"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer" (Romans 12:12 ESV)

One of the most difficult truths about life is the mysterious way God often will use something He hates in this broken world to accomplish something good and lovely.  Almost everything about Dad's dementia (apparently Lewy Body Dementia, along with its wretched hallucinations) is despicable and cruel, especially in the irony that Dad had spent his career caring for "crazy people" unlinked to reality, and now his mind's ruined connections bring him to think there are kids in the room or that someone's going to imminently harm him.  Other parts of his dementia are the more run-of-the-mill forgetfulness or disorientation such as when we were on the phone the other night, and he asked me to pray for him (we often close our conversations with prayer).  I did of course, giving thanks for our time to talk and asking for healing and peace.  Not long after I prayed, Dad asked for prayer again, and we went together to our heavenly Father asking His grace again.  Once more, not long afterward, Dad asked yet again, & I chuckled as I led us again to God's throne-room to thank Him for His favor in Christ.

My prayer life is not what I want it to be; it's less frequent and less deep than I hope for.  I often fail to grasp my need for God's transformation and often fail to trust His power and willingness to intervene in this world.  But all of that is silly when I remember what He did for me at the cross.

Thanks God, for letting me come before You three times with Dad that day.  I'm grateful that one day on the Other Side, Dad and I will be able to laugh (and cry?) about it with You together. 

有益的悲傷!

“ 深 哉 ， 神 豐 富 的 智 慧 和 知 識 ！ 他 的 判 斷 何 其 難 測 ！ 他 的 蹤 跡 何 其 難 尋 ！ 誰 知 道 主 的 心 ？ 誰 作 過 他 的 謀 士 呢 ？ 誰 是 先 給 了 他 ， 使 他 後 來 償 還 呢 ？ 因 為 萬 有 都 是 本 於 他 ， 倚 靠 他 ， 歸 於 他 。 願 榮 耀 歸 給 他 ， 直 到 永 遠 。 阿 們 ！”
（羅馬書11：33-36）

“庫德勒-羅斯，”我自己想著 “庫德勒-羅斯的悲傷五階段。”

幾個月前，當9歲的Jennifer來就診時，這個想法在我腦中突然出現。她有嚴重的痙攣性大腦麻痹，這是一種在出生初期的某種悲劇導致的永久性神經肌肉疾病，而這只是她眾多病癥中的一項。她的祖母帶她來做年度的檢查。他的祖母是一位非常屬靈的女士，一位主內的姐妹，她不斷講述著自己飆升的盼望，Jennifer會很快像其他她年紀的孩子一樣行走，說話。當然，現代醫學救了Jennifer的命，也使她的病情相對的穩定，但是在9年中都不能讓她行走講話，而是相差甚遠。Jennifer坐在她的輪椅里，流著口水，痙攣著，不能溝通，除了她的微笑。

“祖母只是在否定事實”我繼續自己想著“她難道不知道在地上的日子里Jennifer將永遠不能行走？難道沒有人告訴過她Jennifer病情的診斷結果？”事实很可能是很多醫生歷年來都曾告訴祖母Jennifer病情的嚴重性，但是祖母還是不能接受。我擔心是因為有時家人不切實際的盼望會導致他們最終做出的決定使得病人不能接受完整的治療。有時候，家人（或者病人本人）會拒絕接受安全有效，上帝給予的治療，因為他們在“等待”上帝的奇妙醫治。有時候，他們忽略了信仰基督不能避免的疾病與苦難的嚴酷真相。

不過，祖母的悲痛是可以理解的。她應該對她的孫子孫女有很多沒有說出的夢想和希望：他們可以跑來跑去，與她閑聊他們的每天發生的事。但對于Jennifer，這一切的希望卻沒有依托 – 是死的。而任何有價值的東西死亡，都會引發悲傷。

當我那天與Jennifer坐在診所里，最值得注意的并不是單純的因為我發現祖母所處否定事實的階段同心理學家庫德勒-羅斯描述的悲傷五階段相符。而是一種更加深刻尖銳的領悟：我也一直在為自己逝去的夢想悲哀。

那天，在我最隱秘的意念里，我漸漸了解到在過去的3年中，我一直在為自己已消失的夢想和盼望悲哀。我也曾難以了解我所處的真實情況，我失去的美好婚姻和與Jadon和他的母親組織完整家庭的夢想。

庫德勒-羅斯描述了悲傷的五個階段，它們大致依次發生，但也常來回反復。我心中開始浮現了一個對照表。。。

那一天，我立即明白了我在過去的幾年里一直處在庫德勒-羅斯所描述的否認階段。活在自己的世界，我常常拒絕看到聽到我自己和其他人生命里重大的道德缺陷，这导致我的梦想成为一个空想。我忽視了很多親近的朋友和家人要我結束一段沒有結果的感情的請求。种种的问题導致任何公開誠實的感情不可能實現，即使不太了解我的人都可以指出这一切。但是我總是輕視這些建議，“啊哟，你們是不了解。如果你們知道。。。那你們就會知道你們錯了”我會用愚蠢的借口來解釋別人看來單純而簡單的事。更糟的是，我有時甚至忽略事實，希望已經變成人生中痛苦模式的一切以某種方式。。。只是可能。。。最終消逝而回到原先的童話的結局。即使我试着活在自己的世界，最终还是不能如愿。

那庫德勒-羅斯所描述的憤怒階段呢? 的確，這也是我情緒化的人生的一部分。有時我會非常憤怒，我擁有完整快樂家庭的希望破滅了，雖然為此我傾注了我的所有。我為自己做出的非常錯誤有害的決定憤怒，有時我甚至為自己忽略種種顯示我的希望沒有建立在正確的基礎上的跡象而憤怒。我也對Jadon的母親感到憤怒，包括她不能達到我的期望。更可怕的是，我對神感到憤怒。雖然我有時會向他陳述，但不幸的，大多時候，我對神的憤怒并沒有陳述出來，我的憤怒通過其他的渠道。。。包括一度無視神的存在。這些罪導致了種種憤怒的想法（如果我必須用語言表達）“你難道不應該是慈愛的神嗎？慈愛的神怎么會允許這種事發生？你難道不是承諾了要在我生命里成就好事嗎？你難道沒有看到發生了什么事嗎？你為什么不做些什么？你到底在乎嗎？你知道嗎？你當上帝真是糟透了！你已經不值得我跟隨了！你甚至不知道如何給你的孩子提供一個基本的，充滿愛的家。”顯然，我經歷了憤怒。

我已經忘記了庫德勒-羅斯悲傷五階段中的幾個。我的護士提醒我下個階段是討價還價。那天晚些的時候，我繼續思考，我必須承認我也常常處在這個階段。不愿接受作為婚姻基石的信任的不存在，我常與Jadon的母親爭論我們之間是有某些希望的，這最終使得我們之間的希望更加渺茫。我不曾領悟愛是自由給予的，而不是討價還價來的。當然，我也試著跟神討價還價。雖然我沒有用語言表達，但我顯然試著用自己對令人失望的環境的反應與神討價還價。如果用語言表達，應該是類似：“好吧，上帝，我只是想要一個愛我的太太。如果我現在開始好好表現，用更新的嚴格要求奉獻，你會實現我的請求嗎？我在我的教會服侍，向別人宣揚你。。。這些還不足以讓你給Jadon一個完整的家嗎？”這種被錯誤引導的法定主義不但沒有意義，更重要的是沒有考慮到神的全然掌權。他不會被任何人的框框所限制，不論你多努力的討價還價。

之后我在百科全書中查詢了庫德勒-羅斯才想到悲傷的下一個階段是憂郁。最開始，我認為沮喪是我略過的一個階段（看吧，我又在否認了），也許作為一個醫生，我從臨床診斷的角度來看待憂郁，它要符合嚴格的診斷標準。我思考，“我回到沒有Jadon的家，到處都是他的東西 – 他空著的高腳椅，他空著的床，他空著的要木馬，我當然會難過。當然，我有時會沮喪當我想起我那么多的朋友都有快樂的婚姻。但是憂郁癥？我？不可能！”這是我最初的反對，但是，很快我就認識到我也經歷了這個階段 – 而且相當長，通常跟其它的階段一起，在它們之間反復的時候。除了憂郁，還有什么原因使一個外向的人經常幾天與人隔絕？有什么原因使我浪費幾個小時心不在焉的看電視，上網，尋找任何可以讓我忘記痛苦現實的東西？有什么原因讓我晚上失眠，早晨焦躁不安？有時我會覺得完全疲倦到不想再活下去。我怎么能否認憂郁是我近來生活中的一部分？

