense of service for our broken world’s many needs.

The biggest event in JJ’s life this year was taking on a full-time job after we prayerfully agreed it was good & right in spite of knowing it would not help us financially & instead would be a serious challenge to our family’s limited resources (with the hope that this “burning the candle at both ends” will be limited to a few short years). JJ is learning to juggle this new responsibility amidst caring for our two children, which she continues to do with deep, sacrificial love. She takes each of her obligations seriously, which leaves her precious little time to relax & forces her to put on hold many projects she still hopes to tackle one day. In spite of my (Sid’s) offers to take the family out or my feeble attempts at helping with housework, JJ still manages to bless us with her cooking, cleaning, & upkeeping of our household in top shape! Indeed, seeing each of us grow & thrive gives JJ great joy.

As for Sid, 2012 was another year of learning how to be a good father, husband, doctor, & church member amidst the real trials of life & in spite of very real shortcomings. At work, in addition to the usual patient care & instruction of medical students in his hometown of Highland, California, there were new responsibilities to learn (especially caring for group-home residents), a new computer system to wrestle with, as well as specialty board recertification processes to stay up-to-date with. Sid continues to find caring for his patients (minus the paperwork) very gratifying, & he & JJ continue to hope to bring our service overseas when the time is right. At home, one of Sid’s greatest challenges has been to follow the wisdom of author Tedd Tripp in raising our children with a grand vision of God that they can grow into, rather than “cutting God down” into bite-sized pieces they would soon outgrow.

Keeping life in its proper perspective has been particularly tough for us as parents in 2012 in light of all that’s on our plate. Still, something that has struck us in the last year or so serves as a continual reminder about the right priorities in life: our children have within them an incredibly deep, pressing, God-given yearning for us as their parents. Don’t get us wrong; we do NOT mean that our children are perpetually happy with us or that they like everything about us. We also do NOT mean that we’re ideal parents (we fail very often), or that our children are compliant & obedient all the time (they often are not). Further, we do NOT mean that their yearning for us looks the same at each stage of their lives. What we DO notice is that there seems to be a consistent yearning for us to praise their accomplishments, give them meaning in life, lead them in the right direction, & guard them with healthy boundaries. For instance, the pain of physical injury (from Evangelina’s minor bumps at home to Jadon’s running collisions with other kids on the soccer field) is so often subdued by simply realizing that Daddy or Mommy knows how they feel & cares deeply (which we show with a look, a kiss, or a hug).  One afternoon when Jadon & Sid were outside a few months ago, Sid offered Jadon more time to ride his bicycle while Sid finished up the yardwork. Jadon actually preferred to take in the trashcan, & loudly declared, “I wanna be wherever you are.” What a humbling thing for Daddy to hear!

Even when we need to discipline Jadon & Evangelina when they defy us, we can see in their eyes the desire for us to be pleased with them, to accept them fully as they are, to love them, & to be committed to their growth. We realize that their desire for us, while God-given, often is tainted with self-interest or is faulty in its intensity compared to other good desires (eg: for learning healthy independence, or for serving God); it is precisely because these desires are corrupted that our children sometimes throw tantrums or are disobedient in some way or another (eg: for our attention). Even when their desire for us is pure, we realize also that we often disappoint them; I (Sid) can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to ask Jadon’s or Evangelina’s forgiveness when I knew my harsh words clearly disheartened them.

The funniest thing about all of this is that we realize we are JUST LIKE our kids. Yes, we’re like them in part in our desire for our own physical parents, but more deeply so in our desire for our Heavenly Father. It turns out that our desire for our physical parents (in all its brokenness) seems to be a shadow of our deeper longings for God (Matthew 6:9; John 1:12-13; Romans 8:14-15). We, along with our children, most deeply yearn for our Heavenly Father’s pleasure, acceptance, love, & commitment to our growth. The wonderful thing about this desire is that when we trust on Jesus' life & death for us, we HAVE all of these in full: our Heavenly Father IS pleased with us (Romans 5:1), He DOES totally accept us (Colossians 1:21-22), He DOES deeply loves us (1 John 4:9-11), & He IS committed to our growth (John 3:3-6).

Indeed, we are learning a lot as parents, & we’re grateful for the laboratory of life called “family” that God has blessed us with, so that we can grow & learn lessons that we would never otherwise know.

As we celebrate Jesus’ birth at Christmastime, our prayer is that each of you would join us in learning to find our desires purified & fulfilled in our Heavenly Father. No matter what lies ahead, may He guide & strengthen each of you in the new year.

Love,

Evangelina, Jadon, JJ, & Sid

PS: We would love to hear how all of you are doing. Feel free to update us at any of our contact information, though (sorry!) our replies may take awhile!

PPS: Come back again; more photos to come!

Christmas letter 2011 (with apologies for its lateness!)

friend's birthday party

morning after delivery

brotherly love

aww...

first day of school

futbol!

at a wedding

Dear Friends & Family!

As we look back on 2011, the best word to describe it for us is a BLUR. It was a blur not simply because it was filled with many important events, but also because quite often we have been sorely sleep-deprived and extremely busy!

The biggest event of this year was the April birth of our second child Evangelina Joy at 6 pounds, 13 ounces & 19 ½ inches long. In fact, nearly every day is a new event with her, as she is a bright & happy baby who amazes us with how quickly she learns things. She loves laughing at her big brother’s antics (they share a very special bond), “talking” in her own way, & “standing” on her own for a few seconds when she gets the chance. Early on after delivery there was a months-long health scare, & we are grateful to God who heard many of your prayers & mercifully healed her. Evangelina Joy’s name means “the joy of God’s good news,” & she is truly a constant reminder of God’s kindness to us.

Jadon, 5, has had a big year of many “firsts.” Not only has he been learning for the first time to be a good big brother (he’s usually tender with Evangelina & can sometimes be growlingly protective of her toward others!), but 2011 also was his first year in elementary school. It’s been tough (for Daddy too!) learning the ropes of having an early schedule, but our little people-person has enjoyed getting to know his classmates at our local public school. This year for the first time he also got to play an organized sport (soccer), & through the efforts of Mommy & extended family, Jadon has also served our local church with music (voice & piano). We’re grateful for the many things he’s learning, but we’re most grateful for the way he continues to grow in his understanding of the Gospel & the needs of our broken world. Please join us in prayer that Jadon will use everything he learns to serve our very good God.

JJ, staying home this year amidst the pregnancy & caring for the kids, has been quite literally giving of herself for the good our family, especially seeing to the physical, mental, & spiritual well-being of the children. Much of their learning & abilities are directly a result of Mommy’s sacrificial love for them. Much a “big city gal” at heart, it’s been quite an adjustment living in the Inland Empire, but she enjoys our frequent get-aways for real Taiwanese food, especially shaved ice (a treat for me too!).

As for me (Sid), this year has been one most characterized by growing in the knowledge of what it means to be a husband & father of two. More times than I can remember, on the occasions Jadon has crawled into bed with Mommy & Daddy (with Evangelina in a side-car crib next to us), I have laid there in the still darkness & marveled at the great gift of being a family with JJ & the kids. We look forward to what the Lord has in store for our family, & we pray that what we are learning in our young marriage (sometimes making us unavailable for other real concerns around us) would serve as the bedrock of Christ’s holy love for future ministry.

We’re especially grateful for our local church body (Messiah Lutheran Church) which has welcomed our family, encouraged our service, & reminded us of the truth of God’s love. One thing that tickles us is seeing our more seasoned brothers & sisters live out God’s love for one another. One couple in particular comes to mind: John & Kathy, who celebrated 64 years of marriage this year. Early in the year during Sunday morning prayer-time, Kathy offered a prayer of thanks & praise for “our husbands who take care of us when we’re ill.” Later, after another Sunday worship service, when Kathy was talking to one of the ladies, I (Sid) overheard her saying, “I feel like I’m falling in love with that old man all over again.”

God is so, so good, isn’t He? We pray that His unfathomable & unwavering love would be yours in Christ Jesus this Christmas & through the new year.