那庫德勒-羅斯悲傷的最终階段接受呢？我不知道。我想我曾短暫的處在這個階段，但很快回到較低的，較不健康的悲傷的階段。有時我覺得我了解了事實，甚至掌握了它一切的重擔：Jadon的母親和我沒有考慮婚姻的可能。除非有奇跡的改變，Jadon會在不完整的家庭長大。我擁有完整家庭的希望和夢想已真的破灭了。我想知道我最近幾天的想法是不是我終于接受了夢想破灭事實的征兆。

是什么讓我可以掌握了如此沉重的事實，接受了這曾經甚至連考慮都困難的一切？是什么讓我在人生的重大失意的重擔下可以抬起頭，向前看，挺起肩膀？

除了耶穌我沒有其他东西可以相信。

雖然庫德勒-羅斯描述悲傷的階段真實而深刻，她沒有給予悲傷解答，沒有提供合神心意的接受艱難处境的方式。雖然庫德勒-羅斯描述悲傷五階段有所幫助，但那些不是福音！

* 只有福音，主耶穌為我死里復活的福音，让我的眼睛可以看到罪的嚴酷事實（我的與別人的）和它丑陋的后果。（你可以在圣經里讀到：耶利米書17章9節，羅馬書3章10-18節）。
* 只有福音告訴我不止我華麗完整家庭的夢想破灭了，這夢想本身是我生命中需要消除的偶像。我將我未來家庭的夢想擺在神之上（從我通過用不合神心意的方式去取得它，到我在得不到它时的反叛都可以看到）的本身就是種可憎的罪（路加福音14章26-33節；以賽亞書55章1-7節）。
* 只有福音告訴我神的愛致使一切惡的事 – 甚至是我自己的罪帶來的后果 – 都可以成為對我對別人有益的（希伯來書12章：5-11節；羅馬書8章28節）。

* 耶穌比任何人都了解孤獨和被離棄，被奚落侮辱，被誤解。他自己也充分的經歷了悲傷(以賽亞書53章3節；希伯來書4章15-16節）。
* 耶穌比任何人都了解孤獨和被離棄，被奚落侮辱，被誤解。他自己也充分的經歷了悲傷（以賽亞書53章4節，腓力比書4章13節，以賽亞書62章5節）。

耶穌對我如此的仁慈。他讓我看到我的過錯 – 錯的如此離譜，還給了我改變的力量。他的話語承諾了他會用我生命中的一切苦難傷害將我變得更像他（羅馬書8章29節，腓力比書1章6節）。通過他，我可以在罪發生時尋求饒恕也饒恕他人（馬太福音18章21-35節）。透過他我知道我已經擁有一個愛我的家，教會，我可以在這里養育Jadon（哥林多前書12章12-27節；以弗所書2章19節）。透過他，我學習著愛Jadon和他的母親，有智慧的，沒有不合神的心意的死去的愿望與夢想的。

當我開始比較一貫的接受我自私的愿望和夢想破灭的時候，我意識到在永恒的這一端，孤獨迷茫的痛苦是不會完全消失的。然而它的另一端，更長的（長到永恒的）另一端终會來臨的。在那里，我們所有從神來的愿望和夢想，我們心中最深的期盼，都會最終完全的成就。在那里，我們會得到完全的平安與喜樂 – 不僅僅是我們的心靈也有我們的肉體。在耶穌里，這是我們確實的盼望，而我也盼望那個時刻的到來。小Jennifer會從大腦性麻痹中解脫，她也會在那里，和她的祖母一起歌唱跳舞。同我們的救主一起，我們會最終了解為什么我們現在要面對這一切的苦難與疾病。當我們聽到神就著我們的苦難，為我們和我們的后代成就了多少益事，我們大概會張大了嘴。當我們看到他莫大的美好，我們大概會不住感謝他將我們作為他完美計劃中的一部分，無論我們經歷了多少苦難。因為我們知道我們神这么的美好，我們會最終了解我們的悲傷是有益的。是有益的，有益的。。。悲傷！

“ 我 又 看 見 一 個 新 天 新 地 ； 因 為 先 前 的 天 地 已 經 過 去 了 ， 海 也 不 再 有 了 。 。。看 哪 ， 神 的 帳 幕 在 人 間 。 他 要 與 人 同 住 ， 他 們 要 作 他 的 子 民 。 神 要 親 自 與 他 們 同 在 ， 作 他 們 的 神 。 神 要 擦 去 他 們 一 切 的 眼 淚 ； 不 再 有 死 亡 ， 也 不 再 有 悲 哀 、 哭 號 、 疼 痛 ， 因 為 以 前 的 事 都 過 去 了 。”
(啟示錄21章1，3，4節)

文中使用化名以保護病人的隱私。

如果你在找好的書，或是想更深入的閱讀我剛剛開始學習的東西，可以看一下Joni Eareckson Tada和Steve Estes的當上帝在哭泣。其實我已經看了四五遍了（東西要很久才可以進入我固執的腦袋）。。。

(this entry is simply a Chinese translation of the English 9/21/2008 entry)

You Are God Alone

Phillips Craig & Dean
"You Are God Alone"
From the album Let the Worshippers Arise
Label: Sparrow Records

You are not a god
Created by human hands.
You are not a god
Dependent on any mortal man.
You are not a god
In need of anything we can give.
By Your plan, that’s just the way it is.

(Chorus)
You are God alone;
From before time began
You were on Your throne.
You are God alone,
And right now
In the good times and bad,
You are on Your throne;
You are God alone.

You’re the only God
Whose power none can contend.
You’re the only God
Whose name and praise will never end.
You’re the only God
Who’s worthy of everything we can give.
You are God,
And that’s just the way it is.

(Repeat Chorus)

(Bridge)
Unchangeable,
Unshakable,
Unstoppable,
That’s what You are.

(Repeat Bridge
Repeat Chorus
Repeat Bridge Out)

What a wonderful song, to remind myself & others that the Lord of the Bible, revealed in Jesus Christ through the Holy Spirit, is God alone. Not myself, not my family, not my supervisors, not any romantic interests, & not even my son. This song has ministered to me many times in the last few years, & I've sung it countless times for Jadon, starting before he was born when I recorded it on tapes I sent to his mommy, & I just sang it to him by phone after a very difficult transition to his mommy's care (the difficulty happens sometimes when he comes to my care too). May the Lord help all of us...

Christmas letter 2009 (just a bit late)

“Ascribe to the LORD the glory due his name;
Worship the LORD in the splendor of his holiness” (Psalm 29:2).

.

Merry (belated) Christmas, Dear Friends & Family!

.

How are you? As we’ve just begun the new year, I have already heard heart-breaking news from some of you of tragic turns of health & broken relationships. Some of you have shared news of over-brimming joy: the wonder of new life brought into the world & the regeneration of selfish dead souls into hearts of service.

.

2009 was a year of both ups & downs for me. On my 35th birthday, I ran my 3rd marathon in record time (for me anyway), & then a few months later I raced in my first Olympic triathlon, both completed faster than my goal-times. My medical practice with LLU in my hometown of Highland, California thrives in service to young & old. Jadon, now 3 ½ years old, has grown immensely in his physical abilities & happy inquisitiveness, & is a little comedian in his own right.

.

All of these things have been gracious gifts to me, impossible without God’s mercy & kindness in giving me health & the encouraging support of loved ones such as yourselves. (Thank you!)

.

Last year had its challenges as well. While thankfully my job is secure, finances were tight at times, part of the ripple-effect of overspending for a house a few years earlier. Even more difficult were 2009’s painful upheavals in various relationships that at times left me feeling thoroughly disoriented, upheavals that were in part due to my own selfishness & shortsightedness. (For those to whom I’ve apologized, thank you for your patience with me.)

.

As I look upon these hard issues, especially in the context of all the events of the year, I am compelled to note that the threads running through these “downs” are the same threads of God’s kindness & mercy which ran through the “ups” of the year: while I’ve had to scale back on personal expenses, I’ve yet had the mercy of being able to pay for the comfortable house which has also been a blessing to others who have come to visit & stay, & also support people & ministries in need. It is God’s kindness & mercy which have sustained me through lonely times – even when I least felt I wanted His kindness, & it is His kindness & mercy which have also opened my eyes to see where I have mistakenly trusted in myself or the ability of certain relationships to bring comfort or meaning to my life. To be frank, these issues continue to be a challenge for me.

.

One of the ways God has kindly & mercifully opened my eyes to where my life has gone astray is one I hadn’t expected: Jadon. In spite of his sneaky disobedience & tightfisted tantrums at times in the past year, God has used him to teach me an important lesson. Ever since he learned to talk Jadon has expressed his inquisitiveness in his constantly asking “Why?,” & it is an eager curiosity I have encouraged. “Why does the balloon go up?” “Why can’t I have candy right now?” “Why did the field catch fire?” “Why did you burp Daddy?” He would ask so many questions every day that it made me wonder why the inquisitiveness characteristic of children his age ever ends. (Is it parental impatience telling them to “be quiet”? Is it unsatisfying answers like “Because I said so” or “Because that’s just the way it is”? Is it boredom… or laziness?) I began to ask myself: why is it that most of us – outside of theologians & scientists – stop asking these questions aloud with the sincere resolve of a toddler?

.

As I would answer Jadon’s questions (& most often evoke more), I found myself going to God with the same questions so as to give Jadon the best answers I could find from God’s revelation in science & His word. As long as Jadon’s pursuit of “why” persisted & even if I didn’t have the most precise answers at hand, the string of questions would invariably conclude with the answers “for God’s glory… so everyone will know how GREAT He is… because He really is that GREAT!” Below is an example of one such conversation I recorded from before Jadon turned 3:

Jadon (as I was hanging up the phone): Daddy, who were you talking to?
Daddy: I was talking to the [hospital] operator.
Jadon: Why?
D: Daddy's on call, & I wanted to see if anyone tried to call me.
J: Why?
D: Daddy's pager's not working right.
J: Why?
D: The battery's running out.
J: Why?
D: There are no more electrons to travel to the other side.
J: Why?
D: That's all the charge the battery had.
J: Why?
D: There's only so much charge each battery can hold.
J: Why?
D: That's the way they designed it.
J: Why?
D: The engineers are smart.
J: Why?
D: God helped them to be smart.
J: Why?
D: For His glory… (Jadon chimes in here.) So everyone will know how GREAT He is!

.

Now I don’t pretend to know everything (Jadon does see Daddy has to think & look things up), & I realize that in time God reveals more details of His wondrously intricate creation through continued scientific research (such as why electrons have a certain amount of charge or even why certain people like engineers are so intelligent), but even those new explanations just uncover how much more we yet don’t know, & how much the entire universe depends on God for its order & existence. As God’s child, I shouldn’t be surprised by this of course, for His word tells me “by [Jesus Christ, who is God,] all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together” (Colossians 1:16-17; cf. Romans 1:35-36 & Hebrews 1:2-3).

.

At times I too have had my own “why” questions, often asked with selfish apathy when I face hard things: “Why is this happening to me?” Too often I have stopped there without lifting my questions to the next level. But God’s kindness & mercy eventually prevail, & I’m reminded of my own heart’s desire for Jadon – for him to know he is deeply loved, & part of a kingdom which revolves around Someone far greater than he. God moves my heart also to ask the deeper “why” questions, & thus look up to the causes greater than myself: encouraging others in the truth, learning patience & love for others when life is hard, understanding the real destructiveness of sin, & becoming more like Christ in a very broken world… all to His eternal praise. God’s Spirit gently reminds me that hardships shouldn’t surprise me as a Christ follower (1 Peter 4:12-13), especially when the greatest good ever (the bringing in of God’s glorious kingdom) has been & is being accomplished through the worst hardship of all time (Christ’s bearing the full weight of our sin at the cross).

.

Dear friends & family, I do hope you are well in all regards. I am so happy for your joys, & also grieve for your sorrows. But whatever ups or downs you face, my prayer for you in this new year is that you would join me in learning this lesson from Jadon & other kids his age: to keep asking the hard questions of life, to look to God for the answers, & to gratefully trust Him in His powerful, wise, & loving ways.

.

To God’s Glory (Jadon says it “Glowy”),
Sid

.

“And [Jesus] said: ‘I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven’” (Matthew 18:3).

.

Looking for a good book? Not done with these yet but they've been good so far: Total Church by Tim Chester & Steve Timmis, War of Words: Getting to the Heart of Your Communication Struggles by Paul Tripp.

What a Lavish God We Serve!

“For nothing is impossible with God” (Luke 1:37).

The 31st chapter of the Bible’s Book of Proverbs describes a woman of noble character who is intelligent, strong, trustworthy, & diligently active toward the concerns of the family. The end of the chapter tells us the key to her praiseworthiness: rather than putting her trust in charm & beauty, this woman fears the Lord (v. 30).

Soon I am to marry such a Proverbs 31 woman! To be sure, she is far from perfect, & she herself frankly knows the many ways her mistakes have hurt others. All the same, she is uniquely capable, steadfast, loyal, & industrious in the care of her family. (Jadon’s health & well-being are a testament to his mother’s love for him.) Most importantly, this woman fears the Lord, & seeks to honor & wholly trust the One who lived & died for her.

I have heard the slogan, “If you want to find a Proverbs 31 woman, you have to be a Proverbs 1-30 man.” I recently started to read through the Book of Proverbs again, & quite quickly I was reminded that I am no such wise man, but rather a fool – just a selfish, impatient kid who constantly needs God’s loving discipline (3:11, 12). I have realized how my own rebelliousness too has often hurt many, especially those I am called to love most deeply.

God’s mercy & kindness have been so amazing to me as I think on how He has brought about what not long ago seemed utterly impossible. To say that He in the last few months “orchestrated” the reconciliation of Jadon’s mother & me (first to Himself & then to each other) describes the process well: from amidst a cacophony of confusion & pain came forth a beautiful melody, one made more beautiful by the otherwise stray tones reined into harmony with the Composer’s heart. It was God’s kindness which captivated Jadon’s mother into loving submission & transformed her into the Proverbs 31 woman that she is. It was God’s kindness which brought her to me when I least expected or deserved it. And it was God’s kindness which melted my heart to reconsider her whom I’d mournfully written off as incapable of change. God’s faithfulness to me endured even in spite of my own faithlessness.

Over the past several years, I have read the words of Pastor C. J. Mahaney many times: “Your greatest need is not a spouse. Your greatest need is to be delivered from the wrath of God – and that has already been accomplished for you through the death and resurrection of Christ. So why doubt that God will provide a much, much lesser need? Trust His sovereignty, trust His wisdom, trust His love.” Indeed, in His lavish love, God has been faithful to accomplish my greatest need already. Indeed, His sovereignty, wisdom, & love are unquestionably trustworthy. And in this very same sovereignty, wisdom, & love, He has chosen to provide now for my lesser need for a wife, & has done so again with the same reckless lavishness I don’t deserve: not only is she a Proverbs 31 woman, but to me she is charming & beautiful as well!

To think now that God has helped Jadon’s mother & me to this joyful, free, & genuine decision for union in marriage, to think that I will soon be holding her as my bride (MY BRIDE!!!), and to think that we will finally be giving our son the whole family we’d secretly hoped for from the very beginning, is truly, truly unfathomable.

How GREAT is our God!

“A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies... A woman who fears the LORD is to be praised” (Proverbs 31:10, 30).

Out of the Grave to Learn About Love

With apologies for slowness of response to those who requested it, I am finally posting the story of my proposal of marriage to JJ from that happy April Saturday not long ago. I do hope you get a kick out of it like we do, as it’s part of our very own, very unique love story. But before I go back to that part of the story, I hope you don’t mind my sharing a few sentiments of what I’ve learned in the few short months since our wedding.