With Love,
Evangelina, Jadon, JJ, & Sid

Out of the Grave to Learn About Love

With apologies for slowness of response to those who requested it, I am finally posting the story of my proposal of marriage to JJ from that happy April Saturday not long ago. I do hope you get a kick out of it like we do, as it’s part of our very own, very unique love story. But before I go back to that part of the story, I hope you don’t mind my sharing a few sentiments of what I’ve learned in the few short months since our wedding.

Of course I’ve learned a lot (after all, I’d never been married before!), & to be sure I yet have much to learn. Of all that I’ve learned, however, what strikes me most deeply is this: that I am just a little boy who knows nearly nothing about love.

Just to be clear, I have no regrets whatsoever about getting married, for in all it is my very happy privilege to live in union with my beautiful wife JJ. It’s just that in spite of my thirty-six-&-a-half years, countless books on the subject, & earnest learning from the wide experiences of friends, family, & patients around the world, I have found that there is far, far more to love than I ever imagined.

Before getting married, I had no idea just how much of life is encompassed in that word: love. In spite of all the good book knowledge & counseling accumulated over the years, I didn’t realize that love involves the willingness to adjust in such a wide breadth of life: my emotions, my habits, my preferences, my plans, my thinking, my spending, my interacting with others, down to every little never-before-examined assumption of life between waking & sleeping. In marriage, I’m learning that everything is on the table, as the good & proper transparency inherent to unity with one’s spouse leaves no area of life uncovered. In all things, love calls me to consider my wife’s needs & desires, & what is best for her.

Another aspect of love I had no clue about before marriage was its costs, the depth to which one must be willing to give oneself in love. It isn’t enough to know what it means to show love in a particular situation, but one must also be ready to do so freely! As for myself, I’m learning just how astonishingly selfish I am, that God must repeatedly overcome my heart’s stinginess so that I would actually consent to doing what is certainly good & right.

God is so, so faithful. He knows & mercifully provides exactly what I need each day: kind words of truth, tender touches from my wife, & lots & lots of life lessons. He loves me too much to leave me where I am, & is true to His promise to complete the good work He started in me (Philippians 1:6). I suppose these lessons shouldn’t be a surprise to me anyway, as Scripture speaks of my heart as being innately blind & self-deceiving (Jeremiah 17:9; Romans 3:10-18). What else but marriage – far more than even fatherhood – would bring these things to light as two lives are smashed together into one, when every nook & cranny of our lives are exposed, including the very parts I take special care to hide from others? Many times, I had read & heard in counseling that marriage would expose my inadequacies, but now as a married man I know this truth far more profoundly.

Love’s breadth & depth were not the only things I was clueless about in marriage. Even in the short months since our wedding, I have learned also of love’s joys like never before. Learning to give myself wholly to God’s plan for marriage (Genesis 2:24; Mark 10:7-9) has unveiled to me the very real & beautiful goodness of love as I’d never known. Even the seemingly mundane activities of my daily life give evidence of this: my gums & teeth have never been in better shape as I’ve learned to floss regularly, & our house has been transformed from a bachelor pad to a beautiful family home. Though our marriage has certainly not been endless smooth sailing, I have been challenged to grow in my perspective & understanding of people & life. Perhaps more than anything, I have begun to learn the freedom & inexplicable, abiding peace that comes with love: no matter what happens in this world, I know whom I’m committed to. Though I’m just beginning to learn it, there is so much joy in knowing the rightness of gentle stalwartness in loving JJ through thick & thin.

Such joy in marriage would not be possible, I’m learning, without the depth & breadth of commitment in accord with God’s love (Acts 20:35). Indeed, God reminds me that wherever I would foolishly choose to limit my commitment to this relationship, I would not only be hurtful to JJ but also intensely self-destructive as well (Ephesians 5:25-30). He tells me that I am to love JJ with total commitment as He has loved me, impossible even to attempt except that through His Spirit He generously provides His strength & wisdom (Philippians 4:13; James 1:5).

Our God has loved us with great depth, breadth, & joy, hasn’t He? Every night for the last two years I have been reading to Jadon from Sally Lloyd-Jones’ The Jesus Storybook Bible, which regularly reminds me that His love is a “Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love.” It’s a really good thing that His love is “Always and Forever,” for not only is it exactly the kind I need, but because it will take me just that long for me to learn it.

“Out of the Grave”

April 10, 2010

The Story of Sid’s Proposal to JJ

(as told by JJ, with interjections from Sid)

JJ: So Sid invited me over to do some gardening at his sister Ruth’s house as a surprise for her husband’s return. Sid wanted us to plant some flowers in the back yard. When I arrived, he said he wanted us to plant one flower for each of the years that we knew each other from 2004-2010, to symbolically give new meaning to our hard years.

Sid: Eric was returning from a year-long military tour of duty in Europe, so I’d bought some red & yellow Ranunculus flowers (Eric’s favorite color is red; JJ’s favorite is yellow) for us to plant at their place, where I used to live years ago.

JJ: We started to plant six flowers all in a row, with the boys all around us helping out.

Sid: Jadon was there, along with Eric & Ruthie’s kids: 6-year-old Nathan & 3-year-old Timothy.

JJ: When we were done, Sid said “Let’s count the flowers,” & we called out the years each flower symbolized: “2004, 2005, 2006…” And we were short one. We had miscounted & didn’t have one for 2010.

Sid: Of course, we hadn’t miscounted at all…

JJ: As I was lamenting on this, Sid said, “Don’t worry, we have more,” & went to get another plant from the car because he had gotten some for his house – our house – as well. As I was thinking about where we might plant the last flower, Sid said, “Let’s plant it over there,” & pointed to a corner by the fence behind the AC unit. I didn’t want to plant it there because the sprinklers wouldn’t reach it, but Sid said, “No, no, no. Trust me, it’ll get back there. It’ll be fine.” We argued about it a little, & then I said, “Let’s ask Ruth.”

Sid: Obviously, it was important that she dig the last hole in that particular spot, & I’d arranged for us to plant the flowers in a row pointing to that exact place, but NOOOOO, we had to argue about such issues as whether the spot could sustain a plant! ;)

JJ: Ruth came out & said “I don’t think so,” & I said “See? The sprinkler won’t reach the flower and it will die.”

Sid: Even though I’d told Ruthie that I wanted to marry JJ, I didn’t fill her in on what was going to happen that day aside from having a date with JJ while giving them something nice in their back yard. So all the time Ruthie was looking over the proposed digging spot, I was giving her the eyes that said “SAY YES! YOU BETTER TELL JJ YES, THAT THE PLACE IS JUST FINE TO PUT ANOTHER PLANT!” …It didn’t work.

JJ: But Sid said, “Let’s just try,” & he was adamant. So I said, “Fine.” He handed me the shovel, & I started digging while he watched. After a little while I finished digging a hole the same size as required for the other flowers, & said, “Sid, hand me the plant so I can put it in.” But he said “No, no, no. It has to be deeper.” I said, “What?! Why?” So he said, “Because the nursery said this plant needs a hole 2 feet deep & 2 feet wide.” I asked again, “Why?” & he replied “Because the roots need it.” I said, “The roots?!” And he handed me the shovel again & I started digging while he watched.

Sid: Of course, the nursery said no such thing about the Gardenia plant, but I wanted to be sure JJ dug deep enough. Also, I did try to look busy while watching JJ dig that hole.

JJ: After a long while, I finished digging a 2’ by 2’ hole & told him I was done as I handed him the shovel. But he said, “No, deeper.” I said, “What? Then you dig…” He said, “No, no, no. Keep digging.” So I kept digging a little wider & a little deeper while he watched.

Sid: During this time, I started to worry that I’d mistaken where I’d buried my special box. You see, I’d proposed to JJ at a bad time in 2005, & in 2007 when I felt things were going nowhere with JJ, I had put everything related to her into a plastic box, covered it with 3 plastic bags, sealed it with tape, & early one morning before daybreak buried it in Eric & Ruthie’s back yard in a kind of funeral of my dreams, right there in that very spot… so I thought!