Of course I’ve learned a lot (after all, I’d never been married before!), & to be sure I yet have much to learn. Of all that I’ve learned, however, what strikes me most deeply is this: that I am just a little boy who knows nearly nothing about love.

Just to be clear, I have no regrets whatsoever about getting married, for in all it is my very happy privilege to live in union with my beautiful wife JJ. It’s just that in spite of my thirty-six-&-a-half years, countless books on the subject, & earnest learning from the wide experiences of friends, family, & patients around the world, I have found that there is far, far more to love than I ever imagined.

Before getting married, I had no idea just how much of life is encompassed in that word: love. In spite of all the good book knowledge & counseling accumulated over the years, I didn’t realize that love involves the willingness to adjust in such a wide breadth of life: my emotions, my habits, my preferences, my plans, my thinking, my spending, my interacting with others, down to every little never-before-examined assumption of life between waking & sleeping. In marriage, I’m learning that everything is on the table, as the good & proper transparency inherent to unity with one’s spouse leaves no area of life uncovered. In all things, love calls me to consider my wife’s needs & desires, & what is best for her.

Another aspect of love I had no clue about before marriage was its costs, the depth to which one must be willing to give oneself in love. It isn’t enough to know what it means to show love in a particular situation, but one must also be ready to do so freely! As for myself, I’m learning just how astonishingly selfish I am, that God must repeatedly overcome my heart’s stinginess so that I would actually consent to doing what is certainly good & right.

God is so, so faithful. He knows & mercifully provides exactly what I need each day: kind words of truth, tender touches from my wife, & lots & lots of life lessons. He loves me too much to leave me where I am, & is true to His promise to complete the good work He started in me (Philippians 1:6). I suppose these lessons shouldn’t be a surprise to me anyway, as Scripture speaks of my heart as being innately blind & self-deceiving (Jeremiah 17:9; Romans 3:10-18). What else but marriage – far more than even fatherhood – would bring these things to light as two lives are smashed together into one, when every nook & cranny of our lives are exposed, including the very parts I take special care to hide from others? Many times, I had read & heard in counseling that marriage would expose my inadequacies, but now as a married man I know this truth far more profoundly.

Love’s breadth & depth were not the only things I was clueless about in marriage. Even in the short months since our wedding, I have learned also of love’s joys like never before. Learning to give myself wholly to God’s plan for marriage (Genesis 2:24; Mark 10:7-9) has unveiled to me the very real & beautiful goodness of love as I’d never known. Even the seemingly mundane activities of my daily life give evidence of this: my gums & teeth have never been in better shape as I’ve learned to floss regularly, & our house has been transformed from a bachelor pad to a beautiful family home. Though our marriage has certainly not been endless smooth sailing, I have been challenged to grow in my perspective & understanding of people & life. Perhaps more than anything, I have begun to learn the freedom & inexplicable, abiding peace that comes with love: no matter what happens in this world, I know whom I’m committed to. Though I’m just beginning to learn it, there is so much joy in knowing the rightness of gentle stalwartness in loving JJ through thick & thin.

Such joy in marriage would not be possible, I’m learning, without the depth & breadth of commitment in accord with God’s love (Acts 20:35). Indeed, God reminds me that wherever I would foolishly choose to limit my commitment to this relationship, I would not only be hurtful to JJ but also intensely self-destructive as well (Ephesians 5:25-30). He tells me that I am to love JJ with total commitment as He has loved me, impossible even to attempt except that through His Spirit He generously provides His strength & wisdom (Philippians 4:13; James 1:5).

Our God has loved us with great depth, breadth, & joy, hasn’t He? Every night for the last two years I have been reading to Jadon from Sally Lloyd-Jones’ The Jesus Storybook Bible, which regularly reminds me that His love is a “Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love.” It’s a really good thing that His love is “Always and Forever,” for not only is it exactly the kind I need, but because it will take me just that long for me to learn it.

“Out of the Grave”

April 10, 2010

The Story of Sid’s Proposal to JJ

(as told by JJ, with interjections from Sid)

JJ: So Sid invited me over to do some gardening at his sister Ruth’s house as a surprise for her husband’s return. Sid wanted us to plant some flowers in the back yard. When I arrived, he said he wanted us to plant one flower for each of the years that we knew each other from 2004-2010, to symbolically give new meaning to our hard years.

Sid: Eric was returning from a year-long military tour of duty in Europe, so I’d bought some red & yellow Ranunculus flowers (Eric’s favorite color is red; JJ’s favorite is yellow) for us to plant at their place, where I used to live years ago.

JJ: We started to plant six flowers all in a row, with the boys all around us helping out.

Sid: Jadon was there, along with Eric & Ruthie’s kids: 6-year-old Nathan & 3-year-old Timothy.

JJ: When we were done, Sid said “Let’s count the flowers,” & we called out the years each flower symbolized: “2004, 2005, 2006…” And we were short one. We had miscounted & didn’t have one for 2010.

Sid: Of course, we hadn’t miscounted at all…

JJ: As I was lamenting on this, Sid said, “Don’t worry, we have more,” & went to get another plant from the car because he had gotten some for his house – our house – as well. As I was thinking about where we might plant the last flower, Sid said, “Let’s plant it over there,” & pointed to a corner by the fence behind the AC unit. I didn’t want to plant it there because the sprinklers wouldn’t reach it, but Sid said, “No, no, no. Trust me, it’ll get back there. It’ll be fine.” We argued about it a little, & then I said, “Let’s ask Ruth.”

Sid: Obviously, it was important that she dig the last hole in that particular spot, & I’d arranged for us to plant the flowers in a row pointing to that exact place, but NOOOOO, we had to argue about such issues as whether the spot could sustain a plant! ;)

JJ: Ruth came out & said “I don’t think so,” & I said “See? The sprinkler won’t reach the flower and it will die.”

Sid: Even though I’d told Ruthie that I wanted to marry JJ, I didn’t fill her in on what was going to happen that day aside from having a date with JJ while giving them something nice in their back yard. So all the time Ruthie was looking over the proposed digging spot, I was giving her the eyes that said “SAY YES! YOU BETTER TELL JJ YES, THAT THE PLACE IS JUST FINE TO PUT ANOTHER PLANT!” …It didn’t work.

JJ: But Sid said, “Let’s just try,” & he was adamant. So I said, “Fine.” He handed me the shovel, & I started digging while he watched. After a little while I finished digging a hole the same size as required for the other flowers, & said, “Sid, hand me the plant so I can put it in.” But he said “No, no, no. It has to be deeper.” I said, “What?! Why?” So he said, “Because the nursery said this plant needs a hole 2 feet deep & 2 feet wide.” I asked again, “Why?” & he replied “Because the roots need it.” I said, “The roots?!” And he handed me the shovel again & I started digging while he watched.

Sid: Of course, the nursery said no such thing about the Gardenia plant, but I wanted to be sure JJ dug deep enough. Also, I did try to look busy while watching JJ dig that hole.

JJ: After a long while, I finished digging a 2’ by 2’ hole & told him I was done as I handed him the shovel. But he said, “No, deeper.” I said, “What? Then you dig…” He said, “No, no, no. Keep digging.” So I kept digging a little wider & a little deeper while he watched.

Sid: During this time, I started to worry that I’d mistaken where I’d buried my special box. You see, I’d proposed to JJ at a bad time in 2005, & in 2007 when I felt things were going nowhere with JJ, I had put everything related to her into a plastic box, covered it with 3 plastic bags, sealed it with tape, & early one morning before daybreak buried it in Eric & Ruthie’s back yard in a kind of funeral of my dreams, right there in that very spot… so I thought!

JJ: Suddenly I hit what looked like a pipe, & said “It’s a pipe! I’m not digging anymore! I don’t want to break Ruth’s pipe. If I do she’ll never invite me here again!” Sid looked & said, “Oh, no it’s not a pipe,” & handed me the shovel saying, “Keep digging.” I said, “Yes it is a pipe!” & then returned the shovel to him & said, “YOU dig.”