JJ: Suddenly I hit what looked like a pipe, & said “It’s a pipe! I’m not digging anymore! I don’t want to break Ruth’s pipe. If I do she’ll never invite me here again!” Sid looked & said, “Oh, no it’s not a pipe,” & handed me the shovel saying, “Keep digging.” I said, “Yes it is a pipe!” & then returned the shovel to him & said, “YOU dig.”

Sid: What’s a guy gotta do to get a woman to dig up her own engagement rings?

JJ: So Sid started digging a little deeper & a little wider, & then said, “Hey JJ, come over here & look.” I thought that he might shove me into the hole when I bent over to look with my butt in the air, so I said, “No way! I’m not looking in there.” He said, “No, no, no! Come look!” & I said, “No! You’re going to shove me in… I know you!” So Sid bent down to look more closely & I shoved HIM in.

Sid: Of course, all the kids thought that this whole process was really funny.

JJ: After he got up, he said, “Let’s dig deeper.” When he dug a little more & hit something again, he said, “Come here & look.” He came out of a hole as deep as my knees, then handed me an ice pick.

Sid: Strangely, the only thing I kept that was connected to our romance was that ice pick. As a joke, JJ had asked me to find one for our first date in 2004 when I’d asked her how I should prepare for our time. I actually bought one & brought it along on that first date. Now, in 2010, I handed it over to JJ so she could use it to get us into another new phase of our relationship. And the way into that new phase was inside a buried box.

JJ: Sid said, “Hey, let’s take it out & look.” I said, “No way! What if it’s something that died there or a piece of dead human being?” He finally convinced me that it couldn’t be anything more than a dead cockroach, so as Sid watched, I used the ice pick & pulled out something that looked like a rotted lunchbox. As I put it down, I realized that it had “peed” all over me. I had stinky ooze all over my pants.

Sid: That was strange to me to see that the box was somehow half-filled with stinky water, since I thought I’d sealed it well. Somehow water had slowly seeped into the box & was slowly decomposing its contents. Still, in my happiness, I hardly thought about the smell.

JJ: Sid excitedly said, “Open it!! Open it!” & I said, “No, YOU open it!” Still thinking that something dead might be inside, I feared opening the box, but Sid finally convinced me that nothing would jump out & bite me. Meanwhile, all the kids were excitedly jumping up & down around us saying, “It’s treasure! It’s treasure! Open it! Open the treasure!!”

Sid: They were REALLY excited about what the treasure might be!

JJ: Not wanting to touch the rotten box with my hands, I broke the plastic around the “lunchbox” with the ice pick & opened it. Immediately I was hit with an odor worse than stinky poop, which made my eyes & nose tear up. As I was thinking it really must BE a dead animal, all the kids ran away screaming, “Ewww!!! It’s stinky treasure! It’s poo-poo!!!” I looked at the kids & wished I could run away too, but Sid said, “Look what’s inside.”

Sid: It REALLY smelled horrible at that point!

JJ: Controlling the urge to hit him on the head, I used the ice pick to fumble through the contents of the box. I grabbed what looked like a person’s soggy, rotting old socks & found that they contained bells that were equally rotting away.

Sid: When I prepared to propose to JJ in 2005, I knew that she didn’t want any diamonds, especially because we might end up living among the world’s poor. But I didn’t want to skimp on her ring, so after thinking about it I ended up getting her not just the ring for her finger, but also infinitely-renewable “rings” – handbells! Thankfully, I never buried the nice ones…

JJ: Then I looked & saw that there was a bunch of rotted papers. When I looked closely they had my writing on them. It suddenly dawned on me that these were the letters & printed-out emails that I had given Sid years ago. Curious, I looked around some more & saw a smaller box covered with white fuzz, & as I reached for it, the white fuzz scurried away. Tiny maggots! Ewww! Dreading what I would find inside, I opened the box, & found 2 shining rings untouched by all the rot. It started to dawn on me that these were the rings Sid had shown me back in 2005. I thought he’d thrown them away long ago! So as I crouched there in an amazed daze, Sid took the rings, removed my gardening gloves, kneeled & asked me to marry him. Filled with joy, I said “Yes.”

Sid: She wasn’t the only one overjoyed!

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Looking for something good to read? Check out these 3 books I'm working on:

1. Soul Survivor: How Thirteen Unlikely Mentors Helped My Faith Survive the Church by Philip Yancey. Pointed out to me by our church's book club, it is a very thoughtful, candid book which describes God's faithfulness to a man scarred by blatant evil (especially racism) in the church of his upbringing.

2. Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy. One of Yancey's "mentors," Tolstoy (1828-1910) was a Russian writer who himself struggled with the vast chasm between God's holy ideals & the reality of our broken world. I'm almost finished listening to this book, & through the story I am learning just how unsearchable & deep our hearts really are, full of competing passionate desires often unbeknownst to ourselves.

3. War of Words: Getting to the Heart of Your Communication Struggles by Paul David Tripp. I'm actually re-reading this one, & its biggest point to me is that healthy communication comes not from learning better technique but from submitting my heart to the One who made words & rescued my heart for His good purposes.

What a Lavish God We Serve!

“For nothing is impossible with God” (Luke 1:37).

The 31st chapter of the Bible’s Book of Proverbs describes a woman of noble character who is intelligent, strong, trustworthy, & diligently active toward the concerns of the family. The end of the chapter tells us the key to her praiseworthiness: rather than putting her trust in charm & beauty, this woman fears the Lord (v. 30).

Soon I am to marry such a Proverbs 31 woman! To be sure, she is far from perfect, & she herself frankly knows the many ways her mistakes have hurt others. All the same, she is uniquely capable, steadfast, loyal, & industrious in the care of her family. (Jadon’s health & well-being are a testament to his mother’s love for him.) Most importantly, this woman fears the Lord, & seeks to honor & wholly trust the One who lived & died for her.

I have heard the slogan, “If you want to find a Proverbs 31 woman, you have to be a Proverbs 1-30 man.” I recently started to read through the Book of Proverbs again, & quite quickly I was reminded that I am no such wise man, but rather a fool – just a selfish, impatient kid who constantly needs God’s loving discipline (3:11, 12). I have realized how my own rebelliousness too has often hurt many, especially those I am called to love most deeply.

God’s mercy & kindness have been so amazing to me as I think on how He has brought about what not long ago seemed utterly impossible. To say that He in the last few months “orchestrated” the reconciliation of Jadon’s mother & me (first to Himself & then to each other) describes the process well: from amidst a cacophony of confusion & pain came forth a beautiful melody, one made more beautiful by the otherwise stray tones reined into harmony with the Composer’s heart. It was God’s kindness which captivated Jadon’s mother into loving submission & transformed her into the Proverbs 31 woman that she is. It was God’s kindness which brought her to me when I least expected or deserved it. And it was God’s kindness which melted my heart to reconsider her whom I’d mournfully written off as incapable of change. God’s faithfulness to me endured even in spite of my own faithlessness.

Over the past several years, I have read the words of Pastor C. J. Mahaney many times: “Your greatest need is not a spouse. Your greatest need is to be delivered from the wrath of God – and that has already been accomplished for you through the death and resurrection of Christ. So why doubt that God will provide a much, much lesser need? Trust His sovereignty, trust His wisdom, trust His love.” Indeed, in His lavish love, God has been faithful to accomplish my greatest need already. Indeed, His sovereignty, wisdom, & love are unquestionably trustworthy. And in this very same sovereignty, wisdom, & love, He has chosen to provide now for my lesser need for a wife, & has done so again with the same reckless lavishness I don’t deserve: not only is she a Proverbs 31 woman, but to me she is charming & beautiful as well!

To think now that God has helped Jadon’s mother & me to this joyful, free, & genuine decision for union in marriage, to think that I will soon be holding her as my bride (MY BRIDE!!!), and to think that we will finally be giving our son the whole family we’d secretly hoped for from the very beginning, is truly, truly unfathomable.

How GREAT is our God!

“A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies... A woman who fears the LORD is to be praised” (Proverbs 31:10, 30).

You Are God Alone

Phillips Craig & Dean
"You Are God Alone"
From the album Let the Worshippers Arise
Label: Sparrow Records

You are not a god
Created by human hands.
You are not a god
Dependent on any mortal man.
You are not a god
In need of anything we can give.
By Your plan, that’s just the way it is.

(Chorus)
You are God alone;
From before time began
You were on Your throne.
You are God alone,
And right now
In the good times and bad,
You are on Your throne;
You are God alone.

You’re the only God
Whose power none can contend.
You’re the only God
Whose name and praise will never end.
You’re the only God
Who’s worthy of everything we can give.
You are God,
And that’s just the way it is.

(Repeat Chorus)

(Bridge)
Unchangeable,
Unshakable,
Unstoppable,
That’s what You are.

(Repeat Bridge
Repeat Chorus
Repeat Bridge Out)

What a wonderful song, to remind myself & others that the Lord of the Bible, revealed in Jesus Christ through the Holy Spirit, is God alone. Not myself, not my family, not my supervisors, not any romantic interests, & not even my son. This song has ministered to me many times in the last few years, & I've sung it countless times for Jadon, starting before he was born when I recorded it on tapes I sent to his mommy, & I just sang it to him by phone after a very difficult transition to his mommy's care (the difficulty happens sometimes when he comes to my care too). May the Lord help all of us...

Christmas letter 2009 (just a bit late)

“Ascribe to the LORD the glory due his name;
Worship the LORD in the splendor of his holiness” (Psalm 29:2).

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Merry (belated) Christmas, Dear Friends & Family!

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How are you? As we’ve just begun the new year, I have already heard heart-breaking news from some of you of tragic turns of health & broken relationships. Some of you have shared news of over-brimming joy: the wonder of new life brought into the world & the regeneration of selfish dead souls into hearts of service.

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2009 was a year of both ups & downs for me. On my 35th birthday, I ran my 3rd marathon in record time (for me anyway), & then a few months later I raced in my first Olympic triathlon, both completed faster than my goal-times. My medical practice with LLU in my hometown of Highland, California thrives in service to young & old. Jadon, now 3 ½ years old, has grown immensely in his physical abilities & happy inquisitiveness, & is a little comedian in his own right.

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All of these things have been gracious gifts to me, impossible without God’s mercy & kindness in giving me health & the encouraging support of loved ones such as yourselves. (Thank you!)

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Last year had its challenges as well. While thankfully my job is secure, finances were tight at times, part of the ripple-effect of overspending for a house a few years earlier. Even more difficult were 2009’s painful upheavals in various relationships that at times left me feeling thoroughly disoriented, upheavals that were in part due to my own selfishness & shortsightedness. (For those to whom I’ve apologized, thank you for your patience with me.)

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As I look upon these hard issues, especially in the context of all the events of the year, I am compelled to note that the threads running through these “downs” are the same threads of God’s kindness & mercy which ran through the “ups” of the year: while I’ve had to scale back on personal expenses, I’ve yet had the mercy of being able to pay for the comfortable house which has also been a blessing to others who have come to visit & stay, & also support people & ministries in need. It is God’s kindness & mercy which have sustained me through lonely times – even when I least felt I wanted His kindness, & it is His kindness & mercy which have also opened my eyes to see where I have mistakenly trusted in myself or the ability of certain relationships to bring comfort or meaning to my life. To be frank, these issues continue to be a challenge for me.

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One of the ways God has kindly & mercifully opened my eyes to where my life has gone astray is one I hadn’t expected: Jadon. In spite of his sneaky disobedience & tightfisted tantrums at times in the past year, God has used him to teach me an important lesson. Ever since he learned to talk Jadon has expressed his inquisitiveness in his constantly asking “Why?,” & it is an eager curiosity I have encouraged. “Why does the balloon go up?” “Why can’t I have candy right now?” “Why did the field catch fire?” “Why did you burp Daddy?” He would ask so many questions every day that it made me wonder why the inquisitiveness characteristic of children his age ever ends. (Is it parental impatience telling them to “be quiet”? Is it unsatisfying answers like “Because I said so” or “Because that’s just the way it is”? Is it boredom… or laziness?) I began to ask myself: why is it that most of us – outside of theologians & scientists – stop asking these questions aloud with the sincere resolve of a toddler?

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As I would answer Jadon’s questions (& most often evoke more), I found myself going to God with the same questions so as to give Jadon the best answers I could find from God’s revelation in science & His word. As long as Jadon’s pursuit of “why” persisted & even if I didn’t have the most precise answers at hand, the string of questions would invariably conclude with the answers “for God’s glory… so everyone will know how GREAT He is… because He really is that GREAT!” Below is an example of one such conversation I recorded from before Jadon turned 3:

Jadon (as I was hanging up the phone): Daddy, who were you talking to?
Daddy: I was talking to the [hospital] operator.
Jadon: Why?
D: Daddy's on call, & I wanted to see if anyone tried to call me.
J: Why?
D: Daddy's pager's not working right.
J: Why?
D: The battery's running out.
J: Why?
D: There are no more electrons to travel to the other side.
J: Why?
D: That's all the charge the battery had.
J: Why?
D: There's only so much charge each battery can hold.
J: Why?
D: That's the way they designed it.
J: Why?
D: The engineers are smart.
J: Why?
D: God helped them to be smart.
J: Why?
D: For His glory… (Jadon chimes in here.) So everyone will know how GREAT He is!

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Now I don’t pretend to know everything (Jadon does see Daddy has to think & look things up), & I realize that in time God reveals more details of His wondrously intricate creation through continued scientific research (such as why electrons have a certain amount of charge or even why certain people like engineers are so intelligent), but even those new explanations just uncover how much more we yet don’t know, & how much the entire universe depends on God for its order & existence. As God’s child, I shouldn’t be surprised by this of course, for His word tells me “by [Jesus Christ, who is God,] all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together” (Colossians 1:16-17; cf. Romans 1:35-36 & Hebrews 1:2-3).

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At times I too have had my own “why” questions, often asked with selfish apathy when I face hard things: “Why is this happening to me?” Too often I have stopped there without lifting my questions to the next level. But God’s kindness & mercy eventually prevail, & I’m reminded of my own heart’s desire for Jadon – for him to know he is deeply loved, & part of a kingdom which revolves around Someone far greater than he. God moves my heart also to ask the deeper “why” questions, & thus look up to the causes greater than myself: encouraging others in the truth, learning patience & love for others when life is hard, understanding the real destructiveness of sin, & becoming more like Christ in a very broken world… all to His eternal praise. God’s Spirit gently reminds me that hardships shouldn’t surprise me as a Christ follower (1 Peter 4:12-13), especially when the greatest good ever (the bringing in of God’s glorious kingdom) has been & is being accomplished through the worst hardship of all time (Christ’s bearing the full weight of our sin at the cross).

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Dear friends & family, I do hope you are well in all regards. I am so happy for your joys, & also grieve for your sorrows. But whatever ups or downs you face, my prayer for you in this new year is that you would join me in learning this lesson from Jadon & other kids his age: to keep asking the hard questions of life, to look to God for the answers, & to gratefully trust Him in His powerful, wise, & loving ways.

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To God’s Glory (Jadon says it “Glowy”),
Sid

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“And [Jesus] said: ‘I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven’” (Matthew 18:3).

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Looking for a good book? Not done with these yet but they've been good so far: Total Church by Tim Chester & Steve Timmis, War of Words: Getting to the Heart of Your Communication Struggles by Paul Tripp.

Daddy's favorite photos 2009.04.08-08.07

"Streams in the Desert" (July 29 entry) by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman

If we could see beyond today

As God can see;

If all the clouds should roll away,

The shadows flee;

O'er present griefs we would not fret.