Sid: What’s a guy gotta do to get a woman to dig up her own engagement rings?

JJ: So Sid started digging a little deeper & a little wider, & then said, “Hey JJ, come over here & look.” I thought that he might shove me into the hole when I bent over to look with my butt in the air, so I said, “No way! I’m not looking in there.” He said, “No, no, no! Come look!” & I said, “No! You’re going to shove me in… I know you!” So Sid bent down to look more closely & I shoved HIM in.

Sid: Of course, all the kids thought that this whole process was really funny.

JJ: After he got up, he said, “Let’s dig deeper.” When he dug a little more & hit something again, he said, “Come here & look.” He came out of a hole as deep as my knees, then handed me an ice pick.

Sid: Strangely, the only thing I kept that was connected to our romance was that ice pick. As a joke, JJ had asked me to find one for our first date in 2004 when I’d asked her how I should prepare for our time. I actually bought one & brought it along on that first date. Now, in 2010, I handed it over to JJ so she could use it to get us into another new phase of our relationship. And the way into that new phase was inside a buried box.

JJ: Sid said, “Hey, let’s take it out & look.” I said, “No way! What if it’s something that died there or a piece of dead human being?” He finally convinced me that it couldn’t be anything more than a dead cockroach, so as Sid watched, I used the ice pick & pulled out something that looked like a rotted lunchbox. As I put it down, I realized that it had “peed” all over me. I had stinky ooze all over my pants.

Sid: That was strange to me to see that the box was somehow half-filled with stinky water, since I thought I’d sealed it well. Somehow water had slowly seeped into the box & was slowly decomposing its contents. Still, in my happiness, I hardly thought about the smell.

JJ: Sid excitedly said, “Open it!! Open it!” & I said, “No, YOU open it!” Still thinking that something dead might be inside, I feared opening the box, but Sid finally convinced me that nothing would jump out & bite me. Meanwhile, all the kids were excitedly jumping up & down around us saying, “It’s treasure! It’s treasure! Open it! Open the treasure!!”

Sid: They were REALLY excited about what the treasure might be!

JJ: Not wanting to touch the rotten box with my hands, I broke the plastic around the “lunchbox” with the ice pick & opened it. Immediately I was hit with an odor worse than stinky poop, which made my eyes & nose tear up. As I was thinking it really must BE a dead animal, all the kids ran away screaming, “Ewww!!! It’s stinky treasure! It’s poo-poo!!!” I looked at the kids & wished I could run away too, but Sid said, “Look what’s inside.”

Sid: It REALLY smelled horrible at that point!

JJ: Controlling the urge to hit him on the head, I used the ice pick to fumble through the contents of the box. I grabbed what looked like a person’s soggy, rotting old socks & found that they contained bells that were equally rotting away.

Sid: When I prepared to propose to JJ in 2005, I knew that she didn’t want any diamonds, especially because we might end up living among the world’s poor. But I didn’t want to skimp on her ring, so after thinking about it I ended up getting her not just the ring for her finger, but also infinitely-renewable “rings” – handbells! Thankfully, I never buried the nice ones…

JJ: Then I looked & saw that there was a bunch of rotted papers. When I looked closely they had my writing on them. It suddenly dawned on me that these were the letters & printed-out emails that I had given Sid years ago. Curious, I looked around some more & saw a smaller box covered with white fuzz, & as I reached for it, the white fuzz scurried away. Tiny maggots! Ewww! Dreading what I would find inside, I opened the box, & found 2 shining rings untouched by all the rot. It started to dawn on me that these were the rings Sid had shown me back in 2005. I thought he’d thrown them away long ago! So as I crouched there in an amazed daze, Sid took the rings, removed my gardening gloves, kneeled & asked me to marry him. Filled with joy, I said “Yes.”

Sid: She wasn’t the only one overjoyed!

---
Looking for something good to read? Check out these 3 books I'm working on:

1. Soul Survivor: How Thirteen Unlikely Mentors Helped My Faith Survive the Church by Philip Yancey. Pointed out to me by our church's book club, it is a very thoughtful, candid book which describes God's faithfulness to a man scarred by blatant evil (especially racism) in the church of his upbringing.

2. Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy. One of Yancey's "mentors," Tolstoy (1828-1910) was a Russian writer who himself struggled with the vast chasm between God's holy ideals & the reality of our broken world. I'm almost finished listening to this book, & through the story I am learning just how unsearchable & deep our hearts really are, full of competing passionate desires often unbeknownst to ourselves.

3. War of Words: Getting to the Heart of Your Communication Struggles by Paul David Tripp. I'm actually re-reading this one, & its biggest point to me is that healthy communication comes not from learning better technique but from submitting my heart to the One who made words & rescued my heart for His good purposes.

Taiwanese proverb

Dad, do you know the origin of this proverb? It sounds very Biblical…might it have been a pastor or missionary?

Tu-tio chhi-lian na kian-ko*
chhin-chhiu(n) ng-kim lo hoe-lo*


"Facing trials makes one stronger
As gold [becomes more pure] when put into the crucible"

It's been awhile... let's do it in style!

At first I thought it'd been over twenty years since my last college course until I remembered I'd taken the Bible overview course at Westminster Seminary in Escondido back in 2005, in preparation for fulltime mission service.  All the same, over 14 years is a pretty long time since attending class, studying, and taking tests for a college course.  It's been especially meaningful, however, as I'm taking this new course (Spanish 3, which is a good fit even though we had tested into higher levels) with my 13 year old son!  Below, our first day of class together, as well as today in the car as we crammed for the midterm. 

Too cool to say it at school?

Last week on Jadon's second day of junior high (in a new district with yet another new start for him, Lord help him), I had the singular joy of reciprocated expression of love: as we parted at the gate I told him I love him, and he was willing to reply with the same, along with the ASL "I love you" handsign.

Contrast that with what happened within days with Evangelina as I brought her to school.  We were walking in from the parking lot and I began to quietly sing my love for her when I was rudely interrupted.  "Shhhh!  Daddy, don't say it so loud!"

"I love you M--"

(In hushed tones...) "--Shhh!  There are people here!"

Then, as Evangelina looks around and noticed that the people passed to a sufficient distance from us, my daughter relents with the command, "OK, now say it."

Sí, soy padre, pero no suyo

With regularity I tell my patients it is an honor to care for them, in part to let them know their value for themselves, but also as a reminder to myself of their value before God... especially when the patient happens to be a "difficult" one, when they bring problems that I feel are beyond my own resources to help them.  I do not like to overstate the spiritual nature of the doctor-patient relationship, but I still am surprised at how much of their lives we are privy to, often even more than their own spouses or parents.  These are amazing God-given opportunities to impact His kingdom in people's lives, whether it be in an overtly spiritual way (eg: praying with them for their needs), or not overtly spiritual at all (eg: carefully listening to and addressing their physical needs).  The other week I was caring for an older Spanish-speaking woman in what I thought was not overtly spiritual at all, and as I finished the visit and got up to leave the room she said, "Gracias Padre" before she quickly corrected herself, "Gracias Doctor." 

It had been a while since a patient mistakenly called me "Pastor" (usually followed by a quick correction "Doctor" in amused embarrassment), but this is the first time I can remember being called "Padre."

Gracias, Dios mio, por este gran recordatorio que mi trabajo me presente las oportunidades para edificar su reino.

Wheels in passing

Today I more formally grieve the loss of my dad's having his own bike.  Even though I'm deeply thankful that he's given it to me (it'll work great for the shorter folk in our family), taking possession of it formally represents what Dad already decided about a year ago: giving up bicycling on the street.  Thankfully there hasn't been any sudden loss of motor function or some terrible accident.  Rather, given the knowledge of his own slowed reflexes and the recent death of a cyclist in his neighborhood (by a very aged driver), he decided it was wise that he stop riding his bike to work, something he actually tried to maintain even after moving from Highland to Loma Linda.  For me, it's a poignant reminder about the different stages of one's life.  My dad was never a super avid cyclist, yet there are a great many memories of his riding to work with his relective pantleg cuffs (which he also gave me), as well as taking Ruthie & me out to different places on bikes.  Gratefully by the time we got to college he upgraded from his super heavy department store Murray (of note, AFTER he had upgraded Ruthie's and mine to bikeshop brand bikes) to the entry-level Cannondale mountainbike without suspension.  As I put it on the bikerack to transport home & later as I wiped it down & put it into our garage, I noted how well he'd taken care of it & how there wasn't a bit of rust to be seen on it.  Thanks, Dad, for instilling in us an appreciation for exercise and helping us understand the usefulness of our bicycles in creating family memories.  I hope to pass that wisdom on to our kids.