Each sorrow we would soon forget,

For many joys are waiting yet

For you and me.

If we could know beyond today

As God doth know,

Why dearest treasures pass away

And tears must flow;

And why the darkness leads to light,

Why dreary paths will soon grow bright;

Some day life's wrongs will be made right,

Faith tells us so.

"If we could see, if we could know,"

We often say,

But God in love a veil doth throw

Across our way;

We cannot see what lies before,

And so we cling to Him the more,

He leads us till this life is o'er

Trust and obey.

Though it'd been sitting on my shelf for years, I didn't begin to read the book Streams in the Desert until it was commended to me by a lady I met in a nursing home. I had met her many months earlier, & each time I saw her she was constantly tending to the needs of her husband who was a resident there receiving rehabilitation due to a severe stroke that left him half-paralyzed & mostly unable to speak.

As I read the book according to its dated entry for each day of the year, I think of the old couple in the nursing home at times, & feel a sense of solidarity with them as we each face quite difficult struggles of life. Recently as I was speaking to another sister-in-Christ who is my patient about some of her painful problems, she quoted to me what she was learning from Streams in the Desert, which she was reading in Arabic (the classic book, originally published in 1925, has been translated into many languages). There was a joyful moment of expanded solidarity that day in my clinic as we briefly shared how much God has been using this book to minister to our needs.

It is humbling to know I am part of this great organism called the Church, & that God uses us -- old & young, of widely varied cultures -- to minister to one another in His name.

Daddy's favorite photos 2008.11.08-2009.04.07

Learning with Jonah

Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God's way of making us right with himself depends on faith. I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead! (Philippians 3:7-11)

A few months ago, our church started to go through a study on suffering based on Joni Eareckson Tada & Steve Estes' book When God Weeps. It has been an eye-opening experience for us to learn from God's Word His attitude toward suffering. One thing we've learned is that He has incredible tenderness & compassion toward those bearing suffering's heavy weight, & that He undertakes great pains to relieve suffering, & calls His church to follow Him in relieving suffering around the world.

In our last session a few weeks ago, we discovered together something new: that God not only allows suffering, but even ordains it in the lives of His children for our good. I have to admit: it was a tough sell for most of us as we contemplated God's using suffering – especially all the suffering we face as the direct result of great evil in & around us – for our benefit. As we explored God's Word, we made a list of these benefits. Suffering…
- helps us appreciate life's graces more,
- makes us more sensitive toward the reality of sin's destructiveness,
- increases our compassion & helps us empathize with others who suffer
- tests our faith, proves its authenticity, & increases it,
- helps us realize our inadequacy, that God is our only hope, specifically through the Cross, &
- allows us to know Christ more intimately.

Regarding the last, most important point, our study called us to meditate on Philippians 3:7-11 (above), which describes the apostle Paul's overarching aim in life – to know Jesus Christ more deeply & fully by any means possible. As I read the passage (one I'd read countless times before), I couldn't help but want to change some of the words (especially verse 10) to suit my own life:
"I want to know Christ, to experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to glory with him, sharing in his victories, to enjoy the admiration of many, to live a smooth & comfortable life, to have a loving family which understands & respects me, to work to help others without ever being misunderstood or overstressed or underappreciated."

It's obvious from comparing the real passage with my own sacrilegious version why it was so difficult for me to accept God's Word as it was: I am profoundly selfish, & I often only want to "know" God on my own terms. The problem, I was finding again, is that when I seek to know God on my own terms, I am not actually seeking to know God at all. To know the Creator truly is possible only on His terms, by His revelation.

This truth hit me again last week when I was continuing my own slow read-through-the-Bible campaign and hit the book of Jonah, a Hebrew prophet during the reign of Israel's King Jeroboam II. I thought I knew this book well, not simply since Jonah lived to tell the tale of being swallowed by a great sea creature, but also because I liked to deride Jonah for being the "worst missionary ever."

When I was preparing for long-term missionary service, I met a lot of missionaries, & read about the lives of many missionaries. Many were faithful, humble, resourceful people who served Christ & His kingdom in ways I wanted to emulate. Some served & shared the Gospel faithfully for decades without much visible fruit for their efforts. Many I read about faced isolation and disease, or even the tragedies of the death of beloved spouses & children. Many missionaries themselves died in service to Jesus.

My reading of Jonah began much like the other times I'd read it. Inside my head echoed the unspoken thoughts, "Here's the prophet whose simple message would bring many in the great city of Nineveh to humble repentance before the Lord, so does he happily share this message? NOPE! Because Jonah knows just how great God's LOVE & MERCY are, he takes off by land & sea in the OTHER direction & puts the lives of others on the boat in peril. When God sends a big fish to rescue him from drowning, Jonah SEEMS to repent, but when he finally obeys in calling God's judgment on Nineveh, & they respond with widespread humble repentance, he has the GALL to become angry at God's mercy!"

I always imagined that Jonah either barely whispered his message under his breath, "Yet forty days, and Nineveh shall be overthrown!" (Jonah 3:4), or else hissed it out with such vicious self-righteousness that most people would just hiss back with equal hate. Yet God still used Jonah's reluctant declaration to move many in Nineveh to humble grief, and He gave Jonah the grace of seeing that positive response as the Ninevites were spared. Though in some ways Jonah seems to have been "the best missionary ever" (in terms of outward fruit for the amount of effort he put in), in my mind he was also the "worst missionary ever" in that he had the worst heart about it all, & cared little for the God he served.

But in light of what I was learning from Philippians 3, I began to see that I too am often just like Jonah. Having gone to church all my life, I had sung with fervor the words "Nearer my God to Thee" & "I want to know You more" countless times. I heard many sermons describing how God yearns for us to know Him, & how we are to have a reciprocal yearning. But I was discovering that so often, when the Creator of the universe makes His character clear to me when he calls me to…
- consider others more important than myself (Philippians 2:3),
- love Him above all others, with all my being (Deuteronomy 6:5),
- confess my secret sins to my brothers (James 5:16),
- forgive others as I've been forgiven (Luke 6:37),
- trust Him in taking serious steps to avoid lustful thoughts (Matthew 18:9), or
- be quick to listen, slow to speak, & slow to become angry (James 1:19),
I dismiss His Word as out-of-date or out-of-touch with reality with such silly questions as "Don't you know what I'm going through?" "Can't I indulge myself just a little bit?" "Don't you know what they did to me?" Worse yet, at times I wouldn't put up a fight but simply ignored God's Word. My walking away from God at the very time He was revealing Himself to me showed that I, like Jonah, also often mistrust God's wisdom, His power, & His love.

Perhaps I'd been too hard on Jonah after all, anyway. Sure, he had squandered perhaps the clearest opportunity in the Old Testament to shine forth as Abraham's seed as a blessing to all the nations (Genesis 12:3). Sure, he got to hear God's specific words of calling on his life (while we're "stuck" with reading God's words, though in no less clear a fashion), but perhaps in his prophetic role he saw things that weren't recorded for us to know. Perhaps he saw the future of Assyrian (of which Nineveh was capital) control over Israel. He likely knew their reputation for cruel domination, & how they viciously decimated whole cultures by murdering & kidnapping their foes. Perhaps he saw how his very own descendants would suffer at the hands of evil Assyrian men. Perhaps his mistrust of God, though clearly unjustified, was rooted in the faulty interpretation of very real pain.

And suddenly, I'm reminded of my own faithlessness when face-to-face with the One true God, the God of His Word (& not of my own self-centered version of it). My own mistrust, like Jonah's, also comes out of a self-centered interpretation of my own pain: I'm confused about my life's next steps, I have deep longings for things that continually elude my grasp, I perpetually face things I wish I didn't have to face. Rarely put to words, in my heart I often ask the self-centered questions: "Do You even know what I'm facing God? Will my suffering ever end? Is there any point in all my pain?"

And just as God was gracious enough with Jonah not to leave him in his sin, God is unswervingly gracious with me, & He pursues me even when I flee from Him. He gives me His wondrously God-centered answers to my self-centered questions. He shows me that yes, He does know the suffering I face, but that I face them for the very reason that He loves me (Psalm 34:17,18; Romans 8:17). He shows me that yes, my suffering will end, but in His perfect time according to His immeasurable wisdom (2 Corinthians 12:7-10; Revelation 21:4). He shows me that yes indeed, there is deep meaning in what I face, for there are unnoticed people around me, along with the angels & demons, who are watching & marveling at the fruit of God's faithfulness even to sinners like me (1 Corinthians 1:27-31; Ephesians 3:10). The greatest meaning of my suffering – as well as that of Jonah & others in the world – is in Jesus, the Prophet who was perfectly faithful, obedient, and successful in bringing blessing to the nations. And He brought this blessing to us exactly because He had chosen to bear the heaviest, most unjust, most heinous suffering of all, in bearing our sins at the Cross (Hebrews 5:10; 12:2).

The greatest blessing of all, I am learning, is not the wonderful grace that our suffering will one day end, but that through our suffering we will know the Giver of grace more completely as He is.

This is a trustworthy saying:
If we die with him,

we will also live with him.

If we endure hardship,

we will reign with him.

If we deny him,

he will deny us.

If we are unfaithful,

he remains faithful,

for he cannot deny who he is.

(2 Timothy 2:11, 12)

Daddy's favorite photos of Jadon 8/8/2008 - 11/7/2008

有益的悲傷!

“ 深 哉 ， 神 豐 富 的 智 慧 和 知 識 ！ 他 的 判 斷 何 其 難 測 ！ 他 的 蹤 跡 何 其 難 尋 ！ 誰 知 道 主 的 心 ？ 誰 作 過 他 的 謀 士 呢 ？ 誰 是 先 給 了 他 ， 使 他 後 來 償 還 呢 ？ 因 為 萬 有 都 是 本 於 他 ， 倚 靠 他 ， 歸 於 他 。 願 榮 耀 歸 給 他 ， 直 到 永 遠 。 阿 們 ！”
（羅馬書11：33-36）

“庫德勒-羅斯，”我自己想著 “庫德勒-羅斯的悲傷五階段。”

幾個月前，當9歲的Jennifer來就診時，這個想法在我腦中突然出現。她有嚴重的痙攣性大腦麻痹，這是一種在出生初期的某種悲劇導致的永久性神經肌肉疾病，而這只是她眾多病癥中的一項。她的祖母帶她來做年度的檢查。他的祖母是一位非常屬靈的女士，一位主內的姐妹，她不斷講述著自己飆升的盼望，Jennifer會很快像其他她年紀的孩子一樣行走，說話。當然，現代醫學救了Jennifer的命，也使她的病情相對的穩定，但是在9年中都不能讓她行走講話，而是相差甚遠。Jennifer坐在她的輪椅里，流著口水，痙攣著，不能溝通，除了她的微笑。

“祖母只是在否定事實”我繼續自己想著“她難道不知道在地上的日子里Jennifer將永遠不能行走？難道沒有人告訴過她Jennifer病情的診斷結果？”事实很可能是很多醫生歷年來都曾告訴祖母Jennifer病情的嚴重性，但是祖母還是不能接受。我擔心是因為有時家人不切實際的盼望會導致他們最終做出的決定使得病人不能接受完整的治療。有時候，家人（或者病人本人）會拒絕接受安全有效，上帝給予的治療，因為他們在“等待”上帝的奇妙醫治。有時候，他們忽略了信仰基督不能避免的疾病與苦難的嚴酷真相。

不過，祖母的悲痛是可以理解的。她應該對她的孫子孫女有很多沒有說出的夢想和希望：他們可以跑來跑去，與她閑聊他們的每天發生的事。但對于Jennifer，這一切的希望卻沒有依托 – 是死的。而任何有價值的東西死亡，都會引發悲傷。

當我那天與Jennifer坐在診所里，最值得注意的并不是單純的因為我發現祖母所處否定事實的階段同心理學家庫德勒-羅斯描述的悲傷五階段相符。而是一種更加深刻尖銳的領悟：我也一直在為自己逝去的夢想悲哀。

那天，在我最隱秘的意念里，我漸漸了解到在過去的3年中，我一直在為自己已消失的夢想和盼望悲哀。我也曾難以了解我所處的真實情況，我失去的美好婚姻和與Jadon和他的母親組織完整家庭的夢想。

庫德勒-羅斯描述了悲傷的五個階段，它們大致依次發生，但也常來回反復。我心中開始浮現了一個對照表。。。

那一天，我立即明白了我在過去的幾年里一直處在庫德勒-羅斯所描述的否認階段。活在自己的世界，我常常拒絕看到聽到我自己和其他人生命里重大的道德缺陷，这导致我的梦想成为一个空想。我忽視了很多親近的朋友和家人要我結束一段沒有結果的感情的請求。种种的问题導致任何公開誠實的感情不可能實現，即使不太了解我的人都可以指出这一切。但是我總是輕視這些建議，“啊哟，你們是不了解。如果你們知道。。。那你們就會知道你們錯了”我會用愚蠢的借口來解釋別人看來單純而簡單的事。更糟的是，我有時甚至忽略事實，希望已經變成人生中痛苦模式的一切以某種方式。。。只是可能。。。最終消逝而回到原先的童話的結局。即使我试着活在自己的世界，最终还是不能如愿。

那庫德勒-羅斯所描述的憤怒階段呢? 的確，這也是我情緒化的人生的一部分。有時我會非常憤怒，我擁有完整快樂家庭的希望破滅了，雖然為此我傾注了我的所有。我為自己做出的非常錯誤有害的決定憤怒，有時我甚至為自己忽略種種顯示我的希望沒有建立在正確的基礎上的跡象而憤怒。我也對Jadon的母親感到憤怒，包括她不能達到我的期望。更可怕的是，我對神感到憤怒。雖然我有時會向他陳述，但不幸的，大多時候，我對神的憤怒并沒有陳述出來，我的憤怒通過其他的渠道。。。包括一度無視神的存在。這些罪導致了種種憤怒的想法（如果我必須用語言表達）“你難道不應該是慈愛的神嗎？慈愛的神怎么會允許這種事發生？你難道不是承諾了要在我生命里成就好事嗎？你難道沒有看到發生了什么事嗎？你為什么不做些什么？你到底在乎嗎？你知道嗎？你當上帝真是糟透了！你已經不值得我跟隨了！你甚至不知道如何給你的孩子提供一個基本的，充滿愛的家。”顯然，我經歷了憤怒。

我已經忘記了庫德勒-羅斯悲傷五階段中的幾個。我的護士提醒我下個階段是討價還價。那天晚些的時候，我繼續思考，我必須承認我也常常處在這個階段。不愿接受作為婚姻基石的信任的不存在，我常與Jadon的母親爭論我們之間是有某些希望的，這最終使得我們之間的希望更加渺茫。我不曾領悟愛是自由給予的，而不是討價還價來的。當然，我也試著跟神討價還價。雖然我沒有用語言表達，但我顯然試著用自己對令人失望的環境的反應與神討價還價。如果用語言表達，應該是類似：“好吧，上帝，我只是想要一個愛我的太太。如果我現在開始好好表現，用更新的嚴格要求奉獻，你會實現我的請求嗎？我在我的教會服侍，向別人宣揚你。。。這些還不足以讓你給Jadon一個完整的家嗎？”這種被錯誤引導的法定主義不但沒有意義，更重要的是沒有考慮到神的全然掌權。他不會被任何人的框框所限制，不論你多努力的討價還價。