Remembering Akong

For all the saints who from their labors rest,

Who Thee by faith before the world confessed,

Thy name, O Jesus, be forever blest.

Alleluia!  Alleluia!

Thou wast their Rock, their Fortress, and their Might;

Thou, Lord, their Captain in the well-fought fight;

Thou, in the darkness drear, their one true Light.

Alleluia!  Alleluia!

[verses 1 & 2 from “For All the Saints” by William W. How (1823-1897)]

It is good to remember those who have gone before us.

Grandfather, known to us primarily as “Akong,” very soon would have been 100 years old had he survived to this day.  Even though I didn’t know him very well, I miss him and wish I could have spent more time with him. 

The experience my sister Ruthie & I had was a common one for immigrant families: our parents had moved themselves thousands of miles away from their country of origin, and due to the high cost of travel, we only rarely had opportunity to see our grandparents in person.   Communication by phone then was also prohibitively expensive, & such technology like video-conferencing or even simple email was either nonexistent or unavailable to us.  Even if we did have today’s technological means for communication, my sister and I faced a serious language barrier; my own Taiwanese & Chinese speaking abilities at that time were basically zero.  The obstacles to building family relationships were so great, I used to lament that if I happened to walk past the grave of a great-grandparent, I probably wouldn’t even know it.

As such, my own first-hand memories of Akong are positive but scarce.  I remember his caring for Grandmother/Ama, his pushing her around in her wheelchair or bringing her things she needed during our few visits across the Pacific.  I remember that he could speak to me in simple English, & that he spoke kindly of me to those we met.  I remember taking trips with him to the morning market & the park nearby, & that he wasn’t afraid to take shots at the basketball hoop with the younger crowd in Kaohsiung.  I remember the seriousness with which he took the loss of his wife of 50 years.  I remember how he looked physically disturbed when there was strife within the family.  Selfishly, I remember that he would give me red envelopes when we visited.  Gratefully, I remember that even after his passing, he left money that would help pay for my medical education.

Remembering one’s ancestors has been on my mind lately, not only because of the upcoming memorial service for Akong, but also surprisingly because of a movie I recently saw with my 11 year old son Jadon: “Coco,” about a Mexican boy who tries to pursue his dream of a musical career while dealing with a complicated family history going back several generations.  I really enjoyed the movie for its heartwarming storyline, & was even moved to tears at its depiction of the strong desire for family to love one another and to be remembered in love.

The movie centers on the Mexican custom of “The Day of the Dead” (Día de los muertos), a folk adaptation to the church tradition of All Saints’ Day.  During this time, elaborate altars (ofrendas) are constructed to commemorate relatives who have passed away, & these are adorned with candles, flowers, and photographs, along with the dead relatives’ favorite food or drink.  The belief is that these altars & practices are important in the journeys and even existence of the relatives in the afterlife.  I didn’t want to be a killjoy after such a delightful movie, but as we left the theater I told Jadon that I had no illusions of being remembered by my own great-grandkids or afterward, but that I would like him & his sister Evangelina & perhaps their kids (my grandkids, in case I get any!) to remember me both for the good I’ve done (for them to follow), and for the evil I’ve done (for them to avoid and be warned by).  I assured him that he didn’t need to worry if I’m forgotten, because our eternal Maker will always remember His children.  I also let Jadon know that he didn’t need to try to help me along in my spiritual journey after I’ve died, because Jesus already accomplished everything I need through His death & resurrection.

It was no surprise to learn that “Coco” was a box office hit in Mexico, but it was a surprise to me that it fared amazingly well not only in the United States but also in China of all places!  As I thought it through, it made sense, with all the parallels between the Mexican custom of The Day of the Dead and traditional Taoist/Buddhist/Confucian ancestor worship.  Hadn’t I seen countless altars in Taiwanese homes dedicated to the worship of a past relative, complete with incense, photos, as well as offerings of food & drink?  As I looked into the practice more deeply, it turns out that ancestor veneration is quite widely practiced: besides the folk-Catholic customs of Mexico and the Taoist/Buddhist/Confucian customs of Taiwan, many native religions spanning from Africa to the Americas to the Shintoism of Japan also practice ancestor worship/veneration.  To be remembered and cared for even after death turns out to be a surprisingly strong and shared human longing. 

Of course, as Christians we worship our Creator alone, and we reject the need to worship anyone else.  As Christians we entrust the care of those who have died to the capable and loving hands of that same Creator alone, and we reject any fear that they will be harmed if we forget them.  As Christians we entrust the care of our own lives to our wise and powerful God alone, and we reject any fear of reprisals if we mistreat or forget our ancestors. 

All the same, as we worship and trust our Creator alone, we can give thanks to Him as we remember loved ones such as Akong (Philippians 1:3).  In fact, in a strange way it is precisely because of God’s faithfulness working through Akong that I can give thanks for both of them: in spite of the fact that I have few firsthand memories of Akong, by all accounts I know that he accepted God’s offer of grace in Jesus Christ, and tried his best to pass along that grace to the generations that followed him.  In a land where there are meagerly few Christ-followers at all (generous statistics for Taiwan put the figure at 4.5% Christian, split evenly between Protestants and Catholics), passing along this torch was no easy task, yet each of our families as descendants of Akong (& Ama) continue to seek to walk with God in spite of our very real brokenness. 

Akong, poverty stricken as a child, raised his own family to know their spiritual poverty without God.  Akong, an evangelist early in his marriage in a remote mountain church, shared the riches of the Gospel with his own family.  Akong, a schoolteacher and guidance director, taught & directed his own family in God’s ways.  Akong, a community and church servant-leader, served and led his own family to serve and worship God.

Of course I realize that with memorial services (as with funerals), people tend to remember only positive things about one’s life.  I do not doubt that Akong had his own faults and weaknesses, perhaps even glaring ones, as we all do.  I wouldn’t be devastated if there one day were some revelation of some horrible part of his life or character.  He was human, & a sinner at that.  Yet in the area of life which mattered most for eternity, he trusted God’s goodness and passed it along to his kin.  And because of God’s goodness working through Akong, I’ll have plenty of time to get to know him better than I could ever imagine.

O blest communion, fellowship divine!

We feebly struggle, they in glory shine;

Yet all are one in Thee, for all are Thine.

Alleluia!  Alleluia!

And when the strife is fierce, the warfare long,

Steals on the ear the distant triumph song,

And hearts are brave again, and arms are strong.

Alleluia!  Alleluia!             

 [verses 3 & 4 from “For All the Saints” by William W. How (1823-1897)]

                                                     

-- By S. Stephen Chiayee Wu, December 27, 2017

Open letter to former patients at LLU clinic in Highland, California

Dear Former Patients of Loma Linda University:

It's hard to believe that it's now been 2 years since my departure from the office in my hometown of Highland.  I think of you often & have been wanting to write for quite awhile.  I'm grateful to remain in close contact with the Highland clinic staff.  My prayers are that you too are doing well in all regards, along with your loved ones.  I imagine many of you little ones have sprouted up or perhaps have matured in such a way that I would no longer recognize you even if I walked right by you on the street.  For you adults, I imagine you are trucking along in life, providing for your families, & learning a lot of life's lessons along the way.  For those of you with more complicated medical frailties, I pray that you have been well established with your new providers & are receiving the care you need.