之后我在百科全書中查詢了庫德勒-羅斯才想到悲傷的下一個階段是憂郁。最開始，我認為沮喪是我略過的一個階段（看吧，我又在否認了），也許作為一個醫生，我從臨床診斷的角度來看待憂郁，它要符合嚴格的診斷標準。我思考，“我回到沒有Jadon的家，到處都是他的東西 – 他空著的高腳椅，他空著的床，他空著的要木馬，我當然會難過。當然，我有時會沮喪當我想起我那么多的朋友都有快樂的婚姻。但是憂郁癥？我？不可能！”這是我最初的反對，但是，很快我就認識到我也經歷了這個階段 – 而且相當長，通常跟其它的階段一起，在它們之間反復的時候。除了憂郁，還有什么原因使一個外向的人經常幾天與人隔絕？有什么原因使我浪費幾個小時心不在焉的看電視，上網，尋找任何可以讓我忘記痛苦現實的東西？有什么原因讓我晚上失眠，早晨焦躁不安？有時我會覺得完全疲倦到不想再活下去。我怎么能否認憂郁是我近來生活中的一部分？

那庫德勒-羅斯悲傷的最终階段接受呢？我不知道。我想我曾短暫的處在這個階段，但很快回到較低的，較不健康的悲傷的階段。有時我覺得我了解了事實，甚至掌握了它一切的重擔：Jadon的母親和我沒有考慮婚姻的可能。除非有奇跡的改變，Jadon會在不完整的家庭長大。我擁有完整家庭的希望和夢想已真的破灭了。我想知道我最近幾天的想法是不是我終于接受了夢想破灭事實的征兆。

是什么讓我可以掌握了如此沉重的事實，接受了這曾經甚至連考慮都困難的一切？是什么讓我在人生的重大失意的重擔下可以抬起頭，向前看，挺起肩膀？

除了耶穌我沒有其他东西可以相信。

雖然庫德勒-羅斯描述悲傷的階段真實而深刻，她沒有給予悲傷解答，沒有提供合神心意的接受艱難处境的方式。雖然庫德勒-羅斯描述悲傷五階段有所幫助，但那些不是福音！

* 只有福音，主耶穌為我死里復活的福音，让我的眼睛可以看到罪的嚴酷事實（我的與別人的）和它丑陋的后果。（你可以在圣經里讀到：耶利米書17章9節，羅馬書3章10-18節）。
* 只有福音告訴我不止我華麗完整家庭的夢想破灭了，這夢想本身是我生命中需要消除的偶像。我將我未來家庭的夢想擺在神之上（從我通過用不合神心意的方式去取得它，到我在得不到它时的反叛都可以看到）的本身就是種可憎的罪（路加福音14章26-33節；以賽亞書55章1-7節）。
* 只有福音告訴我神的愛致使一切惡的事 – 甚至是我自己的罪帶來的后果 – 都可以成為對我對別人有益的（希伯來書12章：5-11節；羅馬書8章28節）。

* 耶穌比任何人都了解孤獨和被離棄，被奚落侮辱，被誤解。他自己也充分的經歷了悲傷(以賽亞書53章3節；希伯來書4章15-16節）。
* 耶穌比任何人都了解孤獨和被離棄，被奚落侮辱，被誤解。他自己也充分的經歷了悲傷（以賽亞書53章4節，腓力比書4章13節，以賽亞書62章5節）。

耶穌對我如此的仁慈。他讓我看到我的過錯 – 錯的如此離譜，還給了我改變的力量。他的話語承諾了他會用我生命中的一切苦難傷害將我變得更像他（羅馬書8章29節，腓力比書1章6節）。通過他，我可以在罪發生時尋求饒恕也饒恕他人（馬太福音18章21-35節）。透過他我知道我已經擁有一個愛我的家，教會，我可以在這里養育Jadon（哥林多前書12章12-27節；以弗所書2章19節）。透過他，我學習著愛Jadon和他的母親，有智慧的，沒有不合神的心意的死去的愿望與夢想的。

當我開始比較一貫的接受我自私的愿望和夢想破灭的時候，我意識到在永恒的這一端，孤獨迷茫的痛苦是不會完全消失的。然而它的另一端，更長的（長到永恒的）另一端终會來臨的。在那里，我們所有從神來的愿望和夢想，我們心中最深的期盼，都會最終完全的成就。在那里，我們會得到完全的平安與喜樂 – 不僅僅是我們的心靈也有我們的肉體。在耶穌里，這是我們確實的盼望，而我也盼望那個時刻的到來。小Jennifer會從大腦性麻痹中解脫，她也會在那里，和她的祖母一起歌唱跳舞。同我們的救主一起，我們會最終了解為什么我們現在要面對這一切的苦難與疾病。當我們聽到神就著我們的苦難，為我們和我們的后代成就了多少益事，我們大概會張大了嘴。當我們看到他莫大的美好，我們大概會不住感謝他將我們作為他完美計劃中的一部分，無論我們經歷了多少苦難。因為我們知道我們神这么的美好，我們會最終了解我們的悲傷是有益的。是有益的，有益的。。。悲傷！

“ 我 又 看 見 一 個 新 天 新 地 ； 因 為 先 前 的 天 地 已 經 過 去 了 ， 海 也 不 再 有 了 。 。。看 哪 ， 神 的 帳 幕 在 人 間 。 他 要 與 人 同 住 ， 他 們 要 作 他 的 子 民 。 神 要 親 自 與 他 們 同 在 ， 作 他 們 的 神 。 神 要 擦 去 他 們 一 切 的 眼 淚 ； 不 再 有 死 亡 ， 也 不 再 有 悲 哀 、 哭 號 、 疼 痛 ， 因 為 以 前 的 事 都 過 去 了 。”
(啟示錄21章1，3，4節)

文中使用化名以保護病人的隱私。

如果你在找好的書，或是想更深入的閱讀我剛剛開始學習的東西，可以看一下Joni Eareckson Tada和Steve Estes的當上帝在哭泣。其實我已經看了四五遍了（東西要很久才可以進入我固執的腦袋）。。。

(this entry is simply a Chinese translation of the English 9/21/2008 entry)

Good, Good Grief!

"Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!
'For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor?'
'Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?'
For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen." (Romans 11:33-36)

“Kubler-Ross,” I thought to myself. “Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief.”

It was a few months ago when these seemingly random thoughts came to my mind during an office visit for 9-year-old Jennifer*, a patient with severe spastic quadriplegic cerebral palsy, a permanent neuromuscular disorder caused by some tragic events around birth, & only one of her many medical problems. Her grandmother had brought her in for an annual check-up. A deeply religious woman & sister-in-Christ, Grandma kept speaking with soaring hope about how Jennifer was soon going to walk & talk like other children her age. Certainly modern medicine had saved Jennifer’s life & brought a measure of stability to her body’s diseases, but in 9 years it had not helped her to walk or talk, or even come close. There in her wheelchair Jennifer sat: drooling, spastic, & uncommunicative, save for her smile.

“Grandma’s in denial,” I continued to think to myself. “Doesn’t she know that Jennifer will never be able to walk this side of eternity? Hasn’t anybody ever told her the prognosis of Jennifer’s case?” The truth is that probably many doctors over the years had told Grandma about the stark reality of Jennifer’s condition, & Grandma had yet to take it in. I was concerned because sometimes families’ unrealistic hopes can lead them to make decisions which ultimately keep the patient from receiving the full benefits of medical care. At times, families (or patients themselves) have refused safe & effective God-given therapies because they were “holding out” for God’s miraculous healing. Sometimes these people fail to see that faith in Christ doesn’t preclude accepting the stark, often grim realities of disease & suffering.

It was understandable, though, that Grandma would be grieving. She probably had many unspoken dreams & hopes for her grandchildren: that they’d be running around & chattering away with her about their days’ events. With Jennifer, these dreams & hopes had no substance – they were dead… and death, of anything worthwhile, rightly gives way to grief.

As I sat there in clinic with Jennifer that day, the remarkable thing wasn’t simply that I’d noted that Grandma’s state of denial was in line with what psychiatrist Kubler-Ross described as the stages of grief. There was a deeper, more poignant realization at hand: I too have been grieving the death of my own dreams.

In my mostly private thoughts that day, it slowly dawned on me that for the past 3 years I too have been grieving the death of my own dreams & hopes. I too have had a hard time coming to grips with the reality of my life situation & the loss of my own dream of marital bliss & a whole family with Jadon & his mother.