I want you to know that I continue to count it a great blessing to have been able not just to serve you, but also to be served by you as well during my eleven and a half years in Highland.  Being able to serve you helped me immensely in so many ways, ways that I continue to cherish now:
- you patiently helped me grow in "real-world" clinical experience immediately after I finished formal residency training. I often see you in my mind’s eye when I come across similar clinical situations nowadays.
- you cheered me on and made it fun to come to work,
- you opened your lives to me & helped me to understand health and life to be the deep and multi-faceted whole that it is, especially as you came from such varied backgrounds (students, construction workers, health professionals, heroic homemakers, retail salespeople, heating/air conditioning repairmen, athletes, clergy), were of various ages ranging in age from premature infants to nonagenarians, & were of varied cultures and backgrounds. In a very real way I felt like I could understand more about life because you shared the stories of your lives with me.
- you helped me with my foundations of learning to speak in Spanish (Muchos de ustedes me ayudaron con mi fundación de aprendizaje para hablar español.  Sorprendentemente, ahora en mi nuevo trabajo, más o menos dos tercios de mis pacientes solamente hablan español.  Ustedes estarán muy felices para saber que estoy aprendiendo más cada día.  ¡Muchisimas gracias!)

It has often been a wonderful surprise to bump into some of you either on the street in the Inland Empire, online, or even in Orange County.  I was quite dismayed to hear from quite a few of you that you never received the letter we sent out a few months before I left (you can find it attached).  I am so very sorry for having missed you somehow, especially as I felt I inadvertently left many of you in the lurch of having to find another medical home.  While I knew I could leave you pediatric patients in the very capable hands of my colleagues Dr. Hensley & Dr. Antonio, I thought LLU had some new internists who could soon replace me in Highland to take over care of you adult patients.  (I am pleased to inform you that I am told that a very kind and capable Internal Medicine/Pediatrics attending physician by the name of Dr. Lorraine Reverson has been serving at Highland for the last several months, same phone number 909-425-3939.)

I actually seriously considered continuing to work in Highland & commuting from Orange County, but finally decided against it in order to be closer to the family in case of emergency/disaster.  The transition to AltaMed was difficult even though I was graciously received by colleagues and staff, as I felt it took over a year before I finally felt I “got into the groove” of daily workflows.  I’m treating a lot medically indigent people, many of whom deal with such urban conditions as drug addiction, anxiety/depression, and homelessness, & many who do not speak English at all.  Workdays are busy of course, but the 30-45 minute commute each way was tough getting used to!  All in all, I’m grateful to get to know & serve my new patients & have been delighted to note that as with many of you, I’m able to care for multiple generations within families (grandparents to babies).

Family life also has been a challenge as our move was “as fast as molasses” since it took over 4 months after finding a home to make the necessary repairs to live in it, & we have yet to finish unpacking all of our boxes!  The kids are doing fine in their new schools and are quite active in sports, church, and music. Grateful as we are, we still miss quite a few things about life in the IE: friendships, community activities, less traffic, & an overall more sane pace of life.

Anyway, I do hope somehow that this letter will get to the eyes of as many old patients as possible, as I do want you to know that I miss you and pray that you & your families are well & whole in all regards – body, soul, & spirit! I’d love to hear how you are doing!

Blessings,
Dr. Sidney Wu
(December 1, 2017)

Letter of departure to patients of LLU clinic in Highland, California

September 26, 2015

Dearest LLU Patients:

I thought it would be best to write you a letter to let you know about a decision my family & I recently made. I write this letter with great difficulty because I’m not sure where to begin or how best to write what I have to say…

After a few years’ discussion & for multiple family reasons, our family will be moving away to the Santa Ana area in the next months. While originally our plan was that I’d commute to our Highland clinic from Orange County, in the end we decided the commute would be too much of a strain on the family, & I accepted a job offer with a non-profit clinic closer by. Accordingly, my last day in our Highland LLU clinic will be Tuesday December 1, 2015.

One reason I wanted to write you was to let you know how much I have appreciated you. For those who were at Highland when I joined faculty in 2004, you may recall that my time with LLU was originally planned to be a short 2 years as I prepared to serve fulltime at a hospital in Niger (west Africa). Painful personal issues, & then important family concerns altered that course dramatically, but little did I realize that in lieu of a life of adventure overseas, I would be given 11 ½ years of adventure serving you here in my own hometown of Highland/San Bernardino.

I want you to know that I have considered it a great honor to serve your families (in many cases 3 generations at once!), to watch you enter different stages of life, to learn so much about life from you (eg: phrases in your native tongues), and to share your sorrows & your joys as we worked through many difficult medical conditions together. I have considered my role in your lives to be a sacred calling, & I pray that God used me to touch your families with a kind of wholeness that includes physical health, to be sure, but extends far beyond.

Another reason I wanted to write was to assist in the whole transition process. In case you need to tie up any medical issues with me, please be sure to go forward quickly with the studies & referrals we have recommended, and set your follow-up appointments with me as soon as possible so that we can formulate a clear care plan before I leave December 1.
For my pediatric patients, please know that I leave you in the very caring & capable hands of my pediatric colleagues already well established here at Highland. For my adult patients, you may recall that we Med-Peds (combined internal medicine & pediatrics) doctors are a rather rare breed here in the West, so our transition plan is still in flux. Please see the attached letter for information from our department regarding this transition. Your patience with us in this whole process is greatly appreciated, & you may check in with Highland’s front desk staff for any updates.

Again, thank you for the honor of serving as your physician during this very meaningful season of my life. I pray for your continued growth & health, & I’d very much appreciate your prayer as well during our transition as we care of present family needs as well as plan for the future (overseas service is still our hope). In a very real way, I will miss you.

Blessings Until We Meet Again,
Sidney Wu, MD, FAAP, FACP

"Christmas 2014" letter

May the Showers of Christmas JOY Bring Blossoms of LIFE in the New Year!

Dearest Friends & Family:

     Thanks so much for your patience with our “Christmas 2014” letter, though admittedly I should probably call this an early Lunar New Year letter!

     In the past we have told you that each year felt like a blur.  2014, in contrast, felt like it flew by in a blink!  Too many things happened through this year for me to recount, but here are a few of our more memorable moments as a family:

Peace in Pieces

     Back in April while our family was in the car, Evangelina (3) – as often is her custom -- was singing quietly to herself while the rest of us were talking.  She started one of the songs we often sing to her, a song of blessing: “The Lord bless you & keep you…”, but as she continued with each line of the song her singing became louder & louder, with the last line of the song being repeated over & over (& over!).  It got so loud that the rest of us had to speak louder & louder as well just to hear each other.  Pretty soon we couldn’t hear ourselves over Evangelina’s singing: “AND GIVE YOU PEACE, & GIVE YOU PEACE, & GIVE YOU PEACE FOREVER!!!  AND GIVE YOU PEACE, & GIVE YOU PEACE…!!!”

Nervous Observation

     Another time, Evangelina was playing rough with me (Sid) & knocked into my face & glasses.  We’re pretty strict about the kids not touching our glasses (primarily because we've had so many pairs broken when Jadon was a baby), so I gave her a stern look with my glasses knocked down to the tip of my nose.  I was waiting for her to say, “Sorry Daddy for touching your glasses.”  Instead Evangelina, wanting to break the tension, gave me a nervous smile & said, "Hey, you’re like a Grandma!"  This & many other funny comments she made from her growing understanding of the world left us in stitches throughout the year.

Following the Bottom Line

     As for Jadon (8), one thing we’ve continued to enjoy is watching him think “outside the box.”  In September we got dinner at Chick-Fil-A which included a kids' meal that came with a compass!  He was excited to start using it, & marveled at how its needle always points north.  It was a good review of directions (north, south, east, west) for him, & how each direction relates to the other.  As we were driving home, we tried to reinforce his learning with some friendly drills: "What direction are we facing now...?  How about now...? Which direction is to our right...?"  He was finally getting the hang of it, so we decided to throw in some of our customary goofball questions: "Now which way are we heading?"

     "South," he replied.

     "Very good! So which way is our butts facing?"

     We expected him to say “North."

     His innocent response?  "Down."