Dr. Kubler-Ross described 5 stages of grief, with a general progression from one to the next, though often with jumps back & forth between. I started down the mental checklist...

That day, I knew right away that I had spent much of the last few years in Kubler-Ross’ stage of denial. Wearing rose-colored glasses, I often refused to see or hear of the huge character problems in my own life & others’ which rendered my dream a fantasy. I ignored the pleas of many close friends & family to leave & let go of a relationship that was going nowhere. Even people who didn’t know me very well would point out issues that would make any relationship based on openness & honesty impossible. Yet I would pooh-pooh these people with such sayings as, “Well, you just don’t understand. If only you knew… then you would see where you’re wrong.” I would make up crazy excuses to explain away what to others was plain & simple. Worse yet, at times I would simply ignore the facts & just wish that what had become a painful pattern of life would somehow... just maybe... finally dissolve & turn around to its scripted, storybook ending. Despite the rose-colored glasses, it never did.

What about Kubler-Ross’ stage of anger? Yes, that had often been the case for my emotional life, too. At times I was very angry that my dream for a whole & happy family was dashed, despite having invested my whole being into it. I was angry at myself for making very wrong & hurtful decisions, & sometimes I was even angry with myself for missing all the cues around me that my hopes were not rightly founded. I was angry at Jadon’s mother on many counts too, including for her failure to live up to my expectations. Most horribly, I was angry at God. Though I did tell Him so on occasion, sadly most of my anger at God went unuttered, & my rage would act itself out in other ways… including ignoring Him for periods of time. These additional sins were borne of such angry thoughts as (if I had put them to words) “Aren’t You supposed to be a loving God? What kind of loving God would allow this ____? Didn’t You promise good things in my life? Don’t You even see what’s going on? Why don’t You do something about it? Haven’t You noticed that I’m bleeding to death here? Do You even care? You know what? You suck at being God! You’re not worth following anymore! You don’t even know how to provide a basic, loving family to Your children!” No doubt, I had my share of anger...

I’d forgotten some of Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief. My nurse had to remind me that bargaining was the next stage. And as I thought on it later that day & onward, I had to admit that I’d often been in this stage as well. Not wanting to accept that the basic building blocks for trust in marriage were absent, I often had bargained with Jadon’s mother for some kind of hope for us, but that left me in the end with even less hope. I hadn’t realized that love can only be freely given, never bargained for. And, of course, I even tried bargaining with God. I didn’t so much as lay it out in words, but it was clear that I was trying to bargain with Him by my reactions to disappointing circumstances. Put to words, it might have gone something like this: “OK, God, I’m only asking for a loving wife. If I shape up now & do my devotions with renewed rigor, would You please grant my request? I’m helping out in my church & telling people about You… isn’t that enough to make You want to give Jadon a whole family?” Such misguided legalism not only failed to work, but it more importantly failed to consider the grand sovereignty of God. He will not be confined to anyone’s box, no matter how hard the bargain...

I had to look up Kubler-Ross in the encyclopedia later on to recall that depression was the next stage in her description of grief. At first the stage of depression struck me as something I must have skipped (denial, anyone?), perhaps because as a physician I think of depression in clinical terms, with strict diagnostic criteria. I thought, “Of course I’d be sad when I’d enter my Jadon-less home filled with his things – his empty high-chair, his empty bed, his empty rocking horse. Sure, I’d get the blues sometimes when I thought about how so many of my friends were already happily married. But depressed? Me? No way!” This initial sense of objection, though, soon met with the realization that I had experienced this stage of grief too – quite often, in fact, usually as a meld with the other stages as I passed from one to the next & back. What else but depression would explain how an extrovert would so frequently dive into caverns of relative isolation for days at a time? Why else had I so often wasted away hours in mindless TV watching & internet surfing, searching for something – anything – to keep my mind from feeling anything painfully real? What else could make my nights so sleepless & days so restless? At times I felt so thoroughly beat that I would have preferred not to live at all anymore. How could I deny that depression hadn’t been part of my recent life?

What about Kubler-Ross’ final stage of grief: acceptance? I don’t know. I think I’ve been there for brief periods, always followed by quick reversion to the lower, unhealthier stages of grief. On occasion I think I’ve taken hold of the truth, & grasp it even with all its gravity: Jadon’s mother & I have no grounds for considering marriage. Barring miraculous change, Jadon will grow up in a broken home. My hopes & dreams for an intact family are really dead. I wonder if these last several days are an example of my finally taking hold of the death of these dreams.

What enables me to lay hold of such a heavy reality, to accept what has been so difficult for me to even consider? What will enable me to keep my head up, my eyes forward, & my shoulders strong under the burden of the very real disappointments of life?

I can trust in no other than Jesus.

As true & insightful as Kubler-Ross was in her description of grief, she did not provide the solution to grief, the way to godly acceptance of hard circumstances. As helpful as Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief are, they are not the Gospel!
- Only the Gospel, the Good News of Jesus’ life & death for me, opens my eyes to see the stark reality of sin (mine & others’) & its ugly effects. (See it for yourself in the Bible: Jeremiah 17:9; Romans 3:10-18.)
- Only the Gospel shows me not only that my dream for a shining unbroken family is dead, but also that the dream itself was an idol in my life that needed to die. That I put the dream of my future family above God (seen in how I would use ungodly means to try to obtain it, & my rebelliousness when I didn’t get it) was itself a heinous sin (Luke 14:26-33; Isaiah 55:1-7).
- Only the Gospel tells me of God’s love which forces bad things – even the consequences of my own many sins – to be for my benefit & others’ (Hebrews 12:5-11; Romans 8:28).
- Jesus understands like no other what it’s like to be alone & deserted, subject to scorn & shame, & misunderstood. He Himself is well acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53:3; Hebrews 4:15-16).
- Jesus actually upholds me when I feel weak. He carries my burdens with me, & is the Bridegroom to those who are lonely (Isaiah 53:4; Philippians 4:13; Isaiah 62:5).

Jesus has been so merciful to me. He opens my eyes to see where I’ve been wrong – so wrong, & gives the strength to change. His Word guarantees that He will use all of my life’s hardships & hurts to make me more like Him (Romans 8:29; Philippians 1:6). Through Him, I can seek forgiveness & forgive others where wrongs have been committed (Matthew 18:21-35). Through Him I know I have a loving family already, the Church, in which I can raise Jadon (1 Corinthians 12:12-27; Ephesians 2:19). Through Him I am learning to love Jadon & his mother with wisdom, free from the ungodly expectations of my dead hopes & dreams.

As I begin to more consistently accept the death of my selfish hopes & dreams, I’m reminded that the pangs of loneliness & confusion will probably never completely disappear this side of eternity. The other, longer (eternally longer!) side of eternity has yet to come. There, ALL of our God-given hopes & dreams, the deepest longings of our hearts, will finally find their fullest fruition. There, complete peace & joyful wholeness will be ours – not just for our hearts but for our bodies as well. In Jesus, this is our sure hope, & I look forward to that time. Little Jennifer – finally free from cerebral palsy – will be there too, singing & dancing with her grandmother. Together with our Savior, we will at last learn why we had to face all the suffering & disease which inflict us now. We’ll probably sit with our mouths agape as we hear of the good things God accomplished in & through our grief, both in our lives & in the generations after us. When we see His vast goodness, we’ll probably never cease to thank Him for including us in His perfect plan, no matter how much grief we bore. And, because we will know just how good our God is, in the end we will know our grief was good. Good… good... grief!

“Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away… ‘Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.’” (Revelation 21:1,3,4)

*name changed to protect patient confidentiality

Post-script: If you’re looking for a good book & would like to read more in-depth the things I’m barely beginning to learn, check out Joni Eareckson Tada & Steve Estes’ When God Weeps. I’m actually going through it for the fourth or fifth time (things take a LONG time to seep through this thick skull of mine)...