Rock, Paper, Superlatives

     Later in the fall, Jadon was playing Rock-Paper-Scissors (in Chinese: "Jian-dao, Shi-tou, Bu") with Daddy in creative ways.  While at the YMCA pool, we started playing a version such that whenever we're underwater, the rules are 'upside down': scissors beat rock, paper beats scissors, rock beats paper.  Another time while we were playing in the car, we started coming up with new objects to beat the other: we both came up with the “bomb” (which beats rock, paper, & scissors)... then quickly went on to more zany objects.  It went like this:

TOGETHER:

Jian-dao, Shi-tou, Bu!

(ALMOST SIMULTANEOUSLY)

JADON: earthquake!

DADDY: the sun!

Obviously, I won that round, to Jadon's chagrin. Then, with Jadon's eyes widening with the determination to beat me...

TOGETHER:

Jian-dao, Shi-tou, Bu!

(ALMOST SIMULTANEOUSLY)

DADDY: galaxy!

JADON: God's hand!

Needless to say, the game was over with Jadon victorious & both of us howling with laughter… what else could beat God’s hand?

Entering the Kingdom of God

     A more poignant story comes from one of the times we dropped in on Jadon while the kids were at their local Bible club.  Jadon’s teacher asked, “How do you enter the kingdom of God?” to which Jadon replied with a list of good things he had to do, including "listen to your parents."

     I (Sid) was truly saddened at hearing Jadon’s answer.  Thankfully his teacher corrected him and pointed him to trusting in the work and person of Jesus, but I couldn’t help but think to myself, “What am I doing wrong?"  It struck me that it is an uphill battle for us to teach our children the truth, not simply with words but with day-to-day living, that entering the kingdom of God is simply receiving the gift of what King Jesus has done for us in his life, death, & resurrection.  Weren’t we ready to travel 1000s of miles to live in another culture and speak in another language with the intention of sharing this very, very good news?  How had I failed in sharing this news with my own children?
     To be sure, the things Jadon listed in his answer to his Bible club teacher were good & right in themselves.  God in His Word even tells us to do them (I especially like the "listen to your parents" thing!), yet we know that it aches His heart when we think that by following a list of dos & don'ts we can earn enough merit to enter His kingdom.  Our Heavenly Father's unyielding desire is to trust in Him & what He has accomplished for us.  Where was the "disconnect" between my words & my practice before our children?  Was Jadon seeing in me a frantic life of self-reliant, self-centered dos & don'ts?
     Dear Friends & Family, JJ & I are grateful for your love & are often a bit embarrassed at how difficult it is for us to stay in touch with most of you given our limitations.  We pray that your own Christmas was a season of pondering God's gifts, & that your new year is filled with living out the joy & thankfulness (&, as Evangelina will remind us, PEACE!!!) that comes from God's great gifts to us.

With Blessing,

Sid for the Wus

Christmas letter 2014

Like Sid's life itself, our family's Christmas letter is under construction!  (come back in 2 weeks?)

An Open Letter to the Leadership of the American Academy of Pediatrics

 An Open Letter to the Leadership of the American Academy of Pediatrics

March 21, 2014

Dear Colleagues of the American Academy of Pediatrics:

Since joining the AAP fourteen years ago, I have been grateful for the AAP’s role in scientific inquiry, dissemination of medical knowledge, and the promotion of the health of children. During my combined residency in internal medicine and pediatrics, I was humbled to receive the AAP’s International Travel Grant in support of my service to children under the training of a missionary doctor in Nigeria. As an AAP Fellow, I have been grateful for the opportunities to network with other professionals in our field to advance our knowledge toward the end of serving children.

It was precisely because I have held the Academy in such high standing, that I read with such sorrow and dismay the Academy’s Policy Statement, “Promoting the Well-Being of Children Whose Parents Are Gay or Lesbian," released one year ago today, which expressed the Academy's support for “homosexual marriage.”

Exactly because I have been grateful for the AAP, and because I am indeed dedicated to the health of all children, I must express my most strenuous objection to this Policy Statement. While I do not have reason to doubt the Policy Statement’s authors’ genuine desire for the good of children, I cannot help but wonder if the Academy has in part bowed to the calculated political influence of a powerful lobby, especially when the Policy Statement’s release was clearly timed to coincide with last year's US Supreme Court’s hearing of related cases.

The basic foundation undergirding my objection to the Policy Statement in question is this: Any and all attitudes and behaviors which violate or devalue the boundaries of God-defined marriage between one man and one woman, are in fact harmful and unhealthful toward all involved, including children. This is true no matter the sexual orientations of those involved: homosexual, bisexual, transgender, or heterosexual. Such examples as pornography, premarital sex, polyamory/polygamy, easy divorce and remarriage, domestic violence, and non-committal cohabitation are harmful because they fail to recognize the profound goodness and wonder of God-given marriage and sexuality, with its unique and complementary femaleness and maleness.

As physicians, we are broken people seeking to help others in their brokenness in a broken world. With honest introspection and openness toward others, each last one of us – through the influences of our genes, hormones, and environment – is deeply affected by brokenness, including in our sexuality. The young person who discovers that he is dealing with homosexual drives needs a pediatrician who will HELP him in his brokenness: listen to his concerns with a nonjudgmental ear, inform him of the risks and benefits of various choices, protect him from any and all bullying, and insofar as he is willing to receive them, provide him with the supports needed for him to live chastely. Further, this young person needs his doctor to commit to stand with him for his long-term health and well-being, and be willing to help him deal with the consequences of his decisions, even if those run contrary to the doctor’s recommendations. What this young person does NOT need is for his pediatrician to endorse his brokenness as good and right, or encourage him to act out his broken urges.

Compassion and respect for others’ worth and dignity, no matter what their attitudes or behavior, is commendable. Endorsing attitudes and behavior which are harmful and unhealthful to individuals and society is not to be commended, yet this is what the AAP has done in its seemingly enlightened position statement in support of “homosexual marriage.” I have no reason at present to believe that the studies cited in the statement intentionally set out with the agenda to affirm homosexuality as a normative lifestyle, but it is clear that one’s presuppositions vastly affect one’s study design, methodology, and interpretation of data. I believe that in time, as has been true in many other areas of medicine, study design flaws and data interpretation errors will come to light when better research (perhaps when this political hot-button cools) will affirm the truth of the rightness, goodness, and healthfulness of marriage between one man and one woman over all alternatives, for the health of the adults and the children they raise.

My unabashed conviction in this matter is based on a plain reading of Christian scripture, which not only sheds light on our world full of broken people like myself, but also gives hope for a full and joyful life in spite of our brokenness. I do not pretend to represent all of Christendom, though I do know that I speak for a great many Christians, as well as a great many people of other faiths on this particular issue. For us, our scriptures have served not only as the internal moorings of life and ethics, but also through history as the impetus for the establishment of universities and hospitals – incubators of scientific inquiry and advancement – often in regions with great need and suffering.

These moorings are important in part because we people of faith are sometimes accused of fear-mongering when we question, in this case, those who would seek to expand marriage to homosexual relationships: “Where would it stop? Should 3 or more consenting adults be able to marry? What about consenting adult siblings?” For the sake of gaining acceptance, proponents of “homosexual marriage” have insisted that their fight is simply to extend marriage rights to homosexual couples, but they ignore the socio-legal landscape where many (including from the LGBT community) already openly challenge marriage’s lifelong exclusivity to two people. How would today’s monogamy-supporting proponents of “homosexual marriage” counsel a bisexual woman who seeks to “marry” both her partners? I do not doubt that flawed sociological research could one day support the “healthfulness” of such a “marriage” threesome, especially in a political climate that pushes for it. These are very real scenarios we must consider, as we humbly embrace our ethical moorings as broken people with hope.

As a concerned father and physician to many generations of families, I urge the Academy to retract its Policy Statement supporting “homosexual marriage,” to refrain from embarking on further social experimentation in such uncharted waters, and to hold fast to the moorings of upholding traditional marriage between one man and one woman as best for the health and well-being of all children.

In Earnest,

Sidney Wu, MD

Fellow, American Academy of Pediatrics

Fellow, American College of Physicians

Diplomate, American Board of Pediatrics

Diplomate, American Board of Internal Medicine

Assistant Professor, Pediatrics

Assistant Professor, Internal Medicine

Loma Linda University School of Medicine

